i everyone

I'm married to a 56yr old with ADHD - he has never been formally diagnosed, but when he heard a radio program last year about ADHD, it was blindingly obvious that he has it, and has had from a child. He could be the poster child for ADHD! So far we haven't approached a doctor, because here they won't countenance medication for adults with ADHD (because of stimulant abuse). I've tried searching for a private doctor, rather than going through the free healthcare system, but there isn't one with 350 miles of us. I'm not even sure if my husband would be eligible for stimulants anyway, because he has very high blood pressure. So here we are, struggling away, without any hope of medical or pharmaceutical intervention.

The dynamic between us has drastically switched in the last year. I've got a history of depression & anxiety, and always leaned on my husband for everything. He babied me. Now the tables have turned with a vengeance. It's like, once he realised that he had ADHD, he just gave up on life. He is becoming more helpless by the day. He leans on me to the extreme, not just for obvious things like reminding him of appointments, etc, but for everything, from big to small. He has become completely passive, and has gone from being well able to cope with life, despite the challenges it poses him, to being unable to cope with anything at all. Thankfully this has coincided with a period where I am strong mentally & emotionally, and able to pick up the slack, but it's wearing me down even so. I feel like I've suddenly got a giant baby to look after. I run our business, I run the home, I live my life, and now I live his life too.

Neither of us are happy, with the situation, or with each other. There is no physical intimacy between us any more, we both acknowledge that our bond now feels more like mother and child, and that is a complete turn off. I have read every book on ADHD that I can get hold of, but my husband can't cope with reading them. We both still love each other very very much, but our relationship is deteriorating. My husband tells me 20 times a day, I can't do that, I've got ADHD - and I get that this is a valid reason for many of the issues he has, but he is doing absolutely nothing to help himself, just laying back and playing dead. He won't attempt a diet change, vitamin/herbal remedies, nothing like that. He wants to try medication, but as I've said, that doesn't seem to be an option. I wonder if he has depression now too - it doesn't seem to be like my experience of depression, but he certainly isn't himself any more. He doesn't sleep well, and that doesn't help him (or me, since he has to disturb me if he can't sleep).

I don't really know what to do, where to turn, where to go from here. I would be so grateful for any help at all. He is the one really suffering here, but it's really getting me down too.

S.Q.