Bonjour à tous,
I’m new here, and I have to say I’m really glad I found a site like this.
I’m 45 years old and had been living with an amazing woman for 21 years. We have a home and two young daughters, aged 6 and 10.
I was diagnosed as gifted/high IQ three years ago, and only diagnosed with ADHD about a year ago. Around the same time, things were becoming increasingly difficult for my partner. She was starting to question her feelings for me, and she was becoming more and more exhausted from having to manage everything, deal with my forgetfulness, my many time-consuming projects and activities, and above all, my mood swings and emotional reactions.
The ADHD diagnosis helped us for a while, but unfortunately it didn’t last. I refused to take medication and foolishly thought I could overcome all of this through willpower alone. She gave me a second chance, but without treatment, I eventually fell back into the same patterns.
And then, a month ago, emotionally exhausted, she left me.
We now take turns living in our house with the children, one week each, and we are going to have the house valued soon because we will probably have to sell it.
I never wanted to hurt her. Realizing how much pain I had actually caused her completely devastated me.
And the worst part is that this breakup was an enormous wake-up call for me.
I immediately started taking the medication I had been prescribed. I’m seeing a psychologist. I’ve been reading and learning a lot about ADHD. I’ve stopped getting angry and trying to constantly convince her of things. I make sure that everything is in perfect order in the house when she takes it back — cleaning, laundry, meals, etc. I try not to beg her to come back because I don’t want to put any more pressure or stress on her. I’m getting organized and I’m doing a very good job of taking care of the children on my own without getting angry. I’m finally taking better care of myself too — eating properly, exercising, paying more attention to the way I dress, etc.
For the first time, I can clearly see that real change is possible. Of course, I still have a lot of work to do, and I know that genuine change will take much longer than a month.
What horrifies me is that I had to lose her before I finally understood what was wrong and found the strength to change.
And, if I’m completely honest, for now my main motivation for changing is the hope that I might be able to win her back someday.
I would really appreciate your opinions, advice and support.
Do you think I have any chance of winning her back if I genuinely manage to change?
Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this, and for any advice or personal experiences you might be willing to share.
Comments
Two decades
I’m so sorry about your situation. Don’t know your wife or the degree of pain she’s endured, so cannot guess about her willingness to return.
But two decades is a long time to suffer from your children’s father’s untreated ADHD. I’ve done it, it’s been terrible, and even though I still am emotionally tied to my ex, there’s no way our marriage can be restored. Even though there is now a diagnosis and treatment.
A palace or an almshouse?
Good for you for getting on the right track! I think an important question, though, is are you doing all this/getting healthier for you or getting healthier only to win her back? Maybe both. My personal opinion is that you have to make change primarily for you--because you are committed to it for yourself. That way, even if she chooses not to take you back, you will be in a better place (generally), able to get more satisfaction out of life and eventually enter a relationship where you are "together."
Henry David Thoreau wrote, “I will come to you, my friend, when I no longer need you. Then you will find a palace, not an almshouse.”
Work on becoming that palace! See what it opens up for you.
Do It for yourself ...
...not for someone else. I'm not with anyone, and I continue to work on my ADHD related challenges for myself ( by myself ). ADHD is not an "on again", "off again" kind of thing. I have AuDhd 24/7...making things second nature and routine comes from doing it all the time. The more I do something, the better I become over time. It's just the way it works.
What comes to mind is that quote from Field of Dreams: "build it, and he will come...". You can make "he" anyone you like but the idea is the same..."they will come" works just as well.
Keep going...
First of all, I just want to say welcome to the forum!
Acknowledging your diagnosis and seeking treatment are great first steps. You are informing yourself and understanding the challenges that play a part in your relationship, along with medication. Give yourself some grace and I hope you feel good about the progress you are making. I wish my husband would take the extra steps that you are.
In the end, please do all of this for yourself. Hopefully she will see the changes you are making and want to try again. Only she can decide that for herself.
You do sound just like my ex
Except he's still not able to leave the house in a decent state. And he's not here, on this site, reading and learning. So kudos to you for that. But the reality of that kind of marriage is so damned hard for the non ADHD person. You feel so under-loved and unheard and under-valued. You absorb so much bad temper and unpleasantness. It's hard on your career; mine collapsed. And all I needed from my ex was him to maybe be about 5% nicer and I would have been okay; I would have coped.
If I have any advice, I'd say, begin by hearing her. Really hearing her. Not trying to persuade her you have changed, no talking over her; if you can embrace the pain and your own discomfort, and hear how she's experienced the past two decades, and she can know she's heard, that will be a start.
Other side of the coin
I am the same age, and have also been with my wife for nearly 20 years. She was diagnosed with severe ADHD only a few years ago. I only hope that she can take the steps that you have taken before I cannot take it anymore and leave. Our children are 3 and 4, and they both have behavioral problems. I believe this is largely due to the poor quality of our relationship. For the past few years it's as though she does not even want me around except to yell at me or take the children off of her hands. She will go days without fully engaging with myself or the boys. She is struggling so much, and I have offered to help in so many ways. I will echo what honestly said above - it is as though she has no idea that our marriage is in shambles. I just made my first post here on the anger and frustration forum (feel free to read). I suggested that we move to her hometown so that she can regroup and be near her family, and so that we can have help with the children. She is no longer working, which I find terrifying, but I am going along. I loved our previous home and community, but I felt that I could not interact with those that I cared about back there due to the need to constantly be on at the house and with the kids, and to parent my spouse. I was just too exhausted for a life outside of the home. She also split with most of our shared friends, and would say nasty things about people that I care about. We have been down here two weeks, and I already miss home. Fortunately, housing is cheaper here, and we were able to find a home with a garage apartment, so I have a place to stay if it comes down to it. I think that I would take her back if we were to separate and take the steps that you have. I always hear "when there's time", whether it is about us, the kids, or my needs, and that just doesn't fly for neuro-typicals. Today, I became tearful seeing a picture of my brother and his family because I could see the genuine happiness on their faces, and I can't believe that things have gotten so poor with us. Keep on taking care of yourself. You deserve to live to your potential, even if the well of your relationship has been poisoned.
Community
Ouch, I can very much relate to the slow erosion of community when in a troubled ADHD marriage.
I felt increasingly cut off from every social setting for years, for lack of understanding. Nobody gets you when you’re with a depressed, anxious severe ADHD partner, and you can’t function socially like everyone else.
Finally I was alone with the facts of the marriage, except for my family of origin. They basically invalidated the experience and normalized my lonely desperate existence. They probably preferred their masking brother in law to their whining sister.
To this day I have a hard time forgiving both them and myself for how things went.
In your shoes, I’d work on my sense of community. If you’ve left everything behind, please try to make new connections asap. You will need them!