Forum topic: "Mankeeping"

• Social Organizing: Remembering family birthdays, buying gifts for his relatives, and scheduling double dates with friends.
• Emotional Gatekeeping: Serving as his exclusive therapist, emotional outlet, and primary source of mental health support.

• Relationship Maintenance: Forcing him to call his parents or keeping tabs on his workplace conflicts so he does not alienate others. 

  When I read this, I cringed. It triggered so many bad memories of my childhood and my own mother. 

  #1 on the list was the most detrimental thing my mother ever did with me. She triangulated everything between myself and other family members.( extended too ) It effectively, prevented me from having a "real" authentic "giving" relationship with anyone since everything went "through" her. It's presumtupus at best, and I shutter when I think about it. It dredges up many bad memories ( and angry feelings ). I hated it with a passion and resented her for doing it by the time I was a teenager but, I had no control over her doing it ( or not doing it ). She wouldn't stop, no matter how much I protested, and I DID Protest! 

  #2 on the list. Gatekeeping in general. It's tied to #1, in that, it presumes you know what's best for another person. As I've mentioned here even recently. Gatekeeping is toxic. It's emotional kryptonite for me personally. I'm cringing as I'm writing this.

  #3 is #1 in disquise. If one avenue doesn't work...then take that same energy, and reapply that attempted control to the person directly. It's also presumptuous, it assumes the person has no good reason not to, when in reality, they very much might have one that they're not telling you exactly why.

   Why they're not telling you, is most likely to avoid further conflict. In my mind, these behaviors are the fast track to an unhealthy dependency. For me personally, it's existential poisen.

  Having said this. There may be men who prefer this and actually like it, IDK? 

Ironically, my middle sister contacted me a couple weeks after I sent her an update on my status. In that communication, she told me what she's doing and packing to do so which is.....getting ready to fly up to our home town to visit my other ( the eldest ) sister which she does every summer without fail.

Ive never been invited to join [ them ] even once in over 25 years of this pattern,  but I can tell you exactly what their itinerary will be. A big part of why I've never been invited is for the same reason mentioned in my last response...especially #1 on that list....the cause and effect of this dysfunction.

My eldest sister has a beatuful beach house ( not their fulltime residence ) so every summer, ( always in August ) my sister and her husband fly up to visit. 

The intinerary goes like this:

-They arrive to spend a couple of days with my olest sister. They will order Chinese food take out,  from the exact same restraunt and order the exact same dishs they have for over 40 years. 

-My eldest sister will prepare the exact same food and dishs my mother use to make. Itll be the exact same potato salad combined with the exact same burgers and have the exact same desert dishs accordingly. The men, will sit out on the patio and chat, while my sisters will be inside to catch up. 

-My middle sister will then, go off and see all her high school friends and play with their grandchildren. ( side note: she does the exact thing at home )...while the men go play golf or something else to occupy her husbands time.

- Then, all of them will caravan down to my eldest sisters beach house, to spend a couople of days together down at the coast. 

-They'll go out to dinner, at the exact same restraunt they always go to...and most likely, order the exact same dishs they always order. If the men didn't play golf before, they'll do so now.

-After exactly 2 days, my eldest sister and husband will leave...allowing my other sister and husband to remain for the next few days.

-It use to be, my middle sister would squeeze seeing me into departing...usually in a hurry and was always late to arrive. We'd grab a bite with limited time. This stopped once I moved.

I would bet life, this is exactly what will happen even tho I've never been there. Nothing ever changes...it's like a script they learned from my mother...everything is planned way in advance, the food never changes, the restraunts never change, the itinerary is full down to last minute.  It's ground hog day...year after year after year after year....and it started with my mother.

And here I am with no plan what so ever. I have zero control of: my enviroment, the animals in it, the unforseen hazards ( like wild fires ) and unforseen things that just arise. No two days are the same, and I won't know exactly what I'll be doing on any particular day until I get there.

Yesterday, for example, a high school friend and his two buddies came riding their off road motorcycles into camp. He knew I was here, so he decided last minute to stay here overnight. His two buddies are elite offvroad racers. One, has stood on the podium at tge world famous Baja 500 desert race thats held every year. We all immediately bonded and had a good eveing telling stories and sharing some laughs. My old high school buddy said, they discovered an entirely new route than the one he's taken the 20 years previosly. I asked where they were headed? The answer was....IDK? They didnt decide that until the next morning. It was a 5 minute conversation and then they were gone. What promted their decision was breakfast...and what they felt like at the time ( which amount to riding into another state 50 miles away ).

