I am 24 years old and have been with the one I love for almost 2 years now. He was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, and I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder that put me in a wheelchair as a child. When he and I met things moved fast between us since we were like 2 peas in a pod. We befriended each other quickly and within a month were dating and living together. The first 6 months were fantastic!! As i've read on here, he was in the hyperattention phase with me, also know as the "honeymoon phase" for relationships that dont involve ADHD. We seemed perfect for each other - what I couldnt do physically, he did, and what he couldnt do mentally, I did. After the first 6 months, things almost overnight when downhill. He lost his interest with me and our life, attention-wise. It then became me doing EVERYTHING - cooking, cleaning, keeping track of mine AND his appointments, keeping track of bills, taking care of the animals, reminding him to not forget about his friends and family, reminding him to not forget to take care of himself, reminding him that he is part of the relationship as well - I have become the scheduler, reminder and doer (because the scheduling and reminding gets me nowhere). This cause A LOT of turmoil in my brain. I couldn't, and sometimes still cant, grasp my head around that fact that this perfectly able-bodied 27 year old man remembered, communicated, and did for himself just fine for the first 6 months, but then all of a sudden *BAM* he's not able to anymore. It almost seems as if his ADHD is selective. In the beginning it seemed like the usual "honeymoon phase" where the other person does all they can to reel you in, even hiding things about themselves to make them look better - and then *WAKE UP CALL* they slap you with who they actually are, not who they originally wanted you to see. Now, it seems as if as long as the matter at hand is something he's interested in - there is no ADHD involvement... but the second that the matter at hand involves myself or our life or something thats not so happy-go-lucky - there's his ADHD, full force.
I love this man whole-heartedly and would love to marry him and start a family. But I'm left with so much stress, so much uncertainty, so much confusion - that I doubt if its a good idea. How can i think about having a family with someone that cant focus enough to tell me the things that are important in a family unit - religious beliefs, methods to raising children, hopes, dreams, views/opinions - I never get ANYTHING deep from him. As an example, he is atheist and I am pagan and I always wonder how we would celebrate holidays with our children and how we would raise them religiously, but I cant get him to focus or respond to any of it. If it doesnt have to do with wrestling, the computer, the TV or something funny - he has no interest.
I am at my wit's end. I even have an 8 year old brother with autism and ADHD, and he is BY FAR easier to communicate with and deal with then my boyfriend who just has ADHD. Why is that? Why can i get through to a child, but not an adult? And why is it that I can treat a child as an adult but I have to treat an adult as a child? My boyfriend, unfortunetly, grew up with all of his friends and family doing and thinking everything for him because it was just easier for them to do it then to try to help him to do it himself. Now I am left with the reprocussions from that. I'm sorry but I refuse to believe that someone with ADHD cannot get better and cannot help themselves. If I, someone who's been told by every doctor that they will never walk, can train my body to get up and go to physical therapy and get stronger and start walking - then someone who has ADHD can train their brain to remember and think and understand. Its just people with ADHD have always been told that they CANT, they what they have wrong with them is what it is and theres nothing but medications that can be done about it. And all the help out there seems to be for the people who DO NOT have ADHD and what WE can do to help THEM with THEIR problem, what WE can do to make THEIR life more easier, what WE can do as far as rememebering and doing everything for them. Where is the information for the person who ACTUALLY has ADHD? Where are the resources who the person with ADHD to HELP THEMSELVES instead of everyone else doing everything for them... thats not how a person gets better by any means - mentally or physically. Someone please tell me - who? what? where? when? why? HOW THE HECK DO I DO THIS?!?