Any time I express a need for myself my ADHD husband calls me selfish. It doesn't matter what it is, I am labeled selfish and self centered. It has been this way our entire marriage and I am tired of it. If I say "Please stop spending money randomly. Every time you do this I have to recalculate everything", I am selfish. If I say "Please fix the faucet that has been inoperable for 8 months", I am selfish. Any concern I have, need I have, and most certainly any want I have, if I express it I am selfish. He only sees what he thinks is necessary.
We have two issues currently that are really bothering me. One is that fact that any time we go anywhere he walks extremely fast and leaves me behind. I had a stroke as an infant, had a resulting surgery and have limitations. I cannot walk as fast as most people and have balance issues. He knows this but it doesn't stop him from zooming ahead of me. It bothers me also because by example he is teaching our teenaged son to do the same. I have talked to our son about it and explained that it is disrespectful and rude. If you are with someone who walks slower, you adjust your pace to theirs. This past weekend we went to SF with my family. My brother-in-law organized it and we all rode together in their vehicle. We rode BART into the city and walked to the stadium for a baseball game. The whole time the majority of us stayed together except for my husband who felt the need to walk WAY ahead of the group. Our son went with him. My BIL kept looking for them trying to keep track of where they were. It was extremely crowded and hard to find them at times. My sister mentioned it to me, wondering why my husband felt the need to walk so far ahead. She knows he has ADHD. I told her I've talked to him many times about the issue but when I do he thinks I'm being controlling and selfish. Obviously not since others find it rude also.
The second issue is at home. I have sleep problems. If I go to sleep and then am woken up I cannot easily go back to sleep. I can lie awake for hours. My husband and I do not sleep in the same room right now due to sleep and other issues. I need to have quiet for about an hour in order to calm myself down enough to relax before bedtime. I have explained this to my husband. I have ask him and our son to please take their showers before 9:00 so I can have quiet before I sleep. He labels my request selfish. So he has the TV blaring in the living room, both of them stomp up and down the hallway, talk loudly and my husband has been taking his showers at 11:00 - 12:00 at night. The water heater is in the hallway. It shares a wall with my room. As a result it sounds like there is a waterfall in my bedroom when he is in the shower. So, I have to wait until he decides to take his shower to go to sleep. I try to keep myself awake until then because I know if I fall asleep and his noise wakes me up I will not be able to go back to sleep for a while. Last night he was so noisy there is no way I could have went to sleep or stayed asleep until he was done with his shower. The next day I am exhausted, have a hard time focusing and sometimes barely get through the day. He takes him 11:00 - 12:00 shower then gets up at 5:00 am for work. I don't know how he does it. I'm not able to live the same way and I can't seem to get him to understand the toll it is taking on me.
I'm so tired of my needs being ignored and being called selfish because of my simple requests. I know this is partly learned on his part. His mother told me his dad was the same way, she could not express any needs or she would be called selfish. His dad was the non ADHD spouse, his mother has ADHD. Their marriage ended after 19 years. My husband and I have been married 29 years. I'm just tired of it all.