One of the other two riders is 72 years old and is battling prostate cancer. The other ( The Baja guy ) has numorous physcal issues as well. But I undetstand this completely as I've never felt more alive than I do right now.

There's an expression in riding circles that says: "if you can't die, what fun is it?"  I understand this, I live it every day now.

The part that hit me in your post was the word unpaid. Not unpaid in money, unpaid in acknowledgment. In my own marriage the tasks were never the heavy part. Remembering his mother's birthday, noticing the low mood before he noticed it himself, keeping our friendship calendar alive, that is a whole second job that only exists if someone sees it, and usually nobody sees it.

The term is useful for one thing I think. It moves the question from am I doing enough to why is this only my job. Those are very different conversations. The first one sends you to another self help book. The second one sends you to the kitchen table with a short list and an honest talk.

One caution from my side of it. Mankeeping becomes a trap when the partner turns into a project instead of a participant. Projects need managers. Participants need agreements.

this work is something we do because we believe these things are important - the rituals and routines and relationships that we think ought to be honoured and maintained. And it seems from J’s POV at least, they shouldn’t be. I know this is subjective and isn’t universal- my ex would get angry if I didn’t help him with this stuff and he then seemed to have effed up. And he expected endless psychological support and stress-and-anger-dumping on me. So by some men at least this stuff is expected, even demanded. But surely there’s something in just allowing ‘failure’? It might mean abandoning all hope of a social, reciprocal relationship with that person - them not being there for stuff that matters and not honouring people and relationships that sustain us eventually allows the whole structure of a shared life to collapse - but maybe that is better and more honest than continuing pushing this particular boulder up a hill. Hence, perhaps, 2Independent’s friends staying single. 

(I also know men who are brilliant, generous and far better than me, at all this maintenance stuff)

Good point Honestly. The failure to maintain social connections is the logical outcome of a marriage where one partner has extremely low executive function. And perhaps also spends all free time in hiding.

But then some of us nons are highly social and used to social abundance, even afraid to be alone. So before we surrender and let go of our entire support network and sources of joy, we try desperately to compensate for our passive partner.

This has been a nightmare for me. Feeling connection, safety and joy inexplicably slip away, while I held on as much as I could to people who used to know me as someone fun, and were less interested in the desperate hollow person I’d become. I suffered for years like this before my ex husband was finally diagnosed and the nightmare had a name.

This is the loneliest part of my life so far. But I’m slowly building a new circle of friends.

"Ferrara and Vergara's original theory says the burden occurs when women's emotional support is not equally reciprocated within the relationship. Their examples center on emotional support and social-network maintenance—not the total exchange of everything two people contribute to a partnership."

"The authors specifically require an asymmetry."

Of course, I had to look it up ( at the source ) not from a periodical written to sell viewership. Right of the bat, I believe dustortions ( and bias's ) have already occured.

Something 2indepent said has been haunting me ever since I read her post : "This is a cultural thing....."

Question: What [ culture ] and from's who's perspective are we discussing here?

"TAKING CARE OF EVERYTHING."

Question: EVERYTHING? In terms of what is she referring? 

I'll attempt to stay on point, but I also see many things here that are coming into play including the contrast in my own current experience from the one I just left.

To start, I bekieve my own fanily ( that I was referring to ) is a dysfunctional, non-working unit. My old therapists even called us the "every man, woman and child fpr themselves family unit" It definitely has a micro-culture of it's own, in an unhealthy /enmeshed way. So did the micro-culture I just left with my X and her familiy...so we can throw those out when we're talking culture as mental health issues featured prominently..in fact, front and center as if...this is the societal norm. I don't think normal healthy famalies act this way...so when we're talking "big picture" societal norms...these don't represent what Ferrera and Vergara are talking about. At least, not the distorted versions I experiernced or perhaps, what's being duscussed in Vogue magazine. ( IDK ? )

Also, as I witnessed in X's family. These mellenials are hard core button pushers. They sit around "pushing buttons" which appears as completely sedintary and with few real world skills. That's the "new age" culture ...but not the one that 50 + something people came from...the one referred to in the original post.

