I am so tired of being the one to blame. I am so tired of it always being about him and his needs. I am tired of walking on eggshells regarding when I talk about things or bring up things about him. I am tired of all his frustration being taken out on our relationship and no one else. I am tired of having days spent feeling his frustration with me and of us not connecting. I am tired of him not really "remembering" the times that I initiate sex. I am tired of him not remembering all the times that he did not help me, did not ask me about me, about the times he did not help me with the kids activities and all the things that need to be taken care of. I am resentful for the things he says about me, about what my passions are and about how I am not passionate about him the way that says he feels about me. I am tired of the irrational things he says. I am tired of everything revolving around his feelings/needs. I am tired of not trusting that if I want to really be passionate with him that a month later or weeks later it will turn into him being frustrated at me again. I am tired of him not seeing my side or thinking about his part in all this. I am tired of never hearing sorry or that he was irrational. Or that there are a lot of things that he does not do for me. I am tired of feeling his general unhappiness. Nothing is ever enough.
I am a pretty rational person (non-adhd spouse). I know that he does not do a great job of helping take care of the kids, scheduling, getting them ready, etc. It does bother me a little but I never nag him or take it out on him. I am easy going and accept him for who he is. I love the way he loves me, in general but I hate that he is always picking me apart and the way that I love him. It is never enough. I am tired of that. I had a dream last night that I was tearing up the house telling him all this stuff (he had another 2-3 day frustrated time and again it was all my/our fault). We have been married for 13 years with 4 kids and we have great times and we have really crappy times. All the crappy times are because in his mind it is because of something I did or did not do. That is not true. I always see both sides and can readily admit when I don't do things perfectly but I never hear that from him. I am about at my limit. I cannot handle another 3 to 4 days of him being frustrated with me for one of the following reasons: he feels I am not as passionate about him, he thinks I am way to sensitive because he says mean things and because when I have hit my limit I say something to him, etc. I have tried to increase the times I initiate sex with him to once a week for 6 months but that did not work, he was still unhappy or it was not the way he wanted it started (generally we have sex 2 times a week, about half the time it is mutually started and it is probably 80/20 he starts/I start it). So I am not completely horrible in that department. I have told him that it is something that I can improve on but it is hard when I try to initiate it by saying lets play a game first (so that I can first get connected with him by getting his undivided attention, instead of always watching TV together when we are not talking). I have also tried to not let the little verbal jabs not affect me but they do. So I have tried to act the way he wants me to but it still does not work or it is not enough.
He is a great man, is a great father to his kids. He is really involved in their sports, wants to be with them. He is romantic and generally likes to spend time with me, when it is what he wants to do. He is a good man and that is why I am still with him but the one thing I am getting really tired of are these times that we are not connected and it is because he is frustrated with us or something that I did. We have never not been connected because of something that I am frustrated about. Does he not realize that. That is what I cannot get a grasp on. The next time we have another discussion about this I will tell him all the things I have said here. Granted it does take me while to speak up since every time I do it gets turned around and back onto me as my fault or my issue but I don't care anymore. Thanks for the time to vent. I love this forum. This is my first post but I do feel connected and supported in everyone else's posts. So thanks again for listening.