I have been with my wife for almost 20 years, and we have lived together for nearly the whole time. I love her dearly. She always had a quirky nature about her, which is part of what attracted me to her, as I am also a bit funky. Early in the relationship I would often feel that she was absent-minded about everyday things like chores and shopping, and she did not seem the best at planning, time management, ect. But none of that mattered much to me because we were in love, and I love planning and organizing (a common dynamic in ADHD/non-ADHD relationships, I am learning). We met in our late twenties, and we were both working in restaurants, and living that lifestyle. We went out drinking and dining a lot, took amazing vacations (that I planned for us), and had robust social lives. We chose to go back to school together and get our master’s degrees, and we established decent careers. Pursuing graduate degrees as working adults was difficult for both of us, but we succeeded. My wife is brilliant when she is focused and interested in something. She became a government scientist and worked her way up to a supervisor position.
I don’t know what happened exactly, but during the covid-19 lockdown, she seemed to grow tired of me and began putting up walls. We were playing Scrabble – a favorite pastime of ours – and I was admittedly being a sore loser. She set a firm boundary that she would no longer play boardgames with me, and six years later she still refuses to play. She has always held grudges, and that has caused minor rifts with us in the past as I am quick to forgive, I hate bad blood, and I love making up. Another rift emerged around that time. Our energy levels are very different throughout the day. I tend to wake up with a lot of energy and ideas, and I am usually talkative. My wife says that she likes a “slow morning”. It takes her a long time to feel ready to interact with others, but also with my ideas and plans. Our mismatch of energies began to wear on her. She set a boundary that I was not to talk to her during the morning. I felt so rejected by her. I told her this and tried to negotiate and compromise to no avail. I know that I can be a lot for people sometimes, but I take feedback well most of the time, and can be very accommodating, so I was surprised that she was unwilling to compromise. We both worked full time, and she would often fall asleep unplanned in the evenings leaving me alone after the workday, so if we sometimes would not connect for days at a time. She was also inconsistent with her morning boundary and would bring things up in the morning when she felt like it. Sometimes I would start talking to her without thinking, and things would be fine. Other times something totally innocuous to me would set her off. It started to seem to me that she did not like me very much, and I began to feel very lonely in the relationship.
She became pregnant during lockdown, and had two complicated and traumatic miscarriages. There was lingering tension in the relationship, on top of the societal and global tension, and I could have been more supportive and understanding of what she was experiencing. But I was also getting signals to stay away. We had our first child in April of 2022, and it was a beautiful experience at first. I was a stay-at-home dad and worked part time as a mental health therapist doing telehealth appointments in the evening. My wife became quite accustomed to the work from home lifestyle which, in hindsight, accommodated her ADHD perfectly. But she quickly became resentful of our arrangement. I had always done more of the chores, household shopping, and cooking, but these things became almost solely my responsibility during this time and remain so to this day. When she does help with these things, I often have to finish them, or clean up after her cleaning up.
We became pregnant unexpectedly eight months into being parents. We maintained the relationship, connecting mostly around our son, but the distance continued to grow. She held the morning boundary most of the time, and would blow up at me when I forgot about or ignored it. I had been a heavy drinker, and chose to quit around that time. It was the right move, and I am better for it, but it also took away a primary coping mechanism for dealing with my anxiety, loneliness, and antsy need for connection, and my wife said that I became angrier and more irritable without alcohol.
Then our second child came 17 months after our first. He was a tough baby, and our first was very energetic and demanded a lot of attention. Our youngest demanded so much from her that she had even less patience for me. Our relationship began to deteriorate further. Connection via the children became more challenging, as disagreements about parenting duties, routines, and schedules, and resentments on both sides stacked up.
Many relationships experience this when children are introduced, but I was caught off guard. It seemed that she had no interest in me whatsoever, including intimacy, which was always a feature of our relationship before. Now, three years later, we have been intimate only a handful of times, and always at my request. She also became increasingly inpatient and often seemed annoyed by me. The things that she used to love and find interesting about me, like my interests and hobbies outside of the family and my natural enthusiasm for life, were direct assaults on her peace. She would snap at me regularly and reject almost any attempt at connection. When we do connect, it is often at my request, and it feels like another task that she wants to hurry through so she can get back to her coping and projects. When we fight, she tries to win rather than get us on the same page, and she never wants to make up. I have asked repeatedly for a regular check-in and for counseling, but she is in denial. She agrees that a check-in is a good idea, but resists scheduling something, and it is never the right time for her.