Finally, the religious "sub culture" that is heavily influenced in a dogmatic belief system ...as the one I was exposed to. When my middle sister kept saying to me " you need to serve " ...this seemed strangely odd, vague and confusing to me? I honestky had no idea what she was talking about...because she was speaking from a sub culture that has its own "lingo" that is simply foreign to me? Like huh??? ( I don't get it ) ...but somehow, expecting me to without any context?

I had a realization yesterday, that may explain this better. I think I may ubderstand what "service" really means...in a context I can understand. I apologize up front about making this lengthy, but I can't tell you how I arrived at my conclusion without telling the story?

I've already mentioned where I've been living for the past 2 months ( in direct violation of the 2 week limit ). I've spoken with two different state troopers and numerous others who've been here as I'm not trying to hide it...and have openly said so. The consensus being....we don't care. As one person said it...."out here, it's like the "wild west" so rules and regulations are somewhat discretionary. And that dicscretion is based on what they see, and a big part of it has to do with my practice of picking up grabage others leave amd taking care of the hot springs. These hot springs have been used by native americans for centuries. Beads, from their buckskins, can still be found in the silt at the bottom of the pools.

This use to be private land, owned by a local rancher. The cowboys have built up ( with rocks ) and a crude concrete wall..making two pools ( a hot and cooler one ) which makes this place very unique. It's a special place, with scenuc beauty beyond compare that has been used in it's current condition for the past 45 years. The cowboys use to come here to unwind, get drunk, and have a place to go when working the cattle. All men of course...as it was specifically stated.

Since that time, the ranch was purchased by a corporate owner from another state. They don't even come here to over see the cattle...and the BLM ( bureua of land management ie: federal government ) whi now owns the land and springs...does nothing to maintain the area...except to replace the toilet paper in the one pit toilet. There's no garbage removal service...it's considered "primitive" in terms of camping facities.

In the meantime, the cattle roam free and ut's a severe drought situation. The streams and ponds are all dry with very few options for tge cows to drink...so they've started drunking from the springs and wreaking the fragile eco-systems...let alone, the very burms thst hild the water in the pools. Ive witbessed these cows, sometimes, 30 or more, destroying a critcal pount in the basin where the water flows out...to the point, the burm is at a critcal levels and beung destroyed and emptying the springs into the marshes.

And the cops won't do anything. The ranchers ( the corporate owners in another state ) could care less and are functionally worthless, only to be eclipsed ( in wirthlessness ) by the federal goverment who, as I understand, have one field officer...who no one has ever seen

 So basically ..no one is going to do anything about this critical situation, and the powers that be say: "nothing we can do."

So I'm building a dam. I hauling huge rocks from the area ( 80 -100 lbs )picking them out of the ground with a pick axe, and construction a rock wall, using gravel from the road, and sand ...and making morter to hold it all together. It's Proghorn Anteope season now, abd my new neighbors are 3 generations of men: grandfather, two sons, and two of there sons cone to hunt. When they saw what I was doing, they brought a piece of drain pipe someone left in the desert they found, and created a very profesional looking outlet for the pools built into my dam. One of these men, has now started haulung rocks and placing them, as I'm hauling buckets of sand and gravel and dumpung them on top. Today, I'm starting to morter it all in.. mixing mud made of clay and sand together. Temperatures have been up to 108° in the afternoon...so it's definitely a morning time job, one day at a time.

Together, we're creating a permanent fix to this problem that will stand here for years to come. I've trenched out a channel for the water ti fkow into a large watering hole for the cows. The cows have already begun to drink from the new watering hole instead of destroying the banks of the springs which fixes the problem permanently until the drought passes and the creeks start running again.

And as far as this thing mentioned about men not having support or the "make frienship recession". I don't know how many times I've tried to explain this. My male frienships are entirely "activity  based". Which means ..no activity....no friendships. I mean seriosly...take your pick: motorcyckes, cars, sailing, camping, skiing...the list goes on!! I'm not a button pusher...I need action and activites ( first ) to surround myself with friends.

And just like these hunters. Three generations of men together ...with one purpose or goal. It's not for food...no one need Antelope meat in this day and age. What I'm witnessing with these men, is exactly what I didn't have. My father would never do what these men did, or share in a common activity like I see them doing.. .ages from 20's to close to 80 years old...all sharing the same activity ...together at the same time.

