I joined last night and have been reading soooo many posts and blogs. I see clear areas where I can improve in relating to my husband, like validating him and staying calm and being understanding. The problem I'm having is that I have so much residual anger and impatience and frustration with his behavior that I am finding it an uphill battle to reign in the irritated speech and overall disgust that I feel is spilling out from the moment he walks into the room.
I am 8 months pregnant and this week in particular Im feeling a difference in how I relate to him. I get pissed! Really fast! I had about 5 or 6 opportunities to put the "validation" concept into practice and I've missed each and every one of them and I feel crappy about it because immediately afterwards I realize about 10 different ways I could have handled or responded better. for example he has a habit of lying, over tiny things as well as the big stuff, this has been going on since the beginning and I have huge trust issues because of that. Well I am pretty sure he lied about something recently and I let him know that I thought he was lying, but that I am coming to terms with the fact that it's just who he is and I can't change that. So today he decides to tell a whole story that is meant to defend and prove he's telling the truth. And I don't really care to hear it because I've already decided that I won't stress it, while I technically could investigate I have decided to leave it be. Well he is saying that now that he's told me his story I need to apologize for accusing him of lying. I refuse to do that, and my anger meter jacked up immediately at him thinking just because he told a story that I didn't challenge that 1. I believe him, and 2. even if he told the truth, that all the other lies (just 4 days ago was the last) are swept under the rug and have no impact on my lack of trust. And I told him as much. He made this bed of distrust and if lying in it means I question things he tells me then so be it. And I don't feel I should apologize for that.
I probably should have validated his feelings, but my frustration is that I too have ADD and on top of this I'm dealing with hormones... and yet I am not striking out at everyone (without just cause) I'm not forgetting conversations and promises made, I don't treat my daughter inappropriately and use my condition as a crutch. I feel like I have just as much going on but he's the one who gets to emotionally act like a child. He wants more communication, but promptly forgets what is expressed. He reargues past arguments that have been dealt with. He drinks to "make himself feel better". which is a cop-out to me but he claims to now have given it up (he's said this before and it hasn't been true) He sees the destructive behavior his drinking or overall lack of self control causes and afterwards is very contrite and apologetic, but then when it's convenient he falls right back into the pattern. He wants me to tell him every little thing and almost seems to ask permission to do things, from buying some little trinket at the store to going to the bathroom or whatever, but aside from my constant comment of "Im not your mom, do you" I still feel irritation that he can't make a common sense decision on his own. Like listen you JUST saw what we have in the bank account, you JUST had the bills conversation, WHHHYYY are you asking me if you can buy this or that? and when I want to hand a bit of manhood back to you and let you make your own decision WHY are you about to do something that is going to have us even more financially strapped?
I don't like to nag. Seriously I'd much rather be left alone with my thoughts but he proves with every release of control to him that he can't handle it! I have a problem accepting that he is incapable of using common sense or making adult decisions. To keep the machine running I go ahead and handle things like banking or whatever else I can but then he feels his manhood is challenged and all of a sudden he lashes out at me for handling things and maybe not sharing every thought or moment with him. He blows it up to "We NEVER talk" which is a gross exaggeration and pisses me off so bad because we do talk, he just doesn't remember and I don't like repeating myself. As a matter of fact if it's something that he can research or find out for himself I refuse to repeat it. If he really wants to know he's going to have to figure it out, and maybe he'll retain it better. But still there is this parent/child dynamic in our relationship that I hugely resent and I read somewhere on here that it can affect sex, and it really has. I am at the point now that I am disgusted with everything about him from the moment he walks in the door and I worry that this overreaction is due to heightened hormones but that there is a real problem here that after the baby I will have to deal with. To be fair, he is the only one working, he's a hard worker that gets up in the wee hours of the morning and does what needs to be done, even starting his own carpet cleaning biz and sometimes leaving work and going straight to a carpet job. I notice this and want to commend him on his hard work but before I get to doing that he kills it by whining and complaining and that turns me off so badly. I usually respond with some negative response. "man up" "stop complaining" something like that. but let me clarify, it's the constant repetition of the complaint that gets under my skin, not the initial expression.
When he goes off the deep end with his rages, I perceive the underlying truths of how he really feels mixed in with the ridiculous things he says and while I read we should validate each other, I get so angry because so much of what upsets him is due to him not remembering past conversations where we dealt with whatever problem. or He'll say stupid stuff that is only said while he rages but in a calmer conversation he asserts that it's not how he feels at all. like he tells me to get my butt up and go to work and he isn't going back and oh I don't know just a lot of contradictory statements, then later I hear no, I don't want you to work and just in general a complete reversal of everything he raged about. He'll complain because I didn't cook him dinner but I heated up some hot dogs for my daughter, not caring that I struggled to do that little task, he'll exaggerate and say I never clean and never cook and he eats left overs all the time. He gets pissed because I laugh a little ( how are you eating leftovers if I haven't cooked?!) Then later when he's calmer and we're talking, he's acknowledging the fact that this has been a rough pregnancy and I can't move around like I would like sometimes. Then a day or two later, he's raging about the same thing. This is coming from his heart I feel, thats why it keeps coming up no matter how much we talk afterwards. I feel emotionally abused with these rollercoaster of emotions and now, I get pretty acidic and a little unforgiving. I am normally a very forgiving and chill out person, so I don't know if its the pregnancy affecting me or the constant association with a personality that I would normally have nothing to deal with. I did not see this side of him before I married him. If I had I wouldn't have done it.
I could be nicer, but he pisses me off to the point that being nice right now means silence. If I am forced to speak to him all my anger pours out. I hate this about myself and really want to relate differently, but for so long I have just chalked the situation up to "I've married an idiot." Im sure the mental capacity is there but his daily habits are so repetitive dumb and thoughtless.
I'm feeling so incapable of coping with this.