Frustrated non adhd wife

Hi, I have been married with my husband for 12 yrs who has been diagnosed with ADHD and ODD since he was 5 years old. We also have a daughter that's also been diagnosed with ADD. For some reason, as he get older, everytime I ask him to do things for me like simple chores: taking the trash out or doing the dishes. He always forgets it. For some reason he always w8 till I'm about to blow up until he does something. When he does finally do it he acts like a child that just got in trouble. Now everything just sets him off. If my daughter was wanting to spend time with me and he's tired he wants me to come with him and spend it with him. Even though when I am not tired. It just feels like he thinks ir feels like he's in competition with our daughter. He had a freak out because I told his mom that he doesn't want me to tell her he doesn't want us talking so much. He blew up and even punch our bathroom wall. I'm just confuse and frustrated. I want the man that I fell in love. The loving man and understanding man. Now everything seems to always revolving around him and I feel like our daughter is getting left out. She also need a dad that she deserve.  If you guys can help a way to be able to communicate with him without him blowing up I appreciate. Thank you.