And now, it's dam building. Once they saw me, they joined me ...naturally. i didnt ask them to, they just volenteered.

And I'm not get paid anything for doing this. I'm not even sure it'd be "officially approved". But hey, all I see and hear is apathy or " there's nothing we can do". No one was going to fix this problem or they simply didn't care.

"Who's this we m#ther f$#ker...you got a turd in your pocket? " I didn't say that to the cop, but I was thinking about it when he said that.

And the sole reason for me doing it? Is  because I can.

Yesterday, I drove to the nearest gas station/country store/cafe to get drinking water and a few supplies ( and one there famous milkshakes and chili burger smothered with cheese and chopped onions ( chili size )..their known for their cheeseburgers ). While I was waiting for my food, the cop who I spoke to walked in. He's also the game warden so he's in the area checking hunters for proper tags. We had a nice chat and I mentioned my dam building project. He told me he was already planning to come out to the hot springs and he liked my "inititiative". I said, "well, no one else was going to do it " and he said "except you". He also admitted he looked before and agreed, the cows were really destroying that area of the springs.

I actually beat him back, and was in the springs when he arrived, so I pointed to the dam and he said: "I like what you did there, you should have been an engineer."

So this morning, as I was plugging yet another flat tire ( the 3rd so far ...which is why I'm over staying....to save up for some really expensive 10 ply E rated tire made for these volcanic rocky unimproved roads . I get paid on the 1rst...my monthly Social Security check )...and I look up and the cowboys from the ranch had returned. There were 5 on horseback, come to round up the cattle and move them ( back ) yp the canyon which they did once before.

I cannot, not think, that my initiative and solution to this cow issue didn't prompt a phone call from the state trooper. He's already in the area, and once he saw what I'd done, I think he decided to make a call and light a fire under their asses. It's just too coinsidebtal that they showed up the next morning.

I don't think this is rocket science or any deep psychological explaination here... nothing plus nothing equals nothing. Doing something,  started a chain reaction in a positive direction. Cause and effect. 

So this morning ...another State Trooper / Game Warden drove into camp. He caught me with a bucket of gravel in my hand, pouring more into my dam. This guy had been herr before and was surprised to find me still here. I told him about my tire situation and why I was still around. He responded saying " oh I know...I just put $1,800 of new tires on my truck ( pointing to his vehicle ). He said:" you've been here over a month now haven't you?"  I said "two". But explained that when I get paid on the first, I'll be driving down to Nevada to get my new tires." He said:" Oh I don't care how long you're here, you can winter over here if you like, I'm just making sure you have enough food." Again, that's in direct violation of the two week federal limit. These Troopers work for the State, not the feds.

In this culture I'm appreciated. My skills are recognized and the people I've come in contact want me here. I fit in perfectly, and it very obvious. I'm conpletely out pf meds. No alchohal, no cannibis, no substances other that food and water. I no longer depressed and my body has responded in kind. I can see my 6-pack again, and my love handles are gone. I'm now down to a 31" waist as my 32" shorts feel loose. Like I did in high school. And...I'm totallt bronzed from head to toe. I basically live in surfer board shorts and flip flops most of the time....and it feels wonderful. I haven't felt this good in God knows how long. Any ADHD symptoms I have, are conpletely irrelevant in this culture. It's as if, the AuDhd doesnt even exist.

What strikes me most is the things I've said here while living with X. Worrying about bread crumbs on the counters. Making sure tiny particles of dirt aren't on the floor. Being chastized for forgetting to take the garbage out or any number of complaints lodged against me.. within that culture. It seems like a form of insanity to me now!

Or when my middle sister grabbed my mothers wheel chair from my hands when coming up on a slight downward slope on the side walk in fear....I might not be able to handle it. The absurdity is beyond rediculous to me now....as I scale rock formations towering 500ft above the desert floor walking on volcanic rock with no trail. Or ...riding my Ebike on primitive trails and roads...wearing only my flip flops, no helmet, no shirt, and a baseball hat and shorts. Just as I did as a kid... I have mad skills on a bicycle too ( as I did back then )....I don't go fast....but I also don't fall.

My point being, I changed cultures, and with it....all my best and most valuable skills are being utilized every day. I don't just pick up my garbage now, I pick up others as well. I don't set tme tables or schedules. I do it, when I feel like it but it always gets done. 

