I am so Desperate

I'm the non-ADHD spouse. Right now we are just engaged. We have been so for a year now. She has been unable to decide on a wedding date, time, place. We have been together for over 3 years now. Like many of us I was overwhelmed and enchanted by how she viewed me the first few months, they were idyllic. But over time I've lost her attention. I don't know how many times I've started arguments just to get her attention. I have had horrible stress the past few months because I am moving from one company to another, a move I need to make to help us pay the bills and have a good life. We are raising her 11 eleven year old boy who is in scouts and is a good kid. She is on Ritalin and takes doses in the AM and around one PM. Last summer she had an emotional affair with some guy she met through work but whom she only occasionally, monthly, has to have contact with. I was devastated. She says it was over but she lied about it being over 3 times. I do everything I can for her to let her know I love her. I try to help with household tasks. I send her flowers to work at least monthly. I write her romantic notes. I proofread some of her work because her use of grammar and syntax is worse than most. She has a work phone that rings at times even on the weekends. It gets more attention than I do. I buy her gifts for special occasions that are expensive to us. I buy almost all the food and household goods. I pay the $200+ cell phone bill each month. She is an exercise fanatic and gets up at 5 or 430 in mornings to do so. I have problems waking up before 630. If she is not up and moving then she falls asleep. That makes sex and conversation difficult. Recently I had a bad bout of diverticulitis, which I'd never had before, and my Doctor sent me home for 4 days from work. He said it was probably caused by stress. The stress at work and a lack of support at home is driving me crazy. My doctor even put me on xanax .25mg up to 3 times daily as needed. I'm an LPCC for Christ's sake! And this is still tearing me up. Suicidal ideation is thing I experience and something I screen my clients for. What a screwy situation.

We had another argument last night which basically was me telling her how she does not show she loves me and her agreeing that I was right. Things change for a while after a big argument but not for long. I've begun to resent her even when she is being attentive to me because it just seems like it is fake and I'm going to be burned again. I am desperately struggling. We live in a small rural town so counseling, where would I go to an office next door, is not an option because I don't think she would agree to it either. I'm thinking about driving and hour and a half away to see a therapist for myself. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to fade away into my own fantasies and never come back. I'm in my 40's. I don't want to start all over again. What do I do?