This is my first post here.
My wife was diagnosed with ADHD less than a year ago. At first I wasn't too convinced. Over the years it has been different things, depression, PTSD, BPD, etc... When we married 10 years ago I only knew a little bit about this. She briefly described some of her previous problems, but I was lost in the daze of love and didn't dive deeper. After reading the ADHD Effect, and other books on ADHD, I am sure this is it.
To give the whole back story would take pages. Lets just say there has been problems with me and with her. We are far from perfect. We have two kids, 5 and 7, and live in a nice house. You would think that everything looks great. However, I am always stressed out of my mind about bills, lack of her attention/desire, and my wife's inability to communicate with me about important things.
I'm in the military and currently deployed. This isn't the first, its the sixth. Every time I deploy we have the same arguments. I feel that she doesn't communicate enough and she says she is too busy. I know it is very hard to take care of kids on your own, even more so with ADHD. We've hired au pairs, her parents moved closer, we have baby sitters, she is always too busy. She always finds work, in the beginning it was volunteer work and now its her job. She commits everything to it as long as it is interesting to her. I email, send a chat, or call when I can ... almost everyday. I've waited almost a week for her to respond. I wonder if I am too needy, if I am asking too much, or if I have unrealistic expectations. I don't know. I don't want to base my relationship off the guys around me, but it seems like their wives are doing a lot more in this department. I feel lonely and unloved. I send flowers, I get a brief message back. I send romantic emails and she doesn't read them for days. My last deployment I send a love letter once a week. She didn't open half of them until almost a year later.
I've asked for photos of the kids and updates on school. I think she has sent me pictures about once a month and a few times twice. My son had a birthday party with just her parents. I didn't find out about it until the next day when I saw the pictures on my mother-in-law's Facebook. When I asked why she didn't take pictures and send me them, I was told to stop complaining and I wasn't missing anything. I've missed a lot due to military deployments. Pictures and video would go a long way.
Recently what has concerned me is her spending. Over the past six months she has made three major purchases without talking to me in advance. I found out she paid for her braces, about $5,000, after I saw the bill. I didn't even know that she wanted to do it. Recently she told me she invested in a local business for almost $7,000. This was after she spent the money. When I asked where it came from, knowing it was out on a credit card, she tells me not to worry and that it will be paid back once she gets her paycheck. Then she gets very defensive and asks why I am keeping tabs on her. Its been weeks and I still haven't seen it paid back. This weekend she is going to a work conference. The whole thing is almost $4,000. I know she paid for a first class ticket. We can't afford these things. The only reason I know the cost of this recent trip is because I read her email. She never told me about how much it would cost. I feel bad for looking, but the spending will effect me as well. I also saw an email about a loan, so she is taking out money for her business too. Her job isn't going well and I know she is dumping a lot into it, she just hides it from me.
It is hard to manage bills while I am away, so she does most of it. I'm not sure what to do. I will be home in about 45 days. I want to work this out now, but maybe that is too much. I can't sleep well and I am having a hard time focusing on work when I need to. I want to talk to anyone, but most of all my wife. The last two times I've called she doesn't answer.
I have another 9 years until I can retire. That means more time away and I can't keep going through this cycle. I bought the book on kindle so she can read it too. I've asked her to take a look at it because it also focuses on the hardships of the non-adhd partner. I can't fix her I can only work on myself. Its just hard when her actions effect me so much.