And as far as crumbs of toast go...I just flick them to the ground, with the rest of the dirt. That's all there is around here...dirt and rocks...and the animals and insect certainly don't mind.

But most of all, I'm appreciated by everyone who I come in contact. Even the powers that be are willing to forgo the rules...becuase I'm using my skills to help everyone, and maintain a natural treasure for everyone to use in the future.

 So it seems, in one culture I'm a poria, to be discarded and thrown in the streets with seemingly no value what so ever. To, being a valuable asset to the the people I meet who welcone me to stay. I haven't changed one bit...I just moved to a different culture where I'm an asset instead of a liability. I find this dichotony a facsinating thing?

Sonething happened today, that seems like it was meant to be. The cowboys returned to collect the stray cattle missed on their first sweep. With them, were five Border Collie herding dogs who made quck work of these stubborn cows.

 A group of us ( the 3 generations of Antelope hunters ) and myself were at the hot springs when they came over to chat. One of the Border Collies came up to me to say hello and I gave her a little affection. The head cowboy said, he had two of her pups ( the one I was petting ) and was giving then away to anyone who wanted one.

As it was brought up in this post, about women over 50 not wanting to be in a relationship, I too have the same feelings after everything I've been through. I mentioned already that I believe dogs are superior to humans especially as companions. I hasten the story to say, I went over to the ranch and brought home a pup. I picked the male, as there was one of each to choose from.

Before I say anything else, I'm very aware of the pro's and con's of Border Collies. Being the smartest dog breed in the world ( as repirted ) they need lots of attention, training but kost of all, a job or they can be prone to uneanted behavior. They aren't for soneone who doesn't have the time or energy to invest in their training. But I do, which is why I decided to take it on. 

He smelled like cows, so the first order of business ws to give him a bath. I took into the cool pond of the two heated springs which is more like a hotter than normal swinming pool. The second I let go of him, he began to swim. No learning curve what so ever, he's a natural in water. After his swim, he took a nap bundled in a towel, then after that, I fed him then took him for a walk. We climbed to the summit behind my camp and he stuck to me like glue...exsctly what I wanted.

I've always slept with my dogs, no naturally, he just curled up beside me and fell asleep. He been up twice to poop and pee, and has already attempted to chew things he shouldn't but then again, he's only 6 weeks old.

These dogs require a lot of work ( at first ) but the payoff comes as a loyal companion who'll stick to you like glue and are smarter than many humans I know!

It's just so strange how this all came to be. I didn't find him, he came to me in the most unlikely way, under the most unlikely of circunstances. He's even a Tri-Color which is my faovite markings of all. He's absolutely adorable, and even talks ( non barking vocalizations ). On top of everything else, it was no cost to me which was the final considerstion that made adopting him possible.

So, as fate would have it, he kind of just dropped out of the sky into my lap. As I mentioned here before, I had no hopes of that ever happening with a human female! Lol

Anyway, I think a case of synchronicity can be made. I'd never choose a Border Collie in the past because I wouldn't have the time or energy to devote to their training or, be with then enough to keep one busy....

But now I do? I named him Gus after Gus McCrae from Lonesome Dove ( Robert Duvall ). I figured, a real cattle dog from a real working cattke ranch needed a proper cowboy name  Gus seens to fit him perfectky, as well as everthing else about this strange turn of events.  He's curled up under my arm pit sleeping, this very moment as I'm writing this.

I'm writing this with a heavy heart, but this has been a very long time coming. As I was just sitting in the hot springs at 2am with the full moon illuninating the darkness to the point of almost day light, I was saddened by everything I can now see in my own family of origin, and it made me feel ashamed. Not of myself but of them.

Before I continue, I must remind those here that I firmly believe I'm not the only one in my family with ADHD( autism ) and perhaps, other nental healrh issues that have largely been dissmissed and undiagnosed. This has less to do with gender, and more to do with living a life in hiding, to make sure, no one see's what I now can see...and I see and remember everything. It's my blessing and a curse.

What triggered this, in this moment, was the response from my middle sister. She blames her inability to respond like ALL others on messenger, becuaes as she puts it: "I see these great pictures and comments ( mine ) but sometimes, things come in periodically and I see their no longer there, but I don't get on Facebook much so I don't see what you're doing. Stay in touch, love you."

