My Fiancé has always thought the world of me and we had a very strong loving long term relationship. A few ups and downs and minor disagreements here and there along the way, but a very happy healthy relationship. He proposed to me in Italy in July 2025 with a ring he designed himself and had a bespoke Jeweller make and put a lot of thought in to it and was very serious about it.
He went through a very stressful period a few months ago when he was having his Bathroom refurbished and a rouge trades man ruined it and caused immense damage. The guy was unhinged and got a Debt collector on to my Fiancé and the guy even sent threats they were going to come round and hurt him. It was a worrying time but thankfully all resolved. During this period a couple of minor disagreements we had made him want to breakup and he got very angry. These were no different to other minor disagreements we'd had in the past which he always knew were a normal part of any relationship and he was normally unphased by. He soon calmed down however and said breaking up would have been a really ridiculous desicion and he was really excited about getting married. I think he was just really overwhelmed and stressed with life and any added stress made him get a temporary urge to flee in the moment.
My Fiancé was then diagnosed with ADHD he has suspected he had ADHD for years, and said he thinks he's ADHD on our very first Date. After is official Diagnosis he started Elvanse. First couple of weeks he was a bit moody and withdrawn in the evenings due to the rebound effect but once he got adjusted things were great. He was very loving and romantic, buying me flowers, taking me out, making future plans for us, and said we'd have a very happy marriage and he couldn't imagine being with anyone else. We were really happy together.
He then started 50mg of Elvanse and within 2 weeks he was having irrational angry outbursts at people over things that made no sense such as getting really angry with a guy at work for complaining about having to do building work in extreme heat, the guy just made a simple comment that he didnt like doing heavy work in sweltering heat, and my Fiancé was in a foul mood eight hours after the guy made this perfectly reasonable statement. The reaction was bizzarre. My Fiancé also had a really angry outburst at me saying I was talking too loud when I was talking in a normal tone of voice. He was so unpleasant I cried, this was very scary and unusual behaviour and very out of character for him so naturally I was disturbed. The next day he was full of apologies, blamed the medication, and took me out for a drink. 4 days later He made a very impulsive irrational desicion where he blew a lot of money and was 2 hours late for a trip his mum had planned for us all and we all missed the trip. I was upset as we were supposed to be saving for a Wedding and he upset his mum by being late and then got really angry with her for crying, which was really out of character for him, and I had words with him as he'd behaved in a totally unacceptable way. Things calmed down eventually though and he was nice, loving, and calm again.
But 2 days later immediately after I whatsapped him a potential Wedding venue to look at , he sent a horrible text saying we arent going through with the Wedding as committing to each other would be a mistake as we dont match anymore and although it pains him to let me down we just wont find happiness together. For about 10 days after he was extremely cold, angry, and mean and even sent my mum a bizarre unhinged rant for the way she treated me when I was a child due to her mental health.
Its now been 5 weeks and hes given me my stuff back and took me to the bank to close our joint account, but hes seems very upset and distressed and cant offer any real explanation for seperating just he doesn't have what I need from someone and that its always a good time to break up in the summer and the relationship was too comfortable. Hes a skinny guy and has lost weight since the breakup up which is concerning. After the bank visit he sent a weird message saying hes sorry for deciding to seperate and sorry for letting me down, but he will be forever grateful for what we shared. None of it made any sense at all as he was basically acknowledging we had a great relationship but he was ending it for no specific reason. He also took me for coffee and cake after the bank like a Date and was terrified saying he'd understand if I never spoke to him again after what hes done, but he begged me to keep in touch with him as he cares greatly for me.
He started replying to my polite check ins, at first it took him a while to respond but when he did he was telling me about his life, parents, some nice vegan ice cream he had, hes now more communicative and is worrying about my health issues, and said thats hes been behaving very manic at work and is lowering his Elvanse back to 40mg this week which is what he took when things were great between us.
He was on Holiday with his Mum this week after lowering the dose, and reached out offering to buy me some records in a Music Shop he knew I'd like. The Shop closed, but he went back 2 days later and got them for me anyway and called for a 15 minute chat about his holiday and apologised that I couldn't go. When I said oh well he chose to breakup he said "it is what it is". I said I felt very confused as he'd not really explained and had been very vague about why he ended it. He just said he thought he had explained his many reasons but he quickly changed the subject. Which made me feel he knows he has done wrong and that he was being defensive because he feels deep shame/embarrassment and doesnt have any real reason for ending a great relationship.
Its such a horrible situation as I would never imagine him doing this to me, and all that makes sense is the elvanse caused him to behave so weird and randomly end things. Even his Neighbours who he was close to have told me he seems to be deliberately avoiding them, hasnt mentioned us splitting, and said when I wasnt around he was always talking about me, and was excited a week before ending things about me moving in with him and that he seemed devoted to me. Its very weird to break off an engagement but to then buy gifts for me whilst on holiday, and want to chat to me, and say about meeting soon. I really dont know what to make of it as its very weird behaviour. Does too much Elvanse sound a plausible explanation? and if so could he be wanting to reconcile now hes adjusting to the 40mg? Its so upsetting and confusing.
Comments
12-18 months to tailor medication
So sorry about your fiancés behavior.
Starting ADHD medication can be turbulent and as I’ve seen in my ex husband, personality altering. To a partner, it can be frightening. Admittedly, my ex had depression and anxiety on top of ADHD, as well as heritability for bipolar disorder. But I understand even with ADHD only, there are several options for medical treatment. The first one might not be the right one, or the dose may be wrong. Medication must be tailored to the person.
