Forum topic: Feeling hopeless after moving cross country for her

I have been with my wife for almost 20 years, and we have lived together for nearly the whole time. I love her dearly. She always had a quirky nature about her, which is part of what attracted me to her, as I am also a bit funky. Early in the relationship I would often feel that she was absent-minded about everyday things like chores and shopping, and she did not seem the best at planning, time management, ect. But none of that mattered much to me because we were in love, and I love planning and organizing (a common dynamic in ADHD/non-ADHD relationships, I am learning). We met in our late twenties, and we were both working in restaurants, and living that lifestyle. We went out drinking and dining a lot, took amazing vacations (that I planned for us), and had robust social lives. We chose to go back to school together and get our master’s degrees, and we established decent careers. Pursuing graduate degrees as working adults was difficult for both of us, but we succeeded. My wife is brilliant when she is focused and interested in something. She became a government scientist and worked her way up to a supervisor position. 

I don’t know what happened exactly, but during the covid-19 lockdown, she seemed to grow tired of me and began putting up walls. We were playing Scrabble – a favorite pastime of ours – and I was admittedly being a sore loser. She set a firm boundary that she would no longer play boardgames with me, and six years later she still refuses to play. She has always held grudges, and that has caused minor rifts with us in the past as I am quick to forgive, I hate bad blood, and I love making up. Another rift emerged around that time. Our energy levels are very different throughout the day. I tend to wake up with a lot of energy and ideas, and I am usually talkative. My wife says that she likes a “slow morning”. It takes her a long time to feel ready to interact with others, but also with my ideas and plans. Our mismatch of energies began to wear on her. She set a boundary that I was not to talk to her during the morning. I felt so rejected by her. I told her this and tried to negotiate and compromise to no avail. I know that I can be a lot for people sometimes, but I take feedback well most of the time, and can be very accommodating, so I was surprised that she was unwilling to compromise. We both worked full time, and she would often fall asleep unplanned in the evenings leaving me alone after the workday, so if we sometimes would not connect for days at a time. She was also inconsistent with her morning boundary and would bring things up in the morning when she felt like it. Sometimes I would start talking to her without thinking, and things would be fine. Other times something totally innocuous to me would set her off. It started to seem to me that she did not like me very much, and I began to feel very lonely in the relationship.

She became pregnant during lockdown, and had two complicated and traumatic miscarriages. There was lingering tension in the relationship, on top of the societal and global tension, and I could have been more supportive and understanding of what she was experiencing. But I was also getting signals to stay away. We had our first child in April of 2022, and it was a beautiful experience at first. I was a stay-at-home dad and worked part time as a mental health therapist doing telehealth appointments in the evening.  My wife became quite accustomed to the work from home lifestyle which, in hindsight, accommodated her ADHD perfectly. But she quickly became resentful of our arrangement. I had always done more of the chores, household shopping, and cooking, but these things became almost solely my responsibility during this time and remain so to this day. When she does help with these things, I often have to finish them, or clean up after her cleaning up.

We became pregnant unexpectedly eight months into being parents. We maintained the relationship, connecting mostly around our son, but the distance continued to grow. She held the morning boundary most of the time, and would blow up at me when I forgot about or ignored it. I had been a heavy drinker, and chose to quit around that time. It was the right move, and I am better for it, but it also took away a primary coping mechanism for dealing with my anxiety, loneliness, and antsy need for connection, and my wife said that I became angrier and more irritable without alcohol. 

Then our second child came 17 months after our first. He was a tough baby, and our first was very energetic and demanded a lot of attention. Our youngest demanded so much from her that she had even less patience for me. Our relationship began to deteriorate further. Connection via the children became more challenging, as disagreements about parenting duties, routines, and schedules, and resentments on both sides stacked up. 

Many relationships experience this when children are introduced, but I was caught off guard. It seemed that she had no interest in me whatsoever, including intimacy, which was always a feature of our relationship before. Now, three years later, we have been intimate only a handful of times, and always at my request. She also became increasingly inpatient and often seemed annoyed by me. The things that she used to love and find interesting about me, like my interests and hobbies outside of the family and my natural enthusiasm for life, were direct assaults on her peace. She would snap at me regularly and reject almost any attempt at connection. When we do connect, it is often at my request, and it feels like another task that she wants to hurry through so she can get back to her coping and projects. When we fight, she tries to win rather than get us on the same page, and she never wants to make up. I have asked repeatedly for a regular check-in and for counseling, but she is in denial. She agrees that a check-in is a good idea, but resists scheduling something, and it is never the right time for her.

She was also diagnosed with severe ADHD around that time. In hindsight it was always there, but the compounding of personal, familial, and global stressors, alongside hormonal changes during pregnancy, led to her symptoms becoming more severe along with her anxiety, depression, perfectionism, and desire for control. She refuses to set an alarm (I have asked many times), often sleeps in, leaving me with the kids in the morning. Her government job also got shittier and shittier. After going back into the office full-time, she became chronically late and was using leave each week. She was able to stretch this out for a couple of years. I recently suggested moving to her hometown for family support with the kids, as we both acknowledge how hard it has been. We just moved, and she has no immediate plans to work. The kids are not in school, and I am terrified about the lack of structure and routine. 

