So - one of the things I am seeing is those with ADHD/ADD do tend to live in the moment, hard core in the present - never mind future or past, just right here right now. I do think this can be a great thing, its good for getting past hardship, moving past an argument, a great coping mechanism in a lot of ways. But where the problem comes in, is that not only (in *my* experience) does that ADHD person live in the present, they live in their "feelings" that are "right now" as well. This is a VERY dangerous thing to do, and its very destabilizing of any relationship you can ever build. I dont know if others have noticed this or not. I suspect yes.
Lately I have really been working on myself and doing a lot of soul searching on what I need to do for myself to keep myself from drowning in the constant frustration, fear and sorrow that has defined me for so long now. And what i really noticed is that I had made a common mistake among those of us who are NOT ADHD, but who are married to ADHD spouses. I thought I was on equal ground with my husband. I put my trust and faith in HIS trust and faith. Make sense? Because I had faith and believed in our marriage, I didnt let my current emotion of the moment (anger, fear, happiness, etc) determine the fate that I expected for our marriage. If I was angry and frustrated with him - that didnt mean I would leave him just because I "felt" it at the moment. I dont think ADHD people can do that very well or at all (or maybe some can? I hate to generalize, but seems that so many of our spouses cannot seem to think "outside the mood").
My husband has point blank told me that he doesnt know if he wants to be married. Ok. I can accept that. And then when I point out that the week before he seemed happy and content and even loving towards me - he tells me its because he was in a good mood. He also has a habit of leaving at any sign of trouble.
He doesn't know if he wants to be married because he only wants to be married when he is in a good mood, and when he isnt and things are bothering him - he doesnt because he cant see past those troubles. And what I see from my own perspective, and from what i can pick up here from others in my same boat is - we struggle DAILY with someone whose actions are based strictly on the current emotional state and the narcisistic traits of only worrying about what will make them directly happy at that moment (regardless of furture impact or outcome) - but we see past that current emotion because we *know* emotions are as changing as the winds. We take it for what it is, put our faith and trust into the commitments we have made and work to make changes to make things better. HOW can this ever work if only 1 partner puts there faith and trust into something and the other parnter - its all based on a whim of the moment? There is no ability to build on that, or have any trust.
He also thinks that his life is being controlled right now. By what I have no idea, I suspect he thinks *I* am doing the controlling because I refuse to just be ok with what ever he wants at all times. (like chronic lying to me, spending more money than we should as we claw our way out of debt etc). But - that's not controlling someone - asking them to be truthfull and not pretending they are when they arent.
Controlling someone is the threat of leaving them if they arent happy - which is EXACTLY what he has done to me for 7 years. And let me tell you - that was like the lights turned on in my head when I saw this for what it was. HE has controlled me for years with his threads of leaving every time we have a discussion. Every time something comes up that is a problem,I have to suck it up because out the door he goes. NOT ANY MORE though. He wants to leave, he is more than welcome to. I love him, but I will not allow him to make me the cause of his unhappiness. He has many issues beyond the ADHD to work out that contribute to this - I understand that. I have supported him, and given him every tool and access to support that he could ever need - but I cant and wont force him to use it.
I am rambling, and really just trying to put my thoughts into words and hoping that others might be able to fill in some of the blanks or put it better than me.
I get wanting to make sure your house can handle a storm, that's why you work to prep it and make it strong, you fix the weak spots and strengthen the foundation. It doesn't mean you just burn it down because one day a tornado *might* destroy it.