Seriously. I nearly kicked him out of the house a month or so ago. It would only have been for the night. But I was incredibly enraged by his attitude. Don't know why I didn't vent on here. I was probably too busy trying to breathe through the rage.
He's not working. I am working part-time, keeping up a blog (which I am hoping to grow into an alternate source of income one day), and have health problems. I've also been taking on some mystery shops to help get us out of the house affordably. Because he gets so frustrated not doing anything.
Oh, did I mention I have chronic fatigue? So I'm doing all this, helping him deal with ADD, trying to keep expenses down (because, of course, I'm the CFO of the relationship) and I told him I was exhausted and needed him to take on some more chores. He asked what exactly. I said I didn't know and I wanted to discuss it to figure something out.
Somehow, we ended up getting into an argument about him taking on the majority of the chores while he wasn't working. I think this hit a nerve with him because, while he enjoys the free time of not working and past health problems have made it hard for him to keep a job (so there's stress related to starting another one, even if he's healthier now), he feels bad about not working. So I think he thought I was subtly accusing him of being lazy or something. That's my theory anyway.
Point is, when I made the suggestion that he take over most of the chores, given how busy I am and how exhausted I'm getting, he actually said, "I might as well be a maid." !!!! (I should add that cooking and cleaning the tub would still remain my purview, though the cooking thing has always been a source of stress/trouble for me as well as him.)
I lost my temper at that point and told him something tremendously unhelpful. Probably a slightly gentler version of, "You're being an idiot." I just got so angry that he would see doing the majority of housework -- when I'm doing all the regular work plus helping him deal with ADD -- as demeaning. I asked him, "Oh, really, so what about when you worked and I didn't? When I did most of the cleaning and cooked 3-4 times a week?!" He said I never did any such thing. I told him to trust me. Trust me. I did. Oh, I so very much did.
Anyway, the problem is we got off on a tangent of just how terrifying I found it that he would have such an anti-feminist, BS attitude toward housework. That it's somehow demeaning for him to do, but okay for me to do -- working or not. While I think I was right, it wasn't the right chord to strike in that particular argument. And I'm still a little worried overall about his attitude.
Later, when we were done fighting, he explained that from now on, I needed to come to him with concrete examples and we could take it from there. That "more" to an ADDer was akin to "all." Although I fail to see how "all" is such a big deal around here, even if he counts my blog as a hobby and something, therefore, that I choose to do. Personally, I see it as building a small side business.
So, has anyone run into something like this? How much can I reasonably ask of him? I suppose it's moot soon enough because he has to find a job soon. Still, I'd like some feedback.