I’m seeing troubling tendencies in myself post divorce from ADD partner. Burnout from carrying it all is still real. I’m so afraid to excert myself I navigate life with brakes on.
Work is brutal and always has been. Still in the same house I had built, decorated and gardened for the family. Now tending it alone. Though it’s not a terrible burden financially, I consider every decision and every hour of domestic work with extreme care and some anxiety. I never know what state I’ll be in after a workday. Perhaps I won’t even be able to brush my teeth in the evening.
What if I collapse under the endless demands, trying to prioritize children’s needs, social obligations and the rest? What will happen to my kids?
At the moment I’m trying out a couple of local societies for socializing and exercising. It’s nice, but I’m terrified that they will ask me to contribute, like go to meetings.
There’s just nothing extra. I have nothing extra.
From next week I’ll work a few hours less per week. Don’t know if that’ll make difference, but it’s worth a try. But the rest? I probably need hobbies. But the piano repels me and I can’t bear to open the box of watercolors. Am afraid of all responsibilities. Getting a pet, for instance, is unthinkable. A helpless creature with infinite needs! I’m just spent, and also tense about all the things I shoulder alone without help.
And yes, having been an invalidated child I have no ability to ask for help.
My aunt came over the other day with a pair of favorite shorts she hoped I could mend. Perhaps she’s trying to demonstrate reasonable behavior, show me it’s ok to ask other people for help. My stomach dropped - I dread extra tasks, there’s no room for anything extra - and then I took out the sewing machine and did the work and it went well. I left the shorts at her door with a sense of relief, they could no longer be forgotten, or neglected. They represented a burden I wasn’t fit to carry, but since I love my aunt I’m still determined to do things for her.
Why am I this way? I feel like a crazy hypervigilant mess. And also, how long will it last? It’s been three years.
It probably looks like I have things together and present reasonably well, but emotionally and philosophically, I’m lost. In spite of prioritizing harder than anyone I know, I have no energy, no reserves, no sense of abundance. And I also spend too much time on my phone, which is not ideal but I can’t seem to stop.
Does anyone recognize this?
Comments
i get that.
I still have a huge sense of inertia - that it's like shifting a mountain, to go on a trip, or book tickets for something, or take the kids somewhere. This exact feeling of 'don't ask anything more of me.' I think it's from carrying too much for too long, from crumbling under it. I'm still cracked; structurally unsound.
I’m sorry you feel it too
Honestly, it’s not a great thing to share, but I’m grateful that you understand this.
Do you think there’s an end to it..?
i think I’m getting better
With my ex around there was always so much pressure to do his stuff; I’d carry the logistical weight but the goal would be something for him. His work, his interests, his family. Now I find doing very low key stuff simply because I want to sometimes will help open up the possibility of doing more. For eg I am now planning- it sounds crazy- to go swimming once a week. For years that would have felt too much on top of survival. And I booked some theatre tickets for a show I wanted to see. So there is a shift. And being selfish (it feels like selfish) enables me to be maybe a bit more generous with my energies sometimes. But there is still a hige resistance to stuff I don’t personally want to do.
tbh, even acknowledging what I want and don’t want feels huge.
That is so good to hear
I’m glad you’re doing better!
Are you me!?
I can't believe how well you articulated this EXACT thing I feel. I am over 5 years out and still feel that way. I hate that I dread social commitments that should be fun because it's one more thing I feel like I'm being asked to do and my well is still bone dry.
I have been trying to convey this to my mother, unsuccessfully. She thinks I should get a cat and host the Christmas event, and talk to my brother about a pretty weighty family issue, etc. etc. But I have absolutely nothing to give to anyone else beyond what I'm already doing. It's the same reason I haven't pursued dating. No one understands this at ALL but you just articulated it so perfectly. I still feel so depleted from years of doing the work of two adults.
I truly don't know if this will resolve or not. After 5 years, it has improved a very small amount for me. Once I've clocked a lot of "me-time" (which I can for the first time in 18 years with my daughter away at school), I find I have a little bit of energy for something extra. Something small like cleaning a neglected room or inviting my mom shopping for a couple of hours. But still only something I want to do - not extra external demands that others are placing on me. I think i have a huge aversion to that. I feel like everyone wants something from me.
Thank you so much for making me feel not crazy!
Thank you Melody, also a question
Thank you Melody for validating this.
A question - you mentioned me time. Do you have an actual way to relax now? How’s it done?
I find relaxation foreign. Sure, I can watch a series, go for a walk, call a friend, go out on the town, garden, do yoga, and these things are all good. But I don’t feel like doing them. They’re chores. Because I need to avoid depression and make myself a new life. They’re not real recreation, like I used to experience it.
Somebody said the difference between work and recreation is the latter has no aim and isn’t finished. Going for a swim in summer is recreation if you walk to the water, look at it, and decide you don’t care to get in, but instead drift away to do something else that just caught your attention.
Work is trudging to the waterfront, changing into your swimsuit, spending the appropriate amount of time in the water, then drying off, changing and going back the way you came.
This makes sense to me, but still I seem unable to stop working in almost everything I do. Evenings with kids after cooking and cleaning the dishes, exhaustion almost makes me cry. It’s all so so heavy. And I used to be quick, strong, sure of myself. I don’t feel the same person anymore, and it’s frightening.
It's not quite the same
I agree that relaxation is hard to sink into now.
