Everyone sees it but him.

This is the first time I have ever posted to a forum.  But after 13 years of marriage, three children, two of which have been diagnosed with ADHD, I am at a loss.  My husband was so loving when we dated.  He seemed to think only of me and of our future together.  But after we got married, we had problems.  Normal things that every couple deals with.  He was used to having a perfectly clean house, dinner on the table every night, etc.  But I came from the opposite kind of home.  I was constantly picking up after him (I thought this was normal although frustrating) and making excuses for him when he would forget an appointment, or was constantly late.    I started setting our clock back 30 minutes so he would be on time!  Many people comment on how high strung or energetic he is.  Fortunately he is in a line of work that he loves and thus can concentrate on for more than five minutes.  Thus, at least for the first few years of marriage, he had a steady job.  As time went on, we had our son who was a very hyper/impulsive child and was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 4.  He didn't believe that the diagnosis was correct until I started taking him to our sons doctor.  Who, after having been interupted 20 times and watching my husband squirm in his seat, exclaimed, "You know, ADHD runs in the family.  Have you ever been diagnosed?"  My husband was appalled!  He thought at first he was joking.  I told him it was quite possible.  He told me no way!  So we moved on and eventually he accepted the diagnosis.  However, my husband still has an incredibly hard time understanding that the things our son does are not on "purpose" or out of laziness.  And whenever I have tried to explain the argument comes back around to the way he behaves and how similar they are.  He gets angry that I am comparing the two and insists that he has NO idea what I am talking about. 

I have read so many posts from wives that are struggling to cope with life with an ADHD husband.  I myself can live with the messiness, the always being late, the 300 projects sitting around the house and in my yard that are half finished, even the hyperactivity and impulsivness.  But what I have a really hard time coping with is when it seems like he doesn't care about how I feel or think.  Even our children suffer because it seems to be his way or the highway.  I know from learning how my son behaves and why, that it is something that he cannot help.  But, I have Lupus, and three children, two with special needs.  I am in real need of a husband that help me and be reliable.  I totally relate to the women who say they feel like they have another child.  I am always exhausted and not always able to think clearly when he starts blaming me for things not being done the way he "needs" them to be.  Or for the mess not being cleaned up that HE made.  I love my husband dearly and would NEVER leave him!  But it is SO exhausting to never feel understood or even heard.  To have arguments that make NO sense.  I cry and he has no idea what is going on.  He just ignores it because I think it is easier than trying to understand why.  I have tried broaching the subject of adult ADHD with him and he just gets mad.  I don't know what to do, short of lying to get him to the doctor.  And even then, he probably wouldn't believe the doctor.  I am open to any suggestions from women who have dealt sucessfully with husbands who have ADHD, whether they are undergoing treatment or not.  Things have just got to get better or I am in fear of having a nervous breakdown!