I’m seeing troubling tendencies in myself post divorce from ADD partner. Burnout from carrying it all is still real. I’m so afraid to excert myself I navigate life with brakes on.
Work is brutal and always has been. Still in the same house I had built, decorated and gardened for the family. Now tending it alone. Though it’s not a terrible burden financially, I consider every decision and every hour of domestic work with extreme care and some anxiety. I never know what state I’ll be in after a workday. Perhaps I won’t even be able to brush my teeth in the evening.
What if I collapse under the endless demands, trying to prioritize children’s needs, social obligations and the rest? What will happen to my kids?
At the moment I’m trying out a couple of local societies for socializing and exercising. It’s nice, but I’m terrified that they will ask me to contribute, like go to meetings.
There’s just nothing extra. I have nothing extra.
From next week I’ll work a few hours less per week. Don’t know if that’ll make difference, but it’s worth a try. But the rest? I probably need hobbies. But the piano repels me and I can’t bear to open the box of watercolors. Am afraid of all responsibilities. Getting a pet, for instance, is unthinkable. A helpless creature with infinite needs! I’m just spent, and also tense about all the things I shoulder alone without help.
And yes, having been an invalidated child I have no ability to ask for help.
My aunt came over the other day with a pair of favorite shorts she hoped I could mend. Perhaps she’s trying to demonstrate reasonable behavior, show me it’s ok to ask other people for help. My stomach dropped - I dread extra tasks, there’s no room for anything extra - and then I took out the sewing machine and did the work and it went well. I left the shorts at her door with a sense of relief, they could no longer be forgotten, or neglected. They represented a burden I wasn’t fit to carry, but since I love my aunt I’m still determined to do things for her.
Why am I this way? I feel like a crazy hypervigilant mess. And also, how long will it last? It’s been three years.
It probably looks like I have things together and present reasonably well, but emotionally and philosophically, I’m lost. In spite of prioritizing harder than anyone I know, I have no energy, no reserves, no sense of abundance. And I also spend too much time on my phone, which is not ideal but I can’t seem to stop.
Does anyone recognize this?
