Every time I read this board I cry, cry and cry. I cry out of sadness, anger, confusion, and denial. The man I love with every bit of me decided that he was leaving because he was no longer interested in me; he felt that there was no romantic feeling in our relationship. I swear that every time I look at the ”six signs that ADHD is apart of your relationship” I feel like this is why my relationship didn't work. I wish he would read this board, do some research and STOP asking his friends for advice! My now ex-boyfriend was diagnosed with ADHD in his adult years. First off, he is wonderful as far as his personality, mind, goals, etc. I love who he is as a person and wouldn't want to change a thing about him. I also have my own set of issues and am by no means perfect. When he told me about his condition I thought it wouldn't be a big deal. When he said, “hey I have ADHD” it was like saying, “Hey, I got a cold.” There was no information provided to me regarding his condition, so I found every bit of information I could. I'm sorry but I don't walk blindly into anything. I can honestly say I now know more about the overall condition and definitely how it affects a relationship.
I started noticing certain behaviors like procrastination, not keeping his word, certain addictions which he never saw as a problem, amongst other things that caused me to wonder if I could deal with permanently. Then there was the hyperfocusing on everything from the computer to the ipad, to the cell phone etc. I just started to feel extremely insignificant in his life. He was never concerned about how my day was going, how I was feeling, etc. He wasn't willing to sacrifice or compromise. I tried hard to not complain, but even when I did try to communicate to him where we were having problems there was always this, “if you wouldn't do this” kinda attitude, him getting angry and defensive, and then saying something along the lines of, “well maybe we just don't need to be together”. At times he was insensitive when it came to my feelings and how he would respond to them. He told me that when he got around me that I drained his energy. Until this day I can't figure out how I did that. Needless to say I became fearful of expressing my feelings about our relationship, and I'm worried that I will carry this fear into any future relationships. It was always as if I was walking on eggshells and that at any moment me expressing myself would cause him to pull away. As he put it, I was always being counterproductive.
Then there was the lying, half truths, and not wanting to take responsibility or accountability for his actions. All of our problems were what I was doing wrong, and what I wasn't doing right. No compliment for anything that I was doing right.
We decided to seek counseling. While in therapy I thought there was some improvement in our relationship. I stopped letting his being late affect me so much, and he started asking if I needed anything. Of course that stopped as soon as we stopped going to therapy. Nothing the therapist told him to do stuck and we were worse off than when we started therapy. I brought up the idea that it may be his ADHD but he would always say, “it's not the ADHD.” I'm convinced it's the ADHD. Thinking back I was stressed out the majority of the time, mentally, and physically drained with the relationship. Yet and still I stuck it out, tried harder, all because I truly love this man despite everything. In previous relationships I would have ended it a long time ago but I thought he was worth the adjustments. I keep asking myself what I could have done differently? Should I have been more of a b*tch? Did I enable him? Should I have just pulled away the day I saw the first red flag that there may be future problems?
So as of two weeks ago he left because he decided there was no spark in the relationship. I don't hate him, but he is the first person I have had to cut out of my life. I couldn't even stick to offering a friendship because I feel betrayed, disrespected, under appreciated, and wondering if any of what he felt was truly genuine... This hurts – as I read all of these blogs I see me in the majority of them and him in so many of them.
I wish he would have read subscribed to this blog because I'm sure he would see exactly where he was affecting our relationship and that everything wasn't “my fault” and that if he would have really thought about why we didn't have the romantic connection we should have had is because he didn't allow that to happen. The therapist basically said that he gave me a role, and later resented me for it. I guess I should take this as a lost cause, but this is definitely the hardest break up I've ever experienced and I have no idea how to move forward... I guess one day at a time.