This is my first time posting on a forum like this, but this site seems to have more balanced views rather than a lot of the ADHD bashing that goes on in a lot of other forums. For context, my situation has been a bit different than most of the ones I read about in that my partner was diagnosed with ADD as a child. He was upfront with me about it and that he had not been receiving treatment since high school, but did not tell me much about what ADD was. After 2 years of dating that I've spent scrolling through these kinds of forums (because advice for relationships with non-married ADD partners seems nowhere to be found), I'm starting to understand a lot of the burn out people are having. It should also be noted that I have mild OCD which--when I'm stressed--obviously can get much worse, and becomes easily aggravated by disorder. (I'm sure you can see the start of the problem). Since we have been dating my ADD boyfriend has gotten on medication that has been effective, but has refused to find a therapist, and refuses to take his medication for any time but work and it wears off soon after he gets home.
We have been living together for the past 10 months and while he is a sweet, loving boyfriend, he is a horrible roommate. I have managed to make the most important things like bills very easy and he is on top of it, but I cannot for the life of me find any way to get him to do chores without being prompted. The only chore he will do without my asking is the dishes. He does not spot clean, he will not gather trash from the house, just whatever's already in the kitchen bag, I have experimented and he does not even notice when there is grime on his sink in the bathroom. I understand that not noticing or doing these things is a part of ADD. But I cannot make every decision and delegation every day. And as I continue to have less and less time to spend at home cleaning I am worried that I will continue to come home and just find a pig sty, as it has been these past few weeks. Things are messy enough right now that the sheer stress of being surrounded by it when I get home at 8 or 9pm leaves me with no energy to clean, but also unable to sleep. I've only been able to get about 3hrs a night, and am approaching my wit's end.
Despite this, today I made huge headway in potentially getting a job doing event planning and generally helping flesh out the internal system of a young non-profit. But if I get this job (or any job I'm qualified for, most involve these kind of things) I'm not going have the energy to plan every single date just because he "has no ideas". I'm not going to be able to handle coming home and not being able to even make myself dinner because the counter's are strewn with the packaging of the instant meals he eats when I'm gone. I've stopped being mildly annoyed by him not taking care of his own things and started to get aggravated. And I have expressed this, calmly, succinctly, with him explaining back to me how he's interpreted what I said and how he feels about it and what he'll do, etc........And then nothing happens. He still knows I'm stressed, and I'm angry, but it's like his ADD just magically makes him forget why I can't relax now when I'm home and he just gets upset that I don't want to hold hands or snuggle etc. If I try to tell him when I'm feeling emotional about it, no matter how simply I tell him, no matter how nicely I try to phrase things, he cries. Whenever I get upset and express it he just cries. And I know it's just some kind of weird knee-jerk reaction, but it makes me even more upset, and I end up avoiding talking about things for the 3rd, 4th, or 5th time.....
At this point, I don't know how to get him to do anything without feeling like a bitch beyond just putting signs around the house. Which he's told me to do...but whenever my OCD is really really bad, categorizing and organizing things is what I do. Just thinking about it is a very negative feeling for me, so I have asked him to work to find a way to manage it for himself. And he just doesn't. I can't even get him to do fun things of his own initiative, like set up the new computers he wants to use. I don't know what to do anymore. He hasn't been this bad about chores until recently (I had a friend who's over frequently verify, since I know my OCD makes things seem worse than they are) and if things continue getting worse like they have been, I don't think I can stay in this relationship. But if I can't have a constructive conversation with him that he remembers, what am I going to do? I don't want to treat him like a child. I just want him to act like an adult and take care of his responsibilities. I'd like him to treat them like responsibilities instead of random things I ask him to do. All advice and experiences are welcome. Thanks ahead.
tldr; OCD girlfriend with ADD boyfriend. ADD boyfriend has been progressively ceasing all chores and self-sufficiency over the past month, causing inordinate amounts of stress and insomnia while I am job hunting. I have talked with him about it a few times and it gets "forgotten", leaving him wondering why I'm angry and don't want to be affectionate. Please help.