Forum topic: Unmedicated and hitting breaking point

I was in a similar place. It’s horrible. The loneliness and the blame, and the refusal ro let you go. It’s a nightmare. 

Listen to yourself. You’re constantly being told you’re awful, but you’re not.  That little you inside yourself deserves to be heard and taken into account.

Don’t hang about because it’s somehow better r the kids. It’s not. It takes a while to heal. I would strongly suggest counselling for your daughter. Without a chance to process them, there’s  a danger that she replicate the dynamics. 

Sadly it seems often ADHD people who have checked out emotionally from their marriage won’t initiate divorce due to inertia.

If he thinks you’ve been a terrible partner for the last ten years, I believe you shouldn’t expose yourself to this anymore. 

I’ve kept going too, on accord of my own ambition to repair and love. It’s not enough though, if an ADHD partner is unable or unwilling to do the same. 

It might be your own vulnerability isn’t fully visible to you right now, since you might be in survival mode. But like Honestly said, you will need to calm and soothe yourself after this. If you have any chance of saving yourself some exposure to toxicity, please take it. 

As someone who is older (rapidly approaching retirement age) and in this for nearly 20 years, I'd say totally trust your gut while you're still young enough to get out of this situation without too much financial hardship. 
Honestly, when I look back, I feel like I should have left a long time ago while I still had years of career ahead of me. Now, my career has slowed down dramatically, and it is the finances that are keeping me here right now. 
I'm so very sorry to hear what has been going on with you. I suggest, again, that you go with your instincts and get out of this situation while it's still feasible to get out. 

What strikes me about your setup: he has his own therapist, you two have the couples counselor — but you, the person shutting down for weeks and months at a time, have nobody working with just you. That shutdown response started long before this marriage; you named it yourself — emotionally neglectful parents taught you that going silent was how you survived. An individual therapist could help you untangle why anger directed at you freezes you, and that work pays off whether the marriage continues or not.

The other thing I'd gently say: couples therapy has a hard ceiling when one partner refuses to touch his own treatment — the medication question, real individual work. You've done years, and in your own words the triggering behaviors haven't changed. That's not a failure of effort on your side; it's the format being unable to do what only he can do.

One more, because nobody should carry this alone: you apologize readily and take accountability, he "regularly fails to repair" — after ten years of being told you're cold and heartless, some part of you has started negotiating with that as if it might be true. It isn't. Chronic contempt can make a warm person feel frozen.

Whatever you decide about the marriage, your daughter needs a mom who isn't in survival mode. Getting your own support isn't choosing sides against him — it's coming back to yourself.

The line that stopped me: your shutdowns used to last weeks, now months or years. That shift is worth paying attention to — it usually means the mechanism has stopped being self-protection and started becoming the default state. You are not checking out of the marriage; your system has quietly concluded there is no listener on the other end.

One pattern in how you describe things: you attribute nearly everything to yourself — your anxious attachment, your emotionally neglectful parents, your accountability. Meanwhile he fairly regularly fails to repair. Repair is the one behavior that costs nothing and predicts everything. A partner can have AuDHD, depression, overwhelm — all real — and still come back the next morning and say the way he spoke yesterday was not okay. Refusing that step is a choice, not a symptom.

On your daughter: the research is fairly consistent that what damages kids most is sustained hostility between parents, not the separation itself. A 12-year-old is already mapping what marriage looks like from watching you two.

You do not have to decide the marriage tonight. But separating to see what is real — whether his behavior changes when there is no audience, whether your body unclenches — is a legitimate step, not a failure. Take care of yourself.

I feel for you and your situation. You are not alone in this.  I too am in a place similar to yours.  I've been hopeful and working to initiate change for 20+ years without outside help.  I started to see a therapist for myself and read books on how to communicate better.  Sadly, my newly learned efforts bring RSD and reactions that turn my feelings and concerns back into my fault.  It's mostly fruitless, unless I catch my partner at the "right time" and he absorbs some of what I relay.  Some positive change will occur, and then we are right back to the starting point.  It's a rollercoaster... we go though seasons where his mental health is great and he's present and then lengths of time where he retreats from us and spends countless hours alone.  I wait with baited breath, stay positive for my kids and hold down the house in the meantime.  