She doesn't see it , because she doesn't look. And messenger tells you the last time a person was on and she was just on 5 hrs ago...but hasn't bothered to look at my response from 10 days ago. 

So saying she's "not on very much" is a lie. ALL other people I communicate with, actually respond...usualky in a few hours not 10 or more days without ever looking after they write you a message. She might as well add the tag  ..."lets keep in touch, love you, let's do lunch sometime."...which are just shallow and superficial words that sound nice, but lack any real depth or substance. It's performance, to keep up a public image that isn't real. 

 In riding circles, it's called a "poser". Someone who buys an expensive, fancy motorcycle with  all the gesr: a brand new outfit, gloves and trimmings, and stands beside this brand new bike and "poses" as a rider... but they actually can't ride. They give off the "appearance of" a genuine rider, yet it's fake and phoney...all for show. When I looked at the pictures of my susters together with their husbands at the beach, posing for selfies, sitting around the fire, I felt ashamed ...not for me, but for them.

When I was 13 or 14 in Jr High, I met a kid I really liked named David. He was a very genuine guy that I really liked and we becane friends. One day, he invited me to his house to go ride bikes together which was not far from where I lived. When I arrived, I was taken aback. It was an older rental house in disrepair: run down, yard unkept, and junk strewn all around. I only stepped inside the entry for a monent while he grabbed his jacket and yelled to his mon he was leaving. I never met her, but I think he wanted it that way. The inside of his house looked like the outside and my first impression was: "they're poor". It wasn't what I was use to, as my family had money.

I don't recall what we did exactly, ubtil we were riding around "the plaza" that have a bowking alley, ice skating rink, and movie thestre amonst sone fast food and other shoppung in this tiny strip mall. David said:" are you hungry? Lets get a burrito" referring to my favorite stop for tacos. Tacos at the time were 33 cents but burritos were a much more...50 cents a piece. I told him I had no money whuch was the usual for me, as I reviced $150 a week, but only if I did the required yard work. It was'nt an allowance, more, sonething you hsd to earn. So in my mind, 50 cents was 1/3 of ny entire paycheck. It would have severely cut into my "fun money" and I'd be left with only $1 dollar. That is, if I had it in the first place which I didn't so I declined David's idea. 

But David said " hey, don't worry about it, I'll buy, it's on me."  I immediately said no, as I would have felt indebted, like I'd owe him. But David insisted and said " c'mon, I've got $1 ...we can get two, I have enough."

I'll never forget that day as long as I live. David bought me a buritto, and I remember how good it tasted. I also felt ashamed. Ashamed, that, in my heart of hesrts...I knew deep inside, that if I had $1....I would not have offered or bought a burrito for David...despite the fact, that he was "poor". In that one moment, his act of generosity and true giving, taught me whst that was. I had never exoerienced that before  in my family...no one just "gives" you things, especually poor people?

From that moment on, the shame I felt, reminded me what it was like to have a true friend and what guving was really all about. He wasn't from that same "every man woman and child for themselves" type family like mine, and shared what little he had without giving it s second thought. Despite the fact, that he had far less in tangible things, but was rich in was I had never esperienced before. Unfortunately, David moved away the next year and I never saw him again. 

Since that tine, I've tried to be more like David from just that one single act that left such s lasting impression. David was a real person, with authentic qualities that I both admired and wished I could be like. He didn't have money, but what he dud have was real. He wasn't a poser, he was the genuine articke.

So when I see my own family...with their wealth and money...their $100,000 Porche's, their beach houses, tennis clubs and affluant neighborhoods ....and I see them posing for pictures together...I think of David. David never came over to my house...but I already know he wiould not be approved of. He would most likely be looked down upon...knowing my family as well as I do.

And here I am now, with very little income or savings. I gave most of it away...investing in a relationships and trying to "keep up apperances" to gain approval.

Yet, I was just given a pure bred puppy for free. My hunter neughbors gave me some Elk jerky they had to help feed and train him  We all worked for free, rebuilding a hot springs thst needed repair. No one will ever know who did it, but hundrdeds of people will reap the benfits for years to come.

And that new friend from Facebook? The Deb who was from the same sorority as all tge women in my family? She actually called me to talk to me persinally...inquiring about me welfare. I'll even include the cop who wantec to know if I had enough food into this mix. These are total strangers....who, like David, show real authentic giving in a way my own blood family does not. 