She was also diagnosed with severe ADHD around that time. In hindsight it was always there, but the compounding of personal, familial, and global stressors, alongside hormonal changes during pregnancy, led to her symptoms becoming more severe along with her anxiety, depression, perfectionism, and desire for control. She refuses to set an alarm (I have asked many times), often sleeps in, leaving me with the kids in the morning. Her government job also got shittier and shittier. After going back into the office full-time, she became chronically late and was using leave each week. She was able to stretch this out for a couple of years. I recently suggested moving to her hometown for family support with the kids, as we both acknowledge how hard it has been. We just moved, and she has no immediate plans to work. The kids are not in school, and I am terrified about the lack of structure and routine.
Our kids, now 3 and 4, sleep in, rarely take naps, and go to bed very late as compared to other kids their ages. Eating is often sporadic and treats and screens are used frequently as pacifiers. Baths happen only 2-3 times a week. I would prefer them most nights as part of the bedtime routine. Consequences like withholding treats and screens are moot, because everything seems to run on vibes. On weekends, my wife never seems to consider timing for things like lunch and naps. She is almost never ready for anything until 11:00am or later, so by that time me and the boys (who I have usually been tending to as she copes) are starting to lose focus and behave poorly. Just when I think it is nearly time for lunch and nap, she is ready to go to the park, library, Zoo or whatever. By then I am exhausted and frustrated, and am blamed for being in a poor mood. She often tries to occupy the kids with an activity that she usually sets up, then leaves, leaving me with excited children and a mess that I inevitably clean up (think potions of water and glitter, kinetic sand in the living room, or even a bunch of flash cards or blocks). I cannot teach my kids to clean up after themselves, because they have learned that Daddy cleans up. Any attempt at planning ahead or implementing a routine is viewed as an attack.
Our kids also have behavior issues. Our oldest has been behaving aggressively, and both kids emulate my wife and I in arguments, either blowing up or storming off, and not seeking resolution. I have told her that we are not teaching them what a healthy and loving adult relationship looks like. I think that she heard me, but she continues to lean on her coping strategies of denial and avoidance. I know that she loves our kids more than anything. She is trying really, really hard, but it doesn’t feel like it most of the time. At present she can only focus on getting through the moment or the day. But it feels like she doesn’t take my concerns seriously and won’t take any of my suggestions.
She seems happiest when she is working in the yard or getting involved in some other project, which often happens without giving notice. She calls it questing, when she loses track of time, and we use that term well to defuse and redirect sometimes. The quests, however, always seem to come at the expense of things that clearly need to be done, like daily chores, parenting, or connecting with me. I have told her, but I don’t think that she fully realizes how often I feel like I am left holding the bag. I feel unable to plan or meet my own needs due to always needing to be present and on guard. It feels like she is rarely present, and when she is she is often overwhelmed or glued to her phone, which adds to her anxiety. I start my day with plans and a mental outline, and it almost never gets accomplished due to everything happening according to her moods and whims. When I try to share my plans and ideas, I am ignored or snapped at. When she is feeling good and productive, she often bites off more than she can chew, gets frustrated, and neglects other more practical responsibilities.
My wife is also a perfectionist who feels the need to be in control of nearly everything. She often refuses to let me make decisions (even minor purchases for myself) without her approval and will delay important decisions until they are undeniable. Everything feels like hurry up and wait all the time. I can often see clearly when something needs to be done, and I get lashed at for bringing things up. Even when my natural inclination towards planning and organizing could be helpful, it is refused. I think that this is due to resentment, control issues, and her inability to easily prioritize and create mental hierarchies, as well as her sense of self-shame. Anytime I express a need, strong emotion, or difference in opinion, I am met with defensiveness and derision. At best, I feel tolerated, and at worst I feel ignored, shamed, judged, or that I am being perceived as an inconvenience or annoyance.
