My ADD husband quit his job nearly a year ago. He seems overwhelmed and unable to make decisions about what to do next. Although I have a good job, it isn't enough to cover the bills and feed us, so we've had to cash in some retirement to pay off bills, and I am at the point of taking away any way that he can spend money - checkbooks, credit cards, everything once I pay off the next round. I find myself feeling like I have another kid in the house and I know that isn't good for either one of us.
At Christmas, I had a budget and asked him to come with me to do the shopping for our kids. I reminded him we had very little money and that this was the time to go, since I had all the cooking to do the next day - and that if he chose not to go today, he wouldn't have another chance. He said he understood, but he woke up early and went shopping. When I expressed concern (and fear - honestly, I had less than $10 and a week until my next pay day and every single meal planned between now and then and every mile on the car planned to make it), he swore at me. All I felt was ....done.
I told him later, relatively calmly, that we needed to have a talk, that we can't live like this anymore. Of course, that brought his defenses to the fore, which then triggered my defenses (I pray and plan and even then, even knowing these are my buttons, I react without wanting to).
Honestly, being on the verge of financial disaster isn't as bad as the feeling that he is just sitting around, doing a few chores when he feels like it, but mostly just sitting - then criticizing nonstop when we're home - while I work a demanding, tiring, and stressful job and then come home to dishes, dinner, and homework (and the litany of why I am wrong, why the world is wrong, why he can't work anymore, because the system is evil). I just don't know how to communicate the fear, frustration, and deep loneliness I am feeling without pushing all of our buttons.
I love my husband. I am absolutely committed to staying in the marriage, but I don't know what to do next. He won't consider medication (he was just diagnosed last year) or therapy, won't look for a job, can't think of anything to do that would bring in money. He is a highly educated, smart man. I have a feeling doing nothing productive can't be good for him. I decided that I would just have to do all the "grown-up" stuff (work, bills, worry, planning) awhile ago, and he seemed very comfortable with that, but now it occurs to me that I am not doing him any good, and I am feeling really resentful and sad some of the time.