Hi, new here :)

I've been visiting this forum for a few years now ever since I realised that my husband must have ADHD - some of his family are diagnosed; he isn't and we can't financially afford a diagnosis at the moment. I read about ADHD to help us both but he doesn't do any research on his own. He thinks he has ADHD too; he had a school-teacher who mentioned to his mother that he most probably has it as well as his (out of control) diagnosed brother.

I find it very hard sharing here. And my own situation is quite complicated as I'm physically disabled from an accident so I have to rely on him to do lots of physical tasks. My disability has got worse and I need surgery to correct this (docs didn't properly assess me at the time of the accident all those years ago!). We met one another when I wasn't disabled and a year later when it happened I actually gave him the option to leave a disabled woman - and he said he still wanted to be with me.

I'm also highly sensitive AND (!) have c-ptsd from childhood/adulthood, of which I've done much work on myself.

I used to be highly independent, organised, outgoing for a creative person. But physical disability changes you as a person - and so does living for years with an adhd spouse. None of our faults of course. :)

Our couple problems began when he suddenly brought his sex internet addiction back... in the middle of the night caught literally with his pants down. That really hurt, especially because he suddenly went off our lovemaking which made me feel so connected to him. And he even chatted up another woman - younger, able-bodied - which hurt me again. Caught him looking at her photos and you know what... He has no desire for me that way now. And I've never experienced that in my earlier relationships with others. That does impact you negatively especially when in middle-age. 

He says he still loves me. Whatever that means.

The reason I'm writing today is because I had a most awful day, Sunday. When I just wanted to relax a little with him... and he wouldn't stop complaining for 4 hours straight! I'm usually the 'voice of reason', very logical (he's the highly emotional reactive one despite my childhood trauma) but even I yelled at him to STOP complaining! I just couldn't take another moan. I'd bought us some nice food and juice and a subscription to the film channel he always expresses an interest in. We were enjoying the film. But I can't stand him endlessly complaining - and then always picking on our old dog (verbally, emotionally). I put my foot down when it comes to our animals. He says he wants to 'boot her' because she is whining (as well as him!, but she's old and this whining is new, exacerbated by him). But then says he wouldn't really boot her and I say you better not because you're a strong man and she's a small old dog.

This has left me sad and more anxious. I also have an elderly mother who we care for between us - I usually do the telephone, email work/arranging. And I come from a toxic family of origin who I've had to put up firm boundaries with - no contact with siblings, sadly. I was physically assaulted 3 years ago by a friend of one of my siblings, another drug addict. 

I needed so much to relax yesterday. My voice is already damaged from all the speaking I've been doing with various people over the last 6 weeks - stuff I won't go into, but stuff that has to be done and there's only me able to do it. And there's various deadlines - academic study and my mother's matters.

What hurts me most is that I am shut out, ignored, with (unnecessary) defenses in place. While he is extremely friendly, nice and smiley with just about everybody else! (I remember that man).