I need help/advice...something..

My husband and I have been married for about a year and a half, we have a 4month old daughter and while I knew my husband was adhd when we got married his true 'teenage ways' did not roar their ugly head until i found out i was pregnant (and this was a surprise since my husband told me he couldnt have kids.. and that is another story in itself as he lies to get what he wants frequently)

my nag list as i like to call it because i HATE nagging but thats all i feel i do anymore.

He does NOT help at all with the baby.. not even when im sick and i need the extra rest and dont want to get the baby sick.

we talk and make agreements on things such as not spending money (we each have an allowance out of each paycheck to pay for our things we WANT not NEED... he spends his in a few days then just spend spend spends out of the accounts... i have TRIED taking away access from the accounts.. (hes military) so he just goes in and sets up a navy cash card through the military and spends spends spends. I have talked to him, shown him the bills and where the money goes and how tight we are.. he agrees to stick to the plan and not even 24 hrs later its back to the 'same shit different day' 

he is constantly in trouble at work and of course its always someone elses fault.. however the things he complains about getting in trouble about are the same things im frustrated about at home, he thinks he should be respected and that the military is supposed to take care of you.. i know (as my whole family is military) that thats not true, the military does not want people that cant even take care of themselves - they tend to be harder on the people who cant manage to work or take inniative in hopes that it will kick their butts in gear before a time when inniative will be needed.. such as a war or major situation.

he REFUSES to go to marriage councling because it will be everyone telling him how wrong he is even though ive tried to explain to him we need better tools to communicate and thats where you get them.. its not about where he is wrong but finding the right tools for us to more effectivly communicate as i feel like i talk and talk and talk and we agree and then i get walked all over. when we got married i had no debt whatsoever at all, he had 7000.00 in CC debt plus 15000 on a car.. we've paid the car down to 13000 and he only has 5000 in cc debt now but its taken me fighting and struggling to get HIM there.. he threatens all the time that without him id have nothing.. hes wrong, and i know that but without me his bills would be in total disarray, his car would probably be repossessed.. he has no self control. ive kicked him out of the house before for his teenage behaviors, ive explained that with a new baby that im the sole care giver to i cant handle having a rebellious teenager as well as a new born and keep the house up as i clean it and within 10 min of him being home it looks like a tornado hit it.

ive tried everything i can think of to get through to him that im done, done done done done done, i refuse to live like this. and he just doesnt care.. only thing that gets through to him is some major kick in the ass such as kicking him out for a few days.. things got better... for a while.. but they are regressing very fast again.. hes barely home as it is.. and is facing an 8 month deployment in a few months and is now starting a frikken band with his friends.. its like really.. you think you might come home and actually HELP ME A LITTLE as i have been asking and asking and asking for help.