My husband is self-diagnosed AuDHD and has depression. He is unmedicated and doing talk therapy 2x per month. We do couples counseling 2x a month as well. The counseling has helped us understand our dynamic and why we keep repeating the same patterns. My husband is basically critical and condescending all the time. He has emotional regulation challenges, and neither of us communicate very well. When he gets angry I shut down, sometimes for weeks (now months or maybe even years) at a time in a self-preservation mode driven by my own anxious attachment issues and parents that were emotionally neglectful.
Our couples therapist suggested he try medication to damper the overwhelm, but he won't do it nor will he talk about it. If I bring it up then its just seen as me blaming him for everything. I take full accountability/responsibility for the things I get wrong and apologize often. He fairly regularly fails to repair. He says very mean things basically saying I'm cold, heartless, unfeeling, and that I've been a terrible partner for 10 years and that he's never been happy.
However.. he doesn't want to break up. We've been on the brink many times. I'm on the brink again. It doesn't feel like this can continue. Our 12YO daughter is suffering as well both from him being critical and failing to connect with her, to her hearing us fight. It feels like separating is the only humane thing to do for everyone involved. I hate it, I don't want it to be this way but I'm struggling to find a solution. We've tried couples counseling for years but it doesn't help either of us change the behaviors that are so triggering to each other. I feel angry and so lonely. I don't know what to do but found this forum. Would love any advice.