And because of David....I know the difference. Going all the way back to 13 years old. As I've said, I remember everything...and I know whats real...and whats artifical and fake. One is for "appearances"...the other is not.

The Antonyms for Authentic are: fake, false, or counterfiet. 

When I looked to see if my sister had even read my response to her message over 10 days ago....I deleted my response. And I seriously doubt I'll be responding tp her again.  I no longer want to be part of this delusion or fantasy she's got going on. It isn't real and it's definitely not genuine.  I know the difference...and I can see it now, more clearly than ever. 

I hope when I do die....I don't have a penny to my name. It'll mean I've lived a life worth living, and I used that money well. You can't take it with you, as they say. There are a lot more important things than money. David taught me that long ago.

I'm coming to the end of my stay here at the hot springs and I'm feeling a mixture of emotions: peace, happiness, joy, a sense of accomplishment and saddness that it's time to leave. It's that same sad feeling when summer ends and you had to return to school as a kid but you also feel excited about the unknown school year and what it will bring.

I also wanted to tie this in with family ( one sister in particular ) going all the way back to the:" don't you want to be around people? Don't you want to have an apartment? Come back...don't go, come back." That thing. I can't even begin to tell you, what an absolute mistake that would have been!!

Eight years ago, I came up with this plan. I did tell my sister but apparently, that fell on deaf ears. In between then and now, a lot has happened, but as I sit here, with the rain about to fall, this past sumner has been one of the best summers of my entire life! 

Nearly everything I envisioned has become a reality including a number of surprises that made this adventure unique, but most importantly, my plan worked, even better than I imagined including, getting this bizarre and unusual thing called a puppy. Border Collie puppies are completely out of control, but the amount of hilarity is off the charts. I haven't laughed this much in years.

As a side note: The Burning Man Project/gathering is just over the hill from where I am. You could say, they're in the neighbirhood.  It's been in the National news but...they've experienced multiple days of dust and wind storms, followed by ( now ) rain. I'm getting that exact same weather pattern as I'm only 68 miles north as the crow flies. The only difference is: no dust or mud. It's been very windy and rainy but, I have my Shiftpod shelter ( the one that withstands high winds, high heat and can be heated in winter [ below freezing ] ) that's been more than comfortable when things get really extreme. I sit here and imagine what those 80,000 people are doing right now: in the mud and the dust and wind! Do I want to be around people? Not on your life!!

Having said that, it's why I didn't leave today as planned. I'm waiting out this system until things dry out but I'm excited for my next move which is getting new tires. I've researched this long and hard, but I've found the perfect tire match for what I'm doing. I've basically destroyed the tires on my vehicle running them on these rocky, basalt, unimprived desert roads. I've got 4 plugs ( in 3 tires ) and my spare on already. I'll be limping into Winimmucca, NV, with two plugs left, my compressor and my generater ( also part if ny original plan to have with me ). If I have to, I'll stop every 30 miles and refill my tires. I probably won't need to, but I'm prepared none the less. It's only 140 miles...that'd only be 4 pull overs to get me there ( at worst ). 

But these tires I'm buying are not the usual ones people buy. They'll make the ride more rough and are much louder over all. They're considered commercial grade off road tires for miners, and folks who live off grid. The cost is much more too....it's taking one entire paycheck just to buy them! Ouch.

But I've saved all summer to afford them...it's the main reason I stayed in one place for so long to save on gas and travel expenses...that was the entire point in me staying so long. To afford my ability ...to continue with my plan, which is....to do exactky what I'm doing, to reach these remote spots with very few poeple and just stay and immerse myself into the envirnment. I can't NOT, not afford the tures to get me there. That's the point. It's the prioriry to make it happen. 

FYI: For anyone who's interested. The tires I chose are the: Toyo M55, 10ply, E rated, steel belted commericial grade tires that can fill to 80lbs psi as needed.  Serious tires for serious terrain....which is why they're so expensive. 

So I guess, my overall point is....I may not hsve much money, but I'm making it work anyway. The cost of these tires is equlipsed by the experience I just had this summer. As I said, one of ( if not equal to ) the best summer I can remember in recent history.

Which made me think about my sister again, asking me:" don't you want to be around people? Don't you want an apartment?"

No!!  That's a no brainer...the comparison seems rediculous to me now.