I am a woman who has been in a 3 year relationship with someone who is essentially unavailable to devote time to building our relationship because he has so many problems and his life is chaos. We love each other, he is an incredibly attractive, sweet and big-hearted guy. I looked into ADHD because as I described him to my therapist, she suggested that he may have ADD/ADHD. He fits the bill according to my research.
He goes to therapy (talk therapist and medication psychiatrist) and neither one has ever suggested that he may have ADD. I visited his talk therapist a few weeks ago and told him my side of things and what I thought. It was wonderful but he felt very beat up and embarrassed in front of his therapist. He has a referall for an ADHD evaluation but hasn't done it yet.
This is what I *wish* he'd tell them at the evaluation.....(his story as I see it)
"I live in utter chaos. I am unable to clean my living space. I lose things. I forget things. I am completely unorganized. I have 5000 emails (no exaggeration) in my inbox because I don't know what to delete versus what to save. I love my girlfriend but have no idea how to be a partner. My girlfriend is constantly complaining about having to "wait for me" and wants me to have an ADHD evaluation. I'll look into it but I have ten other crisis's on my list that I have to address first.
Even though I am a grown man I live with my parents. My girlfriend accepts this even though she doesn't like it. Before I met her I lived in many different states (I have a military job) so it's not like I've never lived on my own or "can't do it". Initially it was because I gave up drinking and needed support. I was living alone but thought it would be best for me to not be alone during my recovery. It turned out to be a good decision and I've done very well. I've not drank in 4 years and am going strong. I also used to chew tobacco but I gave that up too. Once I was feeling better (in my alcohol recovery) my two dogs got sick due to old age. For the last two years I have been hyper-focused on my dogs over all else - even my girlfriend. They were my top priority over everything. I think my girlfriend is jealous of the attention I gave them. She resents it because she always made me her top priority but I couldn't make her mine. The dogs needed a lot of help and living with my parents was a huge benefit because my mom helped me with the constant care that my dogs needed. Without my mother's help I'd have had NO life because I could never leave my dogs alone. Now both dogs passed on an I am still depressed about it because the entire focus of my life was on them. My girlfriend thought that once the dogs passed that I'd be available, but that's not been the case.
Now I'm unavailable because of my job. That's my latest crisis. I am so overwhelmed by my potentially losing my 15 year career because of a lingering health issue that my employer (military) believes makes me incapable of work. After a medical evaluation they offered me a severance package that I don't want. I want to work and I am capable. They are wrong. I've gotten a lawyer and am fighting it but I am still sad that they would want to get rid of me. This is what I focus on and worry about all the time now. I love my girlfriend and she's been there for me through everything but I am so spent and I'm just trying to stay afloat that I have nothing left to give her. She says she stays with me because she loves me and believes it will be worth it some day but she's losing hope. She thinks I don't care about her. I do get mad at her when I haven't seen her all week, I'm stressed to the max, and then she brings up the ADD thing again. She thinks that if I address my ADHD issues that a lot of my other issues may resolve themselves in time.
So for now I still live with my parents, I have no idea if I'll have a job in a few months, I'm depressed about my dogs - I can't get over the loss and I love my girlfriend but can't give her what she wants. How can I move out of my parent's house if I don't even know where I'll be working or if I'll have a job? How can I promise her a future if I can't even keep my head above water? How can I say I'll go on vacation with her when I still don't know the outcome of my medical issues with work? Can't she just be more patient? She tells me she wants to "move forward" and that we're not growing. She feels stuck. She loves me and wants to be with me but I can't get out of my own way. Will getting help for ADHD make things better for me and us?"
Please help me....any thoughts are greatly appreciated. I love this man. I am willing to work on things. I am frustrated beyond words.