For the past few years our relationship has been solely based on coparenting and running a household, and we fight regularly. She now acknowledges that we are having relationship problems, but I have yet to receive any concrete commitment to address them. Every few weeks or months I become so overwhelmed that I lash out at her, which seems like the only way to get her attention. She often makes small efforts to be more present, or more kind with me, but quickly slides back into her usual maladaptive coping self. I told her that I am not happy and something needs to change. She takes her ADHD medication, but refuses to seek behavioral interventions, or to treat her depression and anxiety. I have given many suggestions, both for her and for us, and nothing is acted upon. The response is either to ignore, dismiss, or turn to anger. When she does understand there is a problem it’s always, “when there’s time.”
Things have been so challenging for so long that I am feeling hopeless. I have sacrificed so much (as has she), and I don’t know if I will have a marriage before long. I worry that when she does finally come around, and has bandwidth for us again, that I will be out of good will. When pressed she says that she loves me and wants to be with me, but her actions say otherwise. Perhaps she does not love me and is in denial. But I know that this is most likely due to untreated mental health symptoms and relational problems that can be addressed if she is willing. Relationships are choices, after all, and they are what we make them. I have been ready to leave for a couple of years now, and have not out of love for my children, compassion for my wife, and fear of being alone. Now I am the breadwinner in a strange town where my only community are my in-laws. She is not working and will be taking care of the kids and home, and I am terrified of our new arrangement.
Comments
Feeling hopeless
I don't know what to do without her help
So difficult
Sorry about this, it sounds so difficult.
You wrote that you’ve asked her to get treatment for her co-illnesses and counseling for the challenge of parenting and being a wife with (severe) executive dysfunction, and she refuses. This is disappointing, because it’s very unlikely that she’ll be able to turn this around on her own. And you can’t do much about her difficulties at all.
Of course you want to preserve your family and you have compassion for her. At the same time I’m concerned that you feel terrified at this point. Please listen to your emotions and have compassion for yourself also. Severe ADHD, as I’ve experienced it, is not something that will spare you.
Please take care.
Thank you Swedish Coast. I
Thank you Swedish Coast. I feel so alone in all of this. I appreciate you reading my super long post.
I’m so sorry
This sounds horrendous. What i feel on reading it is how her behaviour is twisting you out of shape; the levels of discomfort neglect and loss you’re living with. And watching the kids’ behaviour mirror hers must be so upsetting. Are the inlaws similar? This kind of thing doesn’t come out of thin air!
I want you to know that these are familiar patterns, both her behaviour and your responses. My experience is that no, and I do mean no, amount of careful gentle communication makes a difference. The only change I got from my ex was on asking for a divorce. Then he was up for therapy, and we tried for a while, but it became clear he wanted exoneration rather than to work.
My experience not withstanding, I’d say you need to go big, make her see you are serious, maybe even raise separation - to get through to her. she needs to see you matter. I’d also say that part of any onging relationship should be aome agreed parenting rules and behaviours; these then ought to become non negotiable, before the kids are any older.. If you are prepared to leave then you anyway then this is a last ditch attempt to avoid that.
Good luck
In-laws and showing her that I am serious
Hi honestly. Yes, some of my in-laws are similar. Part of it is cultural. My wife is an immigrant who came here at a young age, and I have learned through being with her and how she explains things that they keep things close to their chests. The idea being not to burden others with your personal baggage. They are a very loving and supportive family otherwise, and I like them all very much. My sisters-in-law can be quite comforting and empathetic. I believe that my MIL and BIL both had ADHD as well. I remember talking with my wife about how much attention she got from her parents when she was growing up, and she said that her mother wasn't cut our for that sort of thing.
