Attention: The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves

I think this statement qualifies as flawed thinking.  I've discovered some of my own since I stumbled on this forum which I'm seeing as one more step forward in attempting to find the things about myself that are affected by my ADHD and the parts that are not.  So far.......the ones that are appear to be on par with the ones that are but..... I did come to a few new realizations in both areas of my personality and behavior which I attribute directly from the content I've read here. ( writing comments has also really been useful to hear myself since I am able to go back and read what I said afterwards ).  I also I think this sight is a great source for information and support that I'm thankful to have found.

Anyway.....I wanted to share a couple of discoveries that I have made here and once again,  when I thought I new everything there was to know about my ADHD.....I find something new that I hadn't seen before. ( ouch )   Actually it's just more insight but that means I have more work to do.  Sometimes it feels like trying to sweep the ocean back into the sea with a broom. lol

There are so many speculations made about the ADHD spouses by their partner's, I thought it would be fair to include a few of my own into the mix seeing how I have ADHD....and all.  I chose to include this in the anger and frustration section here on the forum since in my the source for both in my relationships in the past up to this day.  From my side.....I could have easily put this under progress and growth but my experience with all of this tells me that it is just another step in a life long process and in an effort to stay vigilant....I don't want to consider this as a victory quite yet.  I also want to help give the non-ADHD spouses another perspective by someone who has it in their own words instead of trying to apply the usual general information and descriptions that everyone can get from books or data on the web.

Here goes........

To picture what it is like to have the (hyperactive type) ADHD....picture a fusion reactor that lives inside you.  A thoroubred race horse is another good description.  It has the potential to do amazing things once you learn how to harness its power and direct it to serve you in anything you do in your life.  But there is a problem......this energy goes online the second you wake up every day and there is no stopping this process or the ability to shut it off....and it only has one speed.....full throttle!  All you have control of is where and how to direct it and if you don' have a wild race horse in a tiny corral, and all it wants to do is get out and run.  If it can do this, it is happy and free to do the thing it was meant to do and that as fast and as hard as possible all the time.

Another metaphor for the problem with this would be.....trying to take a Top Fuel Dragster and run it on the street in city traffic.  By design it was built to do one thing and one thing only........go as fast as possible in one direction going in a straight line for short intervals of time....... and it does this better than any other motor vehicle on the planet without comparison.  However... it is also the worst choice of any other motor vehicle you could pick if you need to drive in stop and go traffic, navigate curves or travel long distances continuously. 

Going back the race horse's a "one trick pony."

This is what it feels like for me every day of my life........ and put me on a race track with lots of unfettered open space in front of me and there is no stopping what I can do as long as I take short intervals of time to rest and recover in between races.  I can do this all day every day as long as I find a race track to run on and have the ability to segment my day up into time segments to run with systematic rest periods in between.

If I don't get this opportunity for any number of reasons out of circumstance or imposed on me by other people....that is where all of the problems associated with being this way start to manifest themselves including....the anger and frustration on both side.  Frustration on my side if I'm not let out of my corral to run......anger on the other side when they don't want a race horse and need a quiet trail horse to slowly and consistently move down a predetermined trail of their choosing.  It's pretty easy to to see if you apply this metaphor to ADHD.

In reality....the race horse analogy is an illusion.  I don't think of myself as a race horse and I only used it here to illustrate a point and that being......this phenomena that is being labeled as ADHD in some of an inherent drive to do something and without the awareness of can manifest itself in a variety of ways many of which......are unbeknownst to the person who has it.  That's the illusion to us.....simply not being able to recognize the influence that it potentially has on our behavior.

So what is not illusion or not ADHD?

Thinking.........  ADHD does not cause thinking.  The processing of information may be different and the inability to recognize it's influence on our behavior that might result in unconscious actions and behaviors only because we don't have the awareness to control it, yes......but

.It does not cause thinking.......... or beliefs in thinking, or distortions in thinking, or extreme convictions.........delusions, hallucinations, stupidity, socially unacceptable behavior or criminal thinking.  I firmly believe that these all come from somewhere else and are learned not inherited.  Even taking into consideration that these things I mentioned could be attributed to some other disorder or inherent chemical imbalance in the brain......I don't believe that ADHD causes them.  I'm speaking purely anecdotally based on myself.

What things are ADHD then besides having a fusion reactor burning inside? 

I process information in entirety all at once.  I see the forest first....then the trees.  I learn and problem solve starting from the solution and working backwards to find the path to get there and then work forward back to the problem.  I have to have context to do this.  I have to see all the parts laid out in front of me and then assemble them together like doing a jigsaw puzzle.  I see patterns and relationship between patterns well because of this.

When I communicate I usually start by talking about the forest and then the trees.  I see that most other people talk about the trees first and then the forest.  This is where communication can get confusing however......I can see the trees too.  I find that in communications with others sometimes they can see the trees but not the forest....this makes communication very difficult at times especially when you have to explain to people what the forest looks like when they can't see it and can only see trees.  The devil is in the details is all I have to say to that.

These things are inherent ways that I process information that have nothing to do with thinking in itself is the path to how I get to thinking which I've learned arrives at a completely different understanding at times compared to others who don't process in this way.  That much I know is true.

And to the degree that I was not aware of my ADHD and theerfore....not having control of thinking was very much influenced by it followed by behaviors and actions.  Once I was aware of it and I gained some control of thinking changed and so did my that order.  The fact that my thinking changed in this scenario seems to indicate what I am saying is accurate.

When it comes to being in a relationship with other people....not being aware of my ADHD caused my thinking to be hijacked by the unawareness itself actions and behavior followed hijacking them along with it.

But the source and the reasons behind all of this is the fusion reactor inside me that only has one speed......full throttle.  Once you have awareness of it you can learn to put it to good use by controlling how to use it instead of it controlling you.  That's why ADHD is not a life sentence with no hope of change.

The distraction comes when the reactor is burning away and wanting to get plugged into something where it can flow freely. At times when this brain is constantly looking for something to plug into so that I can get "into flow".  When I do this.....look out.  I'm unbeatable at nearly anything I set my mind to.....within the realms or limitations of my other inherent abilities of course.  Each person is different in regards to that.

The other problems that I see within myself as far as behavioral issues and flawed thinking outside of my ability to control the fusion reactor come from delusion.

The definition of delusion is:  A strong conviction contrary to invalidating evidence of fact.  That's where thinking comes in. 

Here's an example of what I am talking about that I experienced when I got married to y first wife when I was in my twenties.  I hardly can call this a marriage because of it's dysfunction and length of time but, by all definitions I was married.

The planning for our wedding day should have told me that something was not right from the very beginning but.....hindsight is 20/20.

Between my future bride, my mother, my sisters, her sisters and her mother......the entire process leading up to and including my wedding day was like being transported into some fucked up reality cartoon  that had absolutely nothing to do with me or for that matter, Us together as a couple.  They could have made a life size cardboard photograph of me in a tux and placed it up at the alter in the church, and I could have gone down to the local bar and had a drink and told them to call me when the ceremony was over to meet them later for the reception and no one would have known the difference.

The fantasy story that each woman carried in their own head alone ......and then trying to combine these stories into one cohesive story was the most amazingly impossible and ridiculous thing I had ever witnessed based on their own idea of what the ideal wedding should look like.......and, I had literally had no input or opinion one way or another.  The process took on a life of it's own and became a runaway freight train hijacked by the delusions of every woman involved....none of which, was base on any semblance of reality.

to be continued.........