We had the continuous support of a psychiatrist and psychologist for my ex husband through this. I was told it would take 12 to 18 months before medication would be tried out and we could get a glimpse of the future. He eventually went through about seven substances, combined in different ways, tapered in and tapered out, in 18 months.
So I’d suggest: if you want to go through with this marriage, make sure you and your fiancé have professional help together. Make sure you’re involved and updated about meds, and let the doctor know what you see. If they listen only to him, they’ll have no clue how he’s actually functioning (I’ve been through this). What he’s taking now obviously isn’t good, I think you’re right that Elvanse may cause the erratic behavior.
It will perhaps take time before he’s settled in with meds.
And he probably needs counseling too.
Best of luck.
my experience
i have faced similar kind of experience when my husband started ADHD medications. the worst part is we both have adhd, but mine is very subtle
Thanks did he end up breaking
Thanks did he end up breaking up and getting back together with you? Im hoping things all work out as we had a very stable happy relationship and this weird behaviour and breakup came out of nowhere. He messaged today saying he is having lots of highs and lows and thinks the 40mg is too high as well and wants to be on 30mg. He wants to meet for Coffee on the 23rd and wants to give me the record gifts he got, but also mentioned giving me back the items I got on our engagement holiday last year. Seems very strange and contradictory to break off an engagement, shut the joint account, but beg for contact, send friendly messages, and make a friendly call, buy gifts for me, want to meet up for coffee and a catch up, but also give me my things back. Hoping once he has time to adjust to the correct dose he will realise his desicion was totally irrational and will want to get back together.
This guy sounds like
This guy sounds like a basket case. You have dodged a bullet by not marrying him. True love isn’t this hard to maintain. Count your blessings and move on. You can’t fix him.
It is very weird behaviour
It is very weird behaviour for sure but he has never ever behaved like this. He has always been a sweetheart and treated me very well which makes it so strange and it all happened shortly after increasing his dose to 50mg. Ive been in a relationship with him for several years but have known him since School since I was 11 and he was 12. Nearly 20 years of knowing him and he has never show any signs of behaviour like this.
It is very weird behaviour
It is very weird behaviour for sure but he has never ever behaved like this. He has always been a sweetheart and treated me very well which makes it so strange and it all happened shortly after increasing his dose to 50mg. Ive been in a relationship with him for several years but have known him since School since I was 11 and he was 12. Nearly 20 years of knowing him and he has never show any signs of behaviour like this.
But you say he has wanted to break up before . . .
. . . so this seems like an extension of earlier behavior.
This guy is showing you what and who he is. Try to separate in your mind what you want him and the relationship to be and what it really is.
In agreement with you!
He's spelling out for her what their married life would be like.
When the writing is on the wall, read it and believe it and act on it.
Take your things and move on
You can't fix him. The changes you are seeing probably aren't all from the medicine. Your relationship is changing and adhd people do not like change. He may not describe the relationship the same way you do. You have gotten to the stage where shine has worn off. He is revealing his true self, this is who he is. There are red flags mentioned in the beginning paragraphs about the unqualified workmen. His guard was down and that is how he processes anger and frustration. Don't waste your time chasing the initial feelings, that phase is over and won't return no matter what you do..
This is a red flag waving in a hurricane. Pay attention!
So, this guy was talking about breaking up before he began the medication. Then not wanting to break up. Some would call this emotional abuse. A rollercoaster. Now he takes medication and takes the real steps to break up, but it seems you are choosing not to believe he really wants to.
PLEASE, please, please, for the love of God, pay attention to this behavior--medicated or not. He is spelling out for you what your married life would be like (and it would probably be worse).
I know it would be hard, but to protect yourself, accept that this guy is not stable and also admit that he will also likely continue this behavior--with the married behavior being, "I want a divorce."
I've been married to an ADHD man for several years. I ignored the red flags early on, and I regret ignoring them, because this has not been an easy ride.
Take care of yourself.
Nearly twenty years of
Nearly twenty years of knowing him, then watching the change land right after a dose increase. No wonder you feel caught between two versions of the same person. There is a lot of loud input here pushing you toward a verdict. You do not need one this week. Go to the coffee if you want to, with no mission except to see how he treats you now. Then let the following weeks speak, because steadiness over time will tell you far more than one conversation can. Caring about him and protecting yourself are allowed to sit side by side.
Dissmisive Avoident = Hot / Cold
I'm seeing the pattern, and it's now becoming familar. Is it wierd? Yes. It it confusing ? Most definitely. Does it feel hot then cold? Is he pulling you back in, just to push you away?
Everytime you get closer and more intimate, does he get critical, belittling, and hurtful? Say you're too "needy" ?
Everytime you give "more space" and step away, does he become more engaging and seems warmer? Seems like it?
I had a kind of epiphany recently...when reflecting on all the rekationships I've had including in my own family. I think disnissive avoudant attachment features prominently in those too. Now that I've begun to see the pattern more clearly.
My epiphany ( my own conclusion ). Dissmissive Avoudent [ behavior ] is actually the mechanism of denial or better...and person "stuck in denial". The denial serves to insulate that psrson (as a defense mechanism ) to keep them from looking too deeply at themselves... to actually see what they're doing and why. If they did, they'd have to adnit where they are wrong, and that would simpky be intolerable.
Further...when they see themselves in another person...they see what they hate about themselves. The mirror serves as a reminder, every time they get too close.
If I'm correct... this is a nightmare that you should consider. Until they can look at the mirror and like what they see, they'll remain "stuck" there indefinitely.
Im not a doctor or a trained proffesional. I'm just a guy who's AuDhd ...but this is what I see.