My husband is a great guy. His doctor is evaluating him for ADD. One problem we face is that he hyper focuses on his own needs, but dismisses mine and the children's when it comes to his time. He isn't as bad about housework, but I believe it is because of his history. It is my belief that he is overly-organized as a way of dealing with his ADD. For instance, I am a terrible housekeeper. I mean my house is not filthy by any means, but it tends to be a little cluttered. I am bad to leave the laundry in a pile after it leaves the dryer. I don't care if the bed is made unless someone may see it. My husband, on the other hand is a neat freak. Everything has its place. His keys and wallet are always in the same spot. Stuff like that. We make this work by respecting each others quirks. I leave his stuff alone, he doesn't comment on my mess. He does his own laundry. This all works out for us both. Financially, its the same. He takes care of us and puts our needs above his own.
The problem is his time. His actions are planned to suit his own needs first. For instance, if his car is in need of repair, it has to be done NOW. If its my car, or our sons, it can sit there for months. Even his friends have gotten his help with their cars before me. If he wants to watch something on TV, it doesn't matter what anyone else may want to watch. If he is watching TV, he gets angry at out ADHD son for talking during the program. This last one is a big struggle in our home. I try to tell him that the children are more important than any show on TV, but he just sees it as the child being rude for interrupting. So he tells the child to be quiet constantly, the child feels rejected, this makes me angry and so I stick up for the child, and my husband gets mad at me.
I try to discuss these things rationally with him. Especially the struggle between him (ADD) and the child (ADHD). I point out that if he cannot control his own behavior with regard to how he treats the child, and he is an adult, that it is unreasonable to get angry at an ADHD child for not controlling HIMSELF. I can correct the behavior of the child, and trust me, my husband makes sure that I do, but how do you correct the behavior of an adult? I try talking to him calmly about it, but he feels attacked (no matter how gentle I am) and gets defensive. Then he doesn't hear anything I say. A few days later, he apologizes and says he "will work on it" and that coasts us through until the next time my son talks during a program, or leaves his game on, or walks and eats at the same time.
I love them both so much. I am just scared of what consequences will evolve if this isn't resolved in some way. How resentful will my son become about being picked on by someone who is doing the same thing he is... not listening.