So what is a person to do when there is someone who bugs the crap out of you to the point of distraction making you less than you could be? Before I was married I liked myself and was proud of who I was. What has changed that I have lost my ability to be a whole, secure, contented entity without resentment? Why have I permitted myself to be thrown off balance?
Sometimes I feel lonely and bored now that I am slowing down my business and involved with fewer people daily. Then my mind fills up with what is my daily life which is lacking interaction with people. I find my mind going to my history with H and going over it and over it and find I am incredulous that I let this happen to me - 40 years of marriage and then RESENTMENT! I had permitted myself to be a victim for 40 years thinking I was being a sacrificial servant to family and home - but I was also being a compromising traitor to my self. Work was my balm and I worked and made decisions without thinking about my self.
So what SHOULD I have done? I SHOULD have kept my strength of character that I once had. I should have had respect for myself and honor my own values and my own life and not compromised so much.
I have to STOP GIVING MY SELF AWAY...stop thinking about my regrets and get on with my own life. The person I am really missing is Me. And I am missing my spiritual self and missing the strength that God used to fill me with. I so needed H to be someone I could count on and love. I feel like the world is topsy-turvy. What I was taught - modesty, humility, service, committment - all seem like things a weak, dull, person would do. TV and the internet are full of sexy people using words I would never use, dressing in a way I would never dress, saying ideas about self, sex, self....that I have become old fashioned prude and not "with it". But "it" seems to be everything I was taught NOT to be. H seems to be "with it" - independent and carefree and easy to cuss and spew and "do his own thing" - and I resent him for that....there I go again....concerning myself with H. Ugh. I battle with myself.
Lessons learned from the Bachelorette last night. So Blake was so bent out of shape because Lucas was always so silly and inane that Blake's ire and obsession got him booted off. I saw myself in that scenerio with H. I get upset by H's silliness/irresponsibility and who he is and who he is not that I sometimes lose who I am and who I want to be. It was easy to see that Blake should just STOP IT and mind his own functions and character. He didn't have to be a whistle-blower, tattletaler on Lucus to his own detriment.
So, to go forward, I will be working on being a better friend to my self. Walking daily with God and trusting that I am loved and OK. I will give up my diligence of H's life. I will try to be more independent and part of the greater world. I need strength to live my own life. I need to work on my own health - physically, emotionally and spiritually. My work of the day - finding my own strength. And sharing my stronger self with people.