My name is Summer (36) and my husband is Scott (31). I have 2 daughters (13 & 10) from a previous marriage and we have a daughter (8) and son (5). We live near Cincinnati, OH. My husband has ADD. I never really knew much about it when I met him. He was taking Adderall when we met, but stopped soon after. Everything seemed right in the world when we met. He was hyperfocusing on me and feeling the euphoria of being in love. I told him I thought he didn't need Adderall, but just liked the effect of it. I thought he was just abusing it and encouraged him to quit taking it.
Scott is a computer programmer and web designer. He had a job when we met working for a friend of his dad's (he lost that job about 3 years later). He also had an internet business that was bringing in money. He was 22 and had recently dropped out of college because he wasn't doing very well academically, but doing well financially. I was 27 and recently divorced with 2 kids. My ex was a police Lt who was very little fun and also hardly ever around. ?Scott turned his attention on me at a time when I was starved for attention. I was drawn to Scott's energy and excitement. Also, I found him to be brilliant and creative. I knew my husband was very forgetful and not very good at anything involving responsibility, but he was so much fun that I was more than willing to manage things around the house. Things began to deteriorate about 5 years into our marriage.
A little history about me: My parents were polyamorous. They had a girlfriend when I was growing up who lived with us and slept in the same bed. My parents and I have had many discussions about non-monogamy and why monogamy was not logical. I ended up cheating on my ex-husband and deciding that I was not a monogamist. When I met Scott, I told him I wanted an open relationship. The first five years of our marriage, we occasionally had sexual involvement with a friends. It was not often and we never did anything sexual separate from each other. I told him I was considering us having a serious girlfriend. I did lots of reading about it and was open to a polyamorous triad.
Five years later, a woman who was a casual acquaintance of mine ended up getting involved seriously with Scott. I told them both it was okay, even though many red flags were going up telling me it wasn't. My husband began hyperfocusing on her and completely ignoring me. It seemed that all he ever thought about was this other woman and she was smitten with him. She was married, but was very unhappy and considering a divorce. I wanted her to leave her husband so that she could really commit to us. The problem was that I saw it as an "us." Scott and the other woman just wanted to be with each other. I felt like this woman getting in the way of their love for each other. I even tried to distance myself to give them space to be in the moment of new love. After a few months of his involvement with her, Scott ended up telling me he wasn't in love with me anymore. I was heartbroken. I couldn't believe he would do that to me. Up until this woman came into our lives, I thought we had a marriage better than anyone I knew. We were best friends. Then he suddenly didn't want me.
I was devastated. The girlfriend felt guilty enough that she ended the relationship with him, or so I thought. He continued to see her behind my back for the next year (I only just found out a few months ago). Things got worse and worse between me and Scott. He seemed totally withdrawn from me. Eventually, I told his parents we were considering divorce. They insisted we attend a Catholic program for struggling marriages called Retrouvaille. My husband and I are not religious, but Scott's family is Catholic. Retrouvaille was so much better than I expected. It really helped me and I felt that Scott and I were connecting again. We actually spent an entire weekend focusing on each other. I was so happy that at one point, I remember jumping up and down on the bed in our hotel room laughing.
After Retrouvaille, things got a little better. I got my husband into yoga and we attended some classes together. Suddenly, he was totally into yoga and going every day. He became friends with his yoga teacher. He started inviting her out. I tried to like her, but we just didn't click. Then, he told me he wanted to have sex with her. I told him I did not want him to get involved with another married woman. She was unhappily married and starved for love and attention. I started telling him that I didn't want him to hang out with her without me. He started doing it behind my back and sometimes I found out.
Around the same time, our financial situation wasn't so good. His internet business was not making much money. He had started another business that ended up failing and putting us into major debt. I wanted him to get a job. He would tell me he was going to start applying, but he never did. I was homeschooling all of my kids and taking care of almost all of the other household responsibilities. He wanted me to work instead of him, so he could stay home and continue to work on yet another business that wasn't generating any money. He was also going out 3-5 nights per week to bars and clubs. In July of last year, he told me he just wanted to be single. Once again, I was devastated.
I ended up finding 3 jobs and devising a schedule to share the house. He was supposed to leave 3 nights per week and find some place else to stay. He got the house when I was working and 4 nights per week. I had to put my kids in school this year, which the kids and I resented because homeschooling was working well for us. My oldest is still homeschooling because she can do much of it on her own. I got into counseling and did lots of reading and self-work. I really thought maybe Scott had Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I knew for a fact that my dad had it and children of Narcissists are often drawn to them. Scott just didn't seem to care how much he was hurting me and the kids.
In September 2013, his best friend gave Scott an Adderall. The next day, everything changed. I told Scott that day I was moving into an apartment. He asked me not to go and he wanted to work things out with me. I was totally perplexed. He finally admitted to me that he was having an affair with the yoga teacher. He also admitted the affair he had previously. I was floored, but also relieved that he was finally opening up and being honest. I went to the Dr with him so he could get an Adderall prescription and helped him end his affair. Since that day, he has never wavered in his desire to want to be with me and things are actually better than they have ever been between us. Still, we have many challenges ahead.
The current challenge we are facing is that my 13 year old daughter has lost total respect for Scott. She saw what he put me through. Also, I have relied on her way more than I should have to pick up the slack. I don't ask Scott to do homework with the little ones when I'm at work. I usually ask my oldest child because I know she will actually remember to do it. Many times, I have asked my oldest to be responsible for way more than most children her age. She has been praised by many adults for being so responsible, but maybe that is because I forced her to be. Since I work so much now, I cannot always be there to work out the issues between my daughter and her step-dad. Scott complains that she has no respect for him (because she really doesn't) and she complains that he is just a jerk.
I am working on my own faults at this time as well. I am definitely guilty of verbal abuse, nagging, complaining to everyone about him, and taking on way too much instead of finding ways to help him help me. I'm hoping I can find some support and advice here.
I hope no one is put off by the polyamory thing. I am slowly realizing that this won't work for us, primarily because of Scott's ADD.