I have just been broken up by an ADHD girlfriend. This girl has an amazing soul and I love her a lot but her disorder has definitely taken its toll on the relationship. I will try to be brief
- for the first years of her life she was subject to very harsh treatment by her parents, unaware of ADHD, especially her father, since it was only diagnosed later
- she grew up with severe learning disabilities which were softened with medication (Concerta) and a lot of support at school
- I met her 5 years ago and she was a lively girl, the life of the party type of person. Not a care in the world, but very deeply rooted low self-esteem which I confirmed throughout my relationship with her throughout time, was caused by very low expectations people placed on her.
For some reason, me, a really organized and focused guy fell for this girl. But, madly in love (ahaha)! From the moment that I decided to give a chance to being with her we had so much fun together, we traveled a lot, we lived abroad and we got so much from life. In the meantime, she somehow flourished academically and professionally, became completely self-confident and even became better looking!
In 2012 we went to London to finish our degree and both of us were kind of disappointed since we do not identify ourselves with London AT ALL! We are beach, outdoorsy people and London simply doesn't cut it. At the same time, I became self-sufficient because of family reasons and had to work part-time through my honor's degree. The combination of the rut of life here in London and general not so exciting circumstances created a potion for failure. I became less available to pick-up after her and cope with all the little quirks typical of people with ADHD. She became less interested because, let's face it, a place you don't like and responsibilities being the core focus of your everyday life is not the typical background where an ADHD will be joyful and maybe no women will be joyful.
2 weeks ago she broke up with me on my birthday when I came to her and asked why she was so aloof. It was horrible but I am focusing on how her disorder is causing this rather than being too dramatic. As I said, she was diagnosed as a kid, however she never takes any medication, except for when she has exams (?), she doesn't do therapy and she never talks about it. All her brothers and sisters have it and therefore everyone just assumes it is a matter of being "distracted" and silly and forget the effects on other aspects in life.
I want to do something about this because she was not even able to articulate reasons to break up. You see, the relationship became less exciting, but while I was aware this was temporary and accepted that we had to live through our responsibilities while we lived in London, for her it was a sign that feelings might have changed. she also went back home for a couple of days before the break-up and she was told that she would have financial support to do a trip around the world after graduation, while my plans were to start full-on working and focusing on my career - I see this as her confirmation of the inutility of our relationship.
My goal with this post is just getting feedback on how to communicate with someone that has blocked up completely - she answers questions without other questions, she says: what can I do? while she has not blocked me out of her life. She is not able to communicate, which is very scary, I feel like I am talking with someone with amnesia or something.
Understand, our relationship was out of this world, all the boxes were ticked. We made great friends on the way and we have genuinely became richer in these years. I know she needs help and awareness for the effects of ADHD in the way she saw everything and I want to make sure I am not egoistical not trying to wake her up and bring her back to her best. Important to say, her family tends to be a bunch of enablers and throw money and excuses to problems HA!
Thank you for helping me understanding this and being a good person by providing whatever she needs to be aware of her condition, work on it and see where life takes her. I already saw a counselor and her childhood friends have also noticed a downward spiral towards being childish and irresponsible in recent months.
one moment she says she can't see me because she still has feelings and that she misses talking to me and the next she's irritable saying just to be over with it. She is blocking me out and being very harsh in her attitude.
How do you deal with people like this, who displays the symptoms, are not aware, you can't really mention it without being annoying and with a family that completely underestimates ADHD and her?
remember?: "I will try to be brief" ... sorry lol