I am building communication skills with DH,Tonight our discussion was based on his past hurt from childhood thru adulthood,and so far it's all been a huge resentful,hurtful past on his behalf,from cheating mother versus step father slash step brother/step sister,his life have been really tough,bad,hurtful and painful, through the books I have been reading and the forums and blogs here my education level on ADHD as been going good, and well understood,but,I am still learning.
It has been so much pain for him and as far as I see ,,plenty of it have a lot to do with the child abuse he faced from his mother,she was not as the loving,safe at home provider mom we are all accustom to,,, he claims her to be very "strict/militant" in his upbringing, and the stories he told me I felt to literally"VOMIT" my stomach hurts and my eyes was full with tears.I felt pure sorrowful and hurt for him.Well the topic went on and on and I realized that he needs a lot of counseling/therapy for his past resentment/anger and "NOW" I am beginning to realize that not only his ADHD is affecting us presently, but the "BAGGAGE" from his past hurt/relationships he is bringing in to our marriage.
Tonight he has made me to understand how the life in which he lived was based upon his mothers wishes,she never wanted him here at our state, so she made him reside at a different state,to protect her cheating identity,the child was born out of cheating/ wedlock,"my DH" is the victim,how wicked and cruel she was and caused my DH pain and suffering so bad that he could not even control his bad temperament"today in the present or in the past",based on the horrible child abuse,she would beat him with a hose in the yard, also the step father,the siblings never was beaten so badly from what he told me, she would put soap his eyes in the bath tub so he would go to bed,He have ADHD on the "hyperactivity side" so of course he could not stay still,he was always on the go go, and many more things which I am not prepare to write about "to hurtful",and when he reached the age of 17 she ran him out the country to go and survive his school /tuition on his own with no family around,little money to survive and begging a lodging everywhere, and now I am beginning to realize this man is a very hurt man no wonder his ADHD is full of so much anger and resentment and his trust maybe in me is "this bad" that he can't even trust his own wife,and the insecurities are so intense that he always accuses me of "stupid" childish things.
He never endured a mothers warmth and loving care and that's maybe why he so craves it from me "all the time".I am always at his attention when he needs me, and if I slip up and for some reason full with my own motherly duties from my own kids,so I can't be his mother b/c clearly I am not and don't wish to be, then pressure for me no doubt,he craves some kind of special attention from me.I love him and I have no reason to love him any less other than his ADHD affecting our marriage and daily living ,and now the ADHD is not the only underlying problem,he has to be treated for depressions,anger and ADHD.There is many things that is wrong with him from childhood thru adulthood and than having ADHD on top of all that is not good, not good at all,I feel more sorry than love for him right now.
I would do what I could to help him, but,I have to save myself from this first,I don't want to get affected by all of this in the long haul,I have to be careful not to let my kids be affected by all of this in the process,and this hurts me to say this,but, I can't live with him until he has overcome this past "baggage"/hurt/resentment/anger/depressions that he has intensely endured.He has to get help soon!very soon!
lovehurts.