Our kids, now 3 and 4, sleep in, rarely take naps, and go to bed very late as compared to other kids their ages. Eating is often sporadic and treats and screens are used frequently as pacifiers. Baths happen only 2-3 times a week. I would prefer them most nights as part of the bedtime routine. Consequences like withholding treats and screens are moot, because everything seems to run on vibes. On weekends, my wife never seems to consider timing for things like lunch and naps. She is almost never ready for anything until 11:00am or later, so by that time me and the boys (who I have usually been tending to as she copes) are starting to lose focus and behave poorly. Just when I think it is nearly time for lunch and nap, she is ready to go to the park, library, Zoo or whatever. By then I am exhausted and frustrated, and am blamed for being in a poor mood. She often tries to occupy the kids with an activity that she usually sets up, then leaves, leaving me with excited children and a mess that I inevitably clean up (think potions of water and glitter, kinetic sand in the living room, or even a bunch of flash cards or blocks). I cannot teach my kids to clean up after themselves, because they have learned that Daddy cleans up. Any attempt at planning ahead or implementing a routine is viewed as an attack. 

Our kids also have behavior issues. Our oldest has been behaving aggressively, and both kids emulate my wife and I in arguments, either blowing up or storming off, and not seeking resolution. I have told her that we are not teaching them what a healthy and loving adult relationship looks like. I think that she heard me, but she continues to lean on her coping strategies of denial and avoidance. I know that she loves our kids more than anything. She is trying really, really hard, but it doesn’t feel like it most of the time. At present she can only focus on getting through the moment or the day. But it feels like she doesn’t take my concerns seriously and won’t take any of my suggestions.

 She seems happiest when she is working in the yard or getting involved in some other project, which often happens without giving notice. She calls it questing, when she loses track of time, and we use that term well to defuse and redirect sometimes. The quests, however, always seem to come at the expense of things that clearly need to be done, like daily chores, parenting, or connecting with me. I have told her, but I don’t think that she fully realizes how often I feel like I am left holding the bag. I feel unable to plan or meet my own needs due to always needing to be present and on guard. It feels like she is rarely present, and when she is she is often overwhelmed or glued to her phone, which adds to her anxiety. I start my day with plans and a mental outline, and it almost never gets accomplished due to everything happening according to her moods and whims. When I try to share my plans and ideas, I am ignored or snapped at. When she is feeling good and productive, she often bites off more than she can chew, gets frustrated, and neglects other more practical responsibilities.

My wife is also a perfectionist who feels the need to be in control of nearly everything. She often refuses to let me make decisions (even minor purchases for myself) without her approval and will delay important decisions until they are undeniable. Everything feels like hurry up and wait all the time. I can often see clearly when something needs to be done, and I get lashed at for bringing things up. Even when my natural inclination towards planning and organizing could be helpful, it is refused. I think that this is due to resentment, control issues, and her inability to easily prioritize and create mental hierarchies, as well as her sense of self-shame. Anytime I express a need, strong emotion, or difference in opinion, I am met with defensiveness and derision. At best, I feel tolerated, and at worst I feel ignored, shamed, judged, or that I am being perceived as an inconvenience or annoyance. 

For the past few years our relationship has been solely based on coparenting and running a household, and we fight regularly. She now acknowledges that we are having relationship problems, but I have yet to receive any concrete commitment to address them. Every few weeks or months I become so overwhelmed that I lash out at her, which seems like the only way to get her attention. She often makes small efforts to be more present, or more kind with me, but quickly slides back into her usual maladaptive coping self. I told her that I am not happy and something needs to change. She takes her ADHD medication, but refuses to seek behavioral interventions, or to treat her depression and anxiety. I have given many suggestions, both for her and for us, and nothing is acted upon. The response is either to ignore, dismiss, or turn to anger. When she does understand there is a problem it’s always, “when there’s time.” 

Things have been so challenging for so long that I am feeling hopeless. I have sacrificed so much (as has she), and I don’t know if I will have a marriage before long. I worry that when she does finally come around, and has bandwidth for us again, that I will be out of good will. When pressed she says that she loves me and wants to be with me, but her actions say otherwise. Perhaps she does not love me and is in denial. But I know that this is most likely due to untreated mental health symptoms and relational problems that can be addressed if she is willing. Relationships are choices, after all, and they are what we make them. I have been ready to leave for a couple of years now, and have not out of love for my children, compassion for my wife, and fear of being alone. Now I am the breadwinner in a strange town where my only community are my in-laws. She is not working and will be taking care of the kids and home, and I am terrified of our new arrangement.