I do have some time now for the first time in decades. With my daughter at school, now my workday might be 8-10 hours. After that I tend to make a super easy dinner (boil some fresh pasta, a store-bought rotisserie chicken with bagged salad) and flop down in my bed to eat it and watch something. I do struggle with feeling guilty for not being productive and I don't always fully enjoy it, but I can tell it's helping me because after a few hours, I do feel like I actually have some more bandwidth.
I also have one hobby where I go out once weekly and I do love it. Most weeks after work I don't want to do it. I'm so tired from work. But once I go, I'm really happy. So I try to follow the happy. If there are things I know feel more like work than fun, I try to limit or cut them out. I'm getting more and more comfortable with saying no, regardless of what people think.
I'm like you... I can turn anything into work - even the things that are supposed to be fun. I think we have such an incomprehensible deficit when it comes to time for ourselves and it will just take a lot of time to overcome. I relate to honestly's post about the little improvements. They're very small, but they are there.
Thank you Melody
It’s hopeful to hear about you regaining abilities.
Follow happy is probably an excellent strategy. Strangely, I often feel happy for unpredictable reasons. Perhaps that’s the key: to try things out a little randomly and then be pleasantly surprised.
You comfort me, I feel we’re all going to get better.
You comfort me too!
You and others here make me feel so much less alone. So few people, if any, in our in-person lives can understand what we've been through.
I never could have predicted I'd still need this forum 5 years after ending my relationship.
And yes, about being asked for favors
Melody, I wholeheartedly agree about several things you wrote, but the mention of disliking being asked favors really struck a cord with me.
I resented my friend the other night. We had been out walking and came home to my house, and she was about to leave in her car. She said she didn’t want to stay for tea or such, because she had to make an early night. I hadn’t asked her to stay, so made a little mental note about that. Then she asked for water, that I go into the kitchen and pour her some to drink by the door, so she wouldn’t have to take her shoes off.
I was surprised at the very real insult I felt about this. I felt it was entitled, and unnecessary besides.
I would never ask a thing like that, because it would imply my comfort is more important than my friend’s (not to mention not asking them if they were also thirsty). I would however gladly make small gestures like filling other people’s glasses at restaurant tables and like to be a generous host.
When I’ve decided it myself, just as you said. I don’t like others to take my efforts even a little bit for granted.
Painfully aware of the clock
Hello again Swedish coast! I see this from inside the relationship that is in shambles, but that I (maybe we?) are working on. I have said to her that I envy her ability to get lost in the moment and lose track of time. Maybe that was invalidating to her, but it is my truth, as I am always "on". I am a task monster, and my depression and anxiety hits when I stop moving. Maybe that made us a natural fit for most of the relationship. Sometimes these dynamics work well, until they don't. I am the big picture guy, she is more detail oriented, and we can both be inpatient and impulsive.
I was high functioning with an alcohol use disorder for many years, and getting lost in the moment, and that ease of connection with others is something that I truly miss about alcohol. I have to admit that I have had cravings recently as things have gotten worse with us, but I won't let myself slip. I have small children to care for, and I like myself more now than I did then. At least, outside of the relationship. She has even told me that I was not as angry or irritable when I was drinking, which did not feel very supportive.
The most recent time that I was truly happy was after the birth of our second child. New baby high and all. Still, he was a demanding baby, and my wife would often fall asleep with him. This is when she seemed to completely lose interest in me, but it had been happening for some time, and I was just trying to cope. Plus, I was hopeful with a new child. What did it though was that I had picked up a new hobby at that time (making beats on a sampler). I would get into a flow state almost nightly with it, and I was having a blast. My unit could be battery powered, and I would sit out in the yard and punch away. I made so many tracks, and I didn't care if they were good or not (I think that some were). And wouldn't you know it?! I tried to share what I was doing with my partner to connect, and she would flat out reject me every time. She had "no bandwidth" for it, even though it meant something to me. I had no one to share my joy with. In fact, she was mad that I was able to have a hobby. It got to the point that any mention of what I was working on was met with disdain. What stung the most about it is that this sort of thing, my tinkering with music and such, is part of what had attracted her to me in the first place. And of course, I feel that I have carried the attention weight with our children since then, so that time was really like a mirage.
What made that time so wonderful was that I was doing something for me that was not related to my managing my family, home, or career, and I could get lost in the moment. It was mine, and I was proud of it. I am simply not my authentic self without creative pursuits or meaningful connection with others. In a recent post blow-up talk, I told her that I don't feel that I can be my authentic self with her anymore. Hopefully she heard me.
Authentic self
I hear you, Chervil. It’s troubling when the marriage pulls you off balance to such an extent.
I worry too. The piano tuner turned up yesterday. This instrument has barely been played since he came last year. And when he asked about it and I admitted I hadn’t played much, he seemed disappointed in me.
Don’t know why this really got to me, but cried after he left and couldn’t stop.
I’m not my authentic self, not living my life, still in survival mode three years after divorce. Doing all I can to protect my teenagers from the fact both their parents burned out in the marriage. My ex seems low functioning, so I still wring myself to try and provide fun and education to compensate for him. Ironically, I suspect what the kids truly need is me in better shape. Authentic, as you said.
How to accomplish this?
At least I’ve got myself an appointment with a psychologist Monday. Perhaps that can help.