Anger, frustration, confusion and sadness

Hello everyone,

I m new here and I feel so much relief that I found this forum...The words I m reading here pretty much give me answer on everything and make me realize I m not the only one feeling that way.

I don t know why I m writing but I think my heart just wants to cry out.

I have a medical backround and do not put a stamp on him or anyone with any "illness".

I sadlywise with a heavy heart had to end the relationship with loved my partner and fiance. He keeps remaining undiagnosed with severe symptoms which even lead to a workaholism- recently 17 hrs without him taking any break, ignoring 98 percent of what was important as a Team, couple and family, his own health,as well as talking about really important things(getting a kick at his job and his hyperfocus on it) which lead into a quite dangerous state of a burnout. All of that he doesnt wan t to realize and constantly pushed it to the side.

I couldn t talk to him anymore at all the past months or maybe I could at some of the few days we had together but he wouldnt listen or act on the things.

We ve been together for more than 3 years and this was all pretty much a heavy rollercoaster ride for me. He could act quite violent (throwing things around that they break or even the floor would break or throwing a candle 10 cm next to my head on the wall so the wall would have a hole- he took the candle out violently from a nice christmas decor I just had prepared for hours with so much love like everything else -on my own-, recently pushed me from his lap that I fell from the couch on the floor on the first day of our holidays (we haven t been spending a lot of time together  this year at all) because I was crying from another aggressive outbreak during a dinner we just had for really no reason (the food took quite long- and I know the symptoms got worse with low bloodsugar so I gave him my appetizers although I was hungry as well.

I want to mention on that point that I m suffering from chronic pain and fatigue which come with a ton of neurological issues occasionally so I m not having an easy time but I still took care of everything.He was throwing lighters against me, Throwing with a chair when I wanted to take him in the arms to calm him down he pushed me away. Mentioning here I had lost the baby that day and I was just after the operation.

Ant the beginning of the relationship everything was nice and then he suddenly constantly broke up because of the smallest things instead of talking your points out or finding a solution or understanding.

He did scratches in my car and others and didn t care- they are still unrepaired and I m not having the money right now to repair things as my dog fell really ill and there were a lot of bills to pay. He was throwing out an apple on the highway which could have ended in a bad way...

He could also be really nice and hyperfocus on us and we could have extremely nice times as well. Making endless promises which he barely fullfilled maybe 5 percent. Had to break up already before after another period of him getting uncontrollable where he promised me things again otherwise in my state and what I ve been going through I would have never gotten back into this relationship.

He got better at a time where he really started to do a few small changes i have suggested  and we were working on together. he was generally more focused, listening better, not forgetting that many things, we were going running together and he finally stopped coffee (which always made him having a crazy outburst) and we were both following a great diet where I was really taking care of everything with a lot of love.

Besides all the extreme outbursts I always loved and respected him and all of his stuff. I packed for holidays, precooked, doing the housetasks on my own taking care of most of the letters, cutting his hair, and everything else u can possibly imagine. Went myself to a therapist and tons of other stuff u can possibly imagine...

I begged for 1,5 years!!! as he has severe issues with his vision and didnt get glasses to please do so and get a blood test done as he has as well severe hypotonia and a ton of other symptoms hist body crying out for help.. he doesn t take care about himself and that is so sad for me to see... And he didnt see my or the dog who s sick anymore.

Now after the breakup. It seems like he doesn t care. the dog got worse- well she feels that as well and I begged not to take that out on her back that means to occasionally see her or going for a walk. I don t hear any suggestions. He s NOT taking any responsabilities. Now I m the one who has to run around and taking care of everything. I have no idea how the guy in the drycleaning will look at me to get the stuff back without the number...hehe 

Ah, and I just found out that I am in some kind of contract since 2019 which I didnt know about and which is not funny for me. he was constantly blaming me for hist mistakes or outbursts. Tons of lies...


So I am sitting here in a complete despair and thousands of questions.