My husband and I have been together for almost 10 yers, married for 8, and have a 3.5 year old son (who i am convinced has ADHD-H like his uncle)
So, i have ADHD. I didn't get diagnosed until last year (I'll be 38 this year) and it was a huge relief. I'm sure its been stated before that when you've felt like a loser POS F-up (internally and unbeknownst to anyone) for the majority of your life, finding out your brain is legitimately broken (something I've been telling people as an excuse for the last 10 years as i got tired of saying "sorry im such a mess" all the time) is quite a relief. So i did the standard hyperfocus thing and learned alot through podcasts when i was driving without anyone else in the car, sending my husband ones that meant a lot to me and i hoped kight explain why i was such a mess to him. And he would never listen to them (he would admit he forgot or didnt have time which to me is a fib and a half since we had the same commute home and i usually had our son in the car.) And so this was the pattern. I would lesrn something that made perfect sense as to why i was failing at something and ways i could try to correct it and how my spouses support would help bolster my resolve and he wouldnt listen to it. Well, i stopped sending the podcasts because i got tired of asking and hearing the same things.
While i was learning about all this awful yet fascinating stuff about myself, i started recognizing symptoms/habits that matched things that my husband does that drive me BATSH!T. Like, i cant do chores to save my life, and i literally forget that anything else exists except what i am currently focusing on pretty frequently. Medicine has helped, but I'm still riding that adjustment Rollercoaster due to doctoe changes... anyway.... back on the track.... my husband has no impulse control when it comes to buying things he wants (i have some but should not be unchaparoned for long periods of time in a store. I know this and thus diligently get the things on my list without looking around the store and gtfo) he also has no ability to plan or make decisions he feels are not important (whats for dinner i ask, food he says. I die inside a little every time he says that.)
I know he feels like the "non-adhd spouse" because he is a clean freak and cant stand mess or things being untidy. So instead of asking me to help clean the kitchen that i forgot existed, he gets mad and angry cleans by himself and then tells me i live like a pig. And i get mad and frustrated that even though i told him and used my words that his uncalculated/unplanned/unbudgetted purchases make me extremely anxious he just does it anyway and i get loud and angry and ask him wtf he was thinking.... we both say or produce mean things/vibes and i get that.
i don't know how to tell him i feel like he has ADHD.
I dont know how (or which) to prioritize; being the ADHD spouse or the Non-Adhd spouse.
Im working my way through Rebuilding your relationship in 6 steps but every situation i am both sides of the coin. And i dont know what to do and it saddens me.