I want out - long post and vent

Hi there,

My name is Cesca and I am brand new today.

My husband and I are both 45 years of age, marrried for almost 8 years  with one son aged 7.

My husband has undiagnosed ADD/ADHD.

The reason I know this is because his actions (or lack of actions)  match exactly so many other posts on this forum.

Our son has just been diagnosed with ADHD. Does my husband care?  Of course not. He is denies that there is anything wrong with our son. He says that I am silly to push for answers when all boys act like our son and he acted just like that at age 7.

What he actually said was  "He's exactly like me when I was his age and I turned out OK."

UM NO he is NOT OK

I should have run when I discovered that he had been living with his brother for 15 years and at age 35 was not married. I too was not married at age 35.

I was raised by an abusive mother who beat me when my dad wasnt around. My dad was at work all day. I grew up knowing that I did not want  kids and not knowing why. It wasnt until I was in my late 20's that I realise that I didnt want kids because I could not trust myself to now treat them the way my mother treated me. And guess what. Thats exactly what I am doing. I am treating my son almost the same way my mother treated me. While she was physically and verbally abusve to me, I am so far only verbally abusive to my son, but I cant  help it. His actions and his REFUSAL to listen to me drives me NUTS.

My husband  and I met online. He was in one country and I was in another. He proposed within 2 months of our first meeting online. We spent hours on the telephone talking. After an argument one day I said I didnt want to continue. He rushed back an email that had DEPRESSION written all over it, and a few minutes later another email with the proposal. I said I wasnt sure and that I needed some time to make up my mind. Two months later, after another argument online, he apologised to me and I said that yes I would marry him. Because we both want this to work out and we do apologise.

He found the money and the courage to fly a few thousands miles to my country where we got married. My parents paid for my flight back to his country

He wasnt working at the time, he used to work but the stress of a high pressure job (he was a chef) was getting to him and he had to quit. He was applying for disability. he had a few problems - bipolar mostly. He said he would only be on the disability for a short time until he could get back into the work force. That has never happened. 8 years later, he is still on disability payments. This means that whenever I work, I MUST report my income to he disability dept and he loses some money off his next check based on what I got the previous month. I am so tired of having to REPORT my income to them. It is a gross invasion of privacy.

Fortunately I have a separate bank account. I have a few store cards and I made the mistake of making him joint with me on one account. He runs it up to or above the credit limit regularly and I have to make the payments to get it back down. Fortunately he is NOT on my credit card account. 

I only agreed to have a child (he was desperate for a kid - while I was not) because he promised to help me 50% with the kids.  I should have run. Yes he did help in the beginning, but I havent had any help at all for the last 2-3 years. I am now totally parenting 2 kids.

Husband was diagnosed with Diabetes 3 years ago. He takes insulin. Also within the first year of our marriage he fell down the stairs and broke his ankle. It has never healed properly and he has has constant pain from arthritis. He takes a LOT of meds EVERY SINGLE DAY - plus his asthma puffers and the insulin. He is tired of being tired all the time. so am I

About the time he was diagnosed with diabetes, he stopped doing anything unless he feels like doing it. He is the dreamer, he has all sorts of plans to get out of financial dificulties. I am the realist. He had debts from before we were married. he declered bankruptcy 1 year after we were married. He has dreams of making it big, he always buys lottery tickets. Now he just spends ALL his time in bed, or on the computer. The ONLY household chore he does is the shopping. And this is because he uses a medical scooter to get around on.

I do all the chores - dishes, laundry, putting out the rubbish, paying bills, looking after our son (getting him up in the morning, getting him off to school, and picking him up from daycare after work). I also work as well. On the weekends I NEED to have some ME time, but I NEVER GET IT. I have to look after our son (pay attention to him) the entire weekend. He so totally drains me. And I cannot depend on his dad to take over - because dad stays in BED. 

 Our 7 year old son is now demanding money all the time. He thinks food appears out of nowhere, and that any and all money I have in my wallet on my bank acount or on my card MUST be for him. He gets bored very easily and throws aways his toys within a day or two of getting them and then asks for more.

I am so tired of telling our SON NO I dont have any money - well thats not true. I do have money but it has to be spent on other things (like food and clothes and paying the bills) and NOT on him. He thinks we should only spend our money on him

I think I may have some ADD (inattentive possibly) and I know I have sensory issues. My son has sensory isues and ADHD. He gets the sensory issued from me and the ADHD from his dad. I do procrastinate - put things off the the last minute. If I am interested in something I can be very good at it,. But if I dont like something, I am totaly useless or do enough just get by.  I let the mess in the house ride until it finally gets to me and I have to clean it up. I know if I tell husband to clean it up, it will not get done.

I have had enough. I want out.

I never signed up to be parent, financial consultant, bread winner, nurse, cook, bottlewasher and fulltime babysitter with NO HELP.