We moved to a small city with a lower cost of living. I work from home and we have a garage apartment where I plan to work. It has also been my backup plan for separation. I think that I am going to ask to furnish it and live there to see how things go. When I am away from her I do pretty well. Of course I have my own baggage, but I honestly feel that our relationship notwithstanding, I am a better person than I have ever been. I can not longer diminish myself for the sake of keeping the marriage in tact. I hope that she comes around once we get settled in. But I am starting to see the separation as necessary. I have been working very hard to prevent blowups and manage my own impulsivity. Last night she could tell that I was frustrated, and her noticing of this caused a small spat where she said something hurtful. I later told her that I was hurt by her comment, and she got extremely defensive, leading to another blowup. I was pretty level, but visibly frustrated. I get no empathy or compassion form her. She does not know how to own her part of our conflicts, so I am always left apologizing, even when she has been abusive. I have been asking to work on us for 2.5 years at least and contemplating separation for at least a year. She has shown no willingness to come to the table. I'm so tired.
"Questing" lol
This made me laugh:"She calls it questing, when she loses track of time...".
Chervil, there's so much to unpack and say tp your entire situation, that I thought I could offer just a few bits of insight. I've experienced so much of this on both sides that I can speak to what I think is BS or not. And I don't mean to make light of something that I've suffered greatly from myself. I'm just at the point of seeing how rediculous this can be.
And I'm still struggling and at times, angry, from what I see has a lot to do with comfort zones, and less to do with actually overwhelm or legitimate reasons for things. I'm still confronting my own sitauation at home with my older sisters who I suspect one, possibly both, to be nurodivergent as well.
You said this: "She always had a quirky nature about her, which is part of what attracted me to her..... Early in the relationship I would often feel that she was absent-minded about everyday things like chores and shopping, and she did not seem the best at planning, time management, ect. But none of that mattered much to me...."
Full stop.
From memory alone, I recall reading something very close to this: " ADHD, use to be considered a childhood disorder, peculiar to little boys. Later, it was determined that little girls also have ADHD, but societal expectations combined with how it presents itself in girls, were causing it to be missed before. Not quite as obvious or causing behavioral issues and/or an inability to function as expected." In my own words.
So yes, like you, these things wouldn't matter be a priority when meeting someone new in terms of what I find attractive or negatives that would cause me to shy away. And thats with those societal expectations and whether it's important or not
However, when the tables are turned and it's a boy or man, these same qualities get singked out as negatives and undesirable under thise same societal norms. This is not a battle I'm willing to fight or expend any energy in what so ever. It is what it is...that's just part of the current culture even if some of it is already archaic and changing as we speak. At this point, my only anger comes from what I see as my sisters ( for one ) and even my X...somewhat sliding or, being able to play both sides of the fence and use that to their advantage. I'm not saying its not human nature to take an easier path, but creating a chronic way of always avoiding anything "hard" is not a ADHD symptom and more of way to not deal with anything diffucult, that requires holding complexity and having to do actual work. These so called "boundaries" seem to be more based on "comfort level" than anything else.
Let me give you one example about me ( AuDhd ) and my current situation to shine a light on what I saying. For now, I live out of my SUV. I sleep in it by choice...I just it more confortable than a tent or any other option I have. And, I'm constantly moving around my sleeping spots, so I stay under the radar wjen I'm in town before going back on the road. I too, am a "slow to move" morning person. I too, have many "preferences" as the way I'd like things to be ( to serve my comfort level and specifications ).
But can you imagine this conversation...at 2:30am...and youre awakened by a flashlight in your eyes and some authority figure wants to talk to you? What are you going say?
"Excuse me but, can you come back at 11am...I'm sleeping right now and that light in in my eyes! I'm a slow mover in the morning and can't even begin to entertain you until 9am minimum".
Let me just say, that is utter nonsense and BS ! Kind of like "questing" instead of "hyperfocusing on the particular thing of interest at the time." Questing is also BS, but it somehow sounds better without coming right out and saying what it really it is. It's a tap dance around the real issue ...because confronting the real issue is uncomfortable and requires work. Nothing I've come up against having AuDhd has prevented me from doing anything, just because it's hard or uncomfortable.
In reality, doing things that are hard or uncomfortable actually widens or expanda my comfort zone to accomidate more things. I suppose, you could say it gives you more bandwidth the more you do it.