So, I used to be hopeful that our relationship will improve and now I stay because my kids are comfortable and cared for.  My youngest kid also has ADHD. My thoughts are to keep a stable home for that reason alone until they are of age.  I was previously not in any position to leave for financial reasons and I'm still not quite there.  I decided to do research and prepped for when I do decide I've had enough.  In the end, I know I cannot be in this kind of dynamic for the rest of my life.  It seems like you are there now.  

My suggestion to you is to trust your gut feelings and leave if you are able to or the situation is urgent.  If you need to stay for now, do your research and gather the documents and financial information you need to initiate a separation.  Once you get the feeling that you need to leave, it's hard to undo it.  The hard part is being brave and actually initiating leaving your partner.  

Thanks J, that followup landed. Caught myself mid-list of grievances last night and just went to bed instead. Small wins, but they are stacking up.

First, I’m so sorry to hear what you’re dealing with. Your post, along with many of the comments here, reminds me of different parts of how I felt about my own relationship with my ADHD partner eight years ago.

At the time, he wasn’t on medication or in therapy, was dependent on alcohol, and was dealing with manic depression. We were on the verge of divorce.

Eight years later, we are in a very different place—and we’re happy together.

We’ve learned how to communicate with each other. We speak our minds more freely. He helps out much more, including stepping in when I’m stressed. Over time, he has also significantly curbed his drinking to a level I can live with, and he respects the boundaries we’ve established around alcohol in our home. At one point he was on antidepressants, and just a couple of weeks ago we had a conversation about how stable he has been this year that I don't think he needs to be on antidepressant anymore. 

One of my biggest realizations over these eight years was that he really did want to be a good partner. But as the neurotypical partner, I often operated at a different speed and in a different way than he did. We had to figure out how to get back on the same wavelength—the way we seemed to be when we were first dating.

A major turning point for us was attending Melissa’s live seminar. After that, we sought out other ADHD relationship experts and continued learning different skills together. We practiced communication exercises every week and gradually started incorporating those skills into our everyday conversations.

We went from “I’m afraid to tell you how I feel because I don’t know how you’ll react” to being able to clearly express what we need in the moment without the other person getting upset probably 90% of the time. And most of the time, we can end the conversation having figured out some kind of solution—whether it’s temporary or longer-term.

It didn’t happen overnight. We worked on different things at different times, and all those small changes accumulated over the years.

What I really want you to know is that there is hope. I know it may not feel that way when you’re exhausted and at a breaking point. Change is possible, but in my experience, it takes time and you need to take care of yourself.  You need to feel your cup.  It's hard to give when your cup is empty.  I had to learn that myself too, since I am a giver.

From what you’ve shared, I really think one of the ADHD & Marriage support groups could be helpful for you right now. I attended one myself, and it gave me another level of support that i needed. I was able to talk openly with people in real time,  hear what they had tried in their own relationships, and then try some of their ideas and solutions in mine. All session has a moderator guiding the conversation,  which added a lot of values. 

Not everything worked for us, but some things did—and each thing we learned and tried became another piece of what ultimately helped us get to where we are today. Looking back, it was learning, trying different things, and slowly figuring out what worked for the two of us.

If you’re at a breaking point, having that additional support from the support group can make a meaningful difference. I see the support group as a way to fill my cup.  Take care. 

That is the best news in this whole thread. Keep letting therapy be the steady part while the rest gets worked out, and good for you for already being in it.

Ha, buy one get one free, if only that deal existed. Two people doing the work at the same time is honestly rare, so keep going. Glad my two cents helped and thanks for the laugh.