Looking past the ADHD

I posted on this site when I first stumbled onto it, and laid out my frustrations and anger about my husband. Since then I spend time looking at the posts from other people about their spouses and the frustrations that they go through. My husband and I spent time last night looking through the postings. and were sad for all of the people that post and seeing their crumbling relationships and marriages. I know that my husband has a lot of the traits of ADHD that most people post about, it's part of him. I knew he had ADHD when I met him, but I had no idea what it was about until a while into our relationship when the traits started to be noticeable to me. I accepted these things and knew that we could work with this and make our marriage and love strong. There are plenty of days I still get frustrated and resent the work I put into our marriage and how it feels like I do everything, and how lonely I can be, and how tired I can get. But then I always try to remember that it is not just be effected by his ADHD. No matter how hard he works and how much effort he puts into striving to do everything he needs to do, his ADHD always effects him. He cannot concentrate as much as he would like to, and he forgets a lot of things. He works hard to get past this, but it will never go away. He explains to me what it's like living with ADHD and what it's like having so much going on in his brain that he cannot process things because his brain feels like a tangled mess. It makes me sad for him. I get frustrated and so does he. He works hard to be the man he thinks I deserve and he still feels like he cannot live up to those standards and that upsets him.

I do not look at my husband and see him as an ADHD spouse. I look at him and see this wonderful, caring, smart, loving man that I married. I see how he still looks at me, and the love he has for me in his eyes. I see all of the wonderful things that he does. I know that ADHD is a part of him. It always will be. Yes, I get frustrated a lot. I get mad and angry and resentful. I feel alone and unappreciated, but this is not our entire marriage. I am not one of those women who will sit back and deal with the frustrations and hope it goes away. I never have been like that. When something is bothering me I talk to him and I show him what is going on and why it's upsetting to me. Most of the time he doesn't even realize he was doing it. We then work together to try to make changes. I have seen other women on this site who are tired of constantly reminding and trying to get their ADHD spouse to remember things, and don't want a life like that. One thing I have learned that there are things that you can work on and change, but there are some things you just have to accept and work with. I know that even though my husband tries very hard to remember to do everything he needs to do, his ADHD gets in the way and he doesn't always remember. So I will email him, text him, call him, facebook him. I know that in other marriages the wives might not need to do this, but in my marriage, I do. I might have to work harder than some other wives I know to have my husband do the things he needs to do, or even to just pay attention to me. The thing I always remember though is that this is not him. My husband is not ADHD. My husband is my husband. He is the wonderful man I grew to love and still love more than anything. Our marriage may not be perfect, but we work with it. We can look back at all of the work we have put into our marriage and appreciate where we are now. We still dance in our bedroom with no music, we still hold hands, and kiss in public. We still get frustrated too. But when we put aside the frustrations and problems, we can see how much we love each other and how hard we will continue to work to make sure our marriage is always loving, romantic, and selfless.