I truly Ibelieve there was not anything my spouse - ADH9er - could do while I struggled and learned and healed myself - through counseling - for eating disorders and the unhealthy characteristics of being the adult child of an alcoholic. It was a difficult awful road of searching for answers. For quite a while, the scales were tipped to my side.
What I am hoping to realize in supporting you in your efforts is, based on information that was gleaned from our original ADHD & Marriage sessions in 2012:
". . . . .he has his ADHD under control enough that he is reliable in the relationship - i.e.
that he is more than 90% on time
able to complete what he says
able to remember what he should be doing
able to communicate with you when he isn't going to do something before it becomes a crisis
has the anger in check, etc etc
until then he, should be focused on HIM, and not on you (Liz).
You were also encouraged with these words: ". . . . he should IGNORE your (Liz's) opinions and negative stance and go about the business of getting his ADHD under control. If he did that, you (Liz) would likely follow."
There is no blame here. There is no assigning of fault. The reality I feel is that - at this time - those scales are tipped to your side. I truly support your efforts.