So for you, these boundaries seem like hsr playing both sides of the fence. On one side , I'm sure she's overwhelmed and gets dysregulated which is not a confortable feeling. That is a legitamate ADHD experience...that is NOT a comfortable feeling.
On the other side, it's not your job to regulate her or make her "comfortable" in respect to these ADHD phenonomons. Is it easy or a simple thing to do? No, it takes a lot of effort and energy. But again, as it actually has happened just recently to me for a number different reasons. I have to get up in the niddle of the night to tend to things including...talking to people including a cop. The cop was just checking on me ( well fare check ) ...what you think he would have done if I yelled at him for waking me up or became aggressive of hostile because he was violating my personal comfort zone ( come back @ 11am...what's wrong with you !! ).
The thing is, that kind of stuff doesnt work in the real world in public for good reason. I know this...and somehow, I seem to manage just fine when called on to do it. No problems at all in fact. It's just like jumping into cold water ( which I hate more than anything ) to go swimming. If I want to go swimming, then I have to put up with a few minutes of discomfort....it's just the way it is.
Anyway, I'm working on resolving my own anger over this. It's anger or resentment that's associated with the women in my experiebce basically got away with the same symptoms by playing the comfort or "it's too hard" card...as an excuse not to try.
There's definitely a difference between "I can't" or "I just don't want to" in my mind. I call BS on the latter...it's what I'm currently thinking about for the future as well.
One more thing...
Not only is it not your job to regulate ( or co -regulate ) your wife, it's not even possible to do for another person. Why it doesn't work.
OMG thank you! I honestly
OMG thank you! I honestly needed that last part. I will remind myself of this next time she snaps at me for existing. I really appreciate your insight. And yeah, I think you're right about the comfort level thing. A part of me just says she should get over herself. Another part understands what she has been through the last few years (too much to share honestly), and has endless compassion for her. But I have identified it as emotional and verbal abuse. If she loves me, why make me a permanent punching bag? She insults my character, and doesn't stick to criticizing just my behaviors. We had a blowup yesterday morning when I suggested couples counseling and individual treatment around a discussion having to do with changing insurance plans. But it did get her attention, and we had our first productive discussion in awhile last night after the kids went down. So I am feeling more hopeful than when I made the OP.
I am sorry to hear about your situation. You seem like a kind person, and I hope that you land on your feet.
Living Intentionally
Chervil, it may sound like I'm not "on my feet" living without a brick snd morter dwelling...but I have created a lifestyle that is far from "homeless" with some distinct benefits from living a tradotional life and my overall health is reaping the rewards. One of the most profound things I've noticed since embarkimg on this adventure is a boundary I've established that cannot be discounted, in fact, it's the cornerstone of this intenrional lifestyle....
No contempt!! I live in a "contempt free" wprld now. I'm drawing a hard line when it comes to contempt and negativity and it's completely turned me around as far as my mental and physical health. In essense, I refuse to live around, or be around contempt of any kimd! I do not fight, argue, confront or engage anyone who shows the first signs of discontent or contempt for me in any way. As of yet, I haven't had to deal with: contempt, criticizing, belittling, put downs or any form of negativity aimed towards me what so ever and it feels wonderful and freeing!! No unhappy bosses, no unhappy family, no unhappy friends or poeple who aren't happy with the way I do things.....as in zero.
Having the choice, living contempt free is freedom... and I cannot see going back, now I've truly felt what this is like...it's really a no brainer in fact.
Creativity is one of my strengths and I'm using it to my advantage. I've recently discovered Medicare ( where I live ) covers free fitness club memberships at multiple health clubs. I've joined three so far...and they have late and early hours ( 5am - 11pm ) during the week. Where I shop for food is open 24 hrs as well ( a major full service grocery store ) which means the parking for these places is open an availble almost contunioualy 24/7. Sleeping in my vehicle in these areas allows me to just fit in without drawing attention to myself. The few hours that no one is around are peaceful and quiet mostly ...and my tow along trailer looks like a contractor or workman whos there doing a job. I go completely unnoticed most of the time.
I have swimming pools, jacuzzis, saunas and high tech workout machines at my doorstep. I have every food choice avaible to me and freezers and refridgerated food only a few feet away of anything I want at any time.
