just looking at my situation

I consider myself non ADD.  I have a sister who is often irked with me for not having things "buttoned up" in my life as SHE would like them.  She has an air of superiority and rolls her eyes and uses a disdainful tone of voice.  We are both a little OCD.  She is much more than me.  She has money and is extremely proud of herself.  I would call myself about average in pride and money.  But I get to see and feel how it is to be the one who knows I COULD do better or more and sometimes I feel bad for letting her expectations (and my own) down.  I can see how sometimes you have to ignore some things that are said because you don't want to have to hold yourself to someone else's standards. I need to distance myself from her ever judgmental criticisms (like my ADD guy does with me) and keep my own dignity without trying for her approval. There is a difference in standards. I can feel them from both sides of the experience.

If her and I HAD to live together, we would have to talk and talk and cooperate and make agreements.  We would have to work at it.  If I refused to discuss or converse.  If I denied there was a problem. If I went on my own merry way and did what I felt like it and let her pay the bills and clean up after me while I let everyone think that I was a great provider and strong and happy myself.  If I called her too sensitive. If told her she was a nag. If I made promises and then broke them. I would expect that she would move out and say  "just because you are giving up on life and growth, doesn't mean I must live like that".

If I said to her, "We have different standards and abilities.  Here is what I need and what I am willing and able to do. I am willing to put in some effort if you are willing to let some things go." She might say to me, "Try harder". I think I would appreciate her helping me set my standards higher and I WOULD try harder. But that is me. 

My ADD guy gave up on trying over 15 years ago.  I really believe he needs to make me feel his pain. Pain and criticism that he has gotten from outside of the marriage.  There is nothing I can do to make our relationship better.  He wants to hold on to his own form of dignity which seems to consist of his power over me (which I gave to him by committing to the relationship).