During the day, I take my new pup to the dog park. A beautiful setting full of happy peopke and their pups enjoying time together with common interestes. I've learned how to give my dog his injections myself, and buy the vaccines and wormers at the local farm and ranch supply eliminately the need for coatly vet bills. My new pup only cares that I'm with him and brings me joy every day.
The local parks here where I am are clean and well maintained. These are my "yards" and are beaurifully maintained for me to use. Kids and families come to play, practice sports of walk the many trails and paths. "My yard" is there any time to take walks and throw the ball or frizbee for my pup....and I have multiple "yards" to choose from all within a few miles of each other.
Between the parks, the dog parks, the health clubs and food stores...and counting in my storage unit ( hub ) where my tools are...I can hit them all without driving more than just a few miles. This saves a huge amount of gas which is very expensive. I can make a tank last over two weeks if I watch the amount of extra trips I make.
In essnse...my "home" is the entire town I live in and it's at my disposal any time I want any time night or day. I'm surrounded by people enjoying themselves or working out and staying fit.
A blessing, that I've always had, is my ability to sleep anywhere, any time...at the drop of a hat. I sleep more soundly and peacefully than I ever had in my life now. No "night terrors" what so ever. I wake up refreshed and feeling ready to go.
For example, I'm slept tonight at one of my health club parking lots which is in a cery quiet residential area near to where I shop for food. As soon a they open at 5am...I have a swimming pool, weight machines and sauna to start my day as I'm only 200 ft from the dront door. Working out early means, leaving my pup in the car is no problem. It's cool outside and he's pwrfectly fine and comfortable sleeping in my SUV. I've turned to the back into a big "dog crate" with a partition to keep him from chewing up things I don't want him to chew! So in essense, I sleep inside his dog crate with him which makes him a very happy pup!
So, within everything I'm saying...I'm taking advantage of everything this small comunity has to offer as well as the preventitive care that medicare provides free of charge. I pay nothing for the parks, the health clubs and even for a vet, to do what I'm cabpable of myself ( injections etc ). I keep my driving to less than 5 miles a day and have this enrire town dialed in. I have way more than I ever had before ( in abundance ) ...at my disposal any time I need. I have multiple bathrooms to use and multiple sources for just about anything I could need or want only minutes away.
But most importantly of all....I live contempt free and am free of anyone who has anything negative to say to me at all times! This "positive energy" lifestyle is pure gold to me. The only people I come in contact wirh are generally happy and enjoying what their doing....the same as me.
In my mind...I call that getting back on my feet as it affords me what I needed most of all....contempt free living!
Living with ( or around ) contempt feels like dying. Living contempt free feels like life and freedom. The peace I feel is priceless and worth ANY compromise I have to make to achieve it.
This all started with creative thinking and thinking outside the box. It's also a strength I have, so I'm making that work for me as well.
When the weather turns colder...I'm headed to Death Valley CA ( this year ) for the coldest months of the year. It still gets to 70° outside during the day and above freezing at night. I haven't been there since I was 10 years old, and I figured, its about time to revisit it again.
Ironically, the name sake, is just the opposite of the reality there waiting.
That is fair, and I apologize
That is fair, and I apologize for the mischaracterization. "Not all who wander are lost". The contempt free lifestyle sounds so appealing. If it weren't for my children, I may have very well gone that route!
Apology Unneccesary
What I'm doing is not the norm, but then again, I'm not the norm either. I'll take it as a compliment instead, that you'd consider my route a viable one for yourself under different conditions.
You never know what's going to happen in the future, having a road map of someone else who's found a way to make it work can only be a good thing when you find yourself with very few options. Personally, I find myself feeling less trapped when I know I have an alternative plan there waiting if needed. The better I become at doing this, the less I worry about being trapped with no where to go. Just having this experience proves to me, that I tolerate more that I ever thought was possible.
At this point, my stress over these minor obstacles are low. Thinking back when I was discarded, and a suggestion from X's sister was: "well, you can always go to a shelter.." makes me laugh out loud right now! Lol