Need to Do Something

Years ago I was diagnosed with depression. In the past two years I've been diagnosed with ADHD. I believe I am the ADHD-inattentive type. I had been on Wellbutrin XL for years that seemed to have a benefit but it wasn't enough. I tried Vyvance, Adderall, and Ritalin. They all may as well have been sugar pill.

I should probably write more, but I'm so depressed I can't really summon the will to do it. I posted here regularly for a while over a year ago, but stopped when my wife caught wind of it and was very upset with me for sharing personal details. I need to get back to trying medications; I am on nothing but supplements right now. While life has continued to roll along without any major calamities I am so very unhappy. The line between depression and adhd seems to be pretty blurry. I tried what professionals typically throw at you for ADHD and struck out at normal dosages. I'm just so tired of the trial and error, of being perhaps 90% functional in a live & work sense but fundamentally lost as a person.

That's not even getting into relationship issues, which are at the same time both much more harmonious (she got on zoloft and her anxiety is more than halved) and much more hopeless in terms of feeling any kind of connection. If you look at everything on paper, our lives look great. Facebook paints such an idyllic picture of functionality and success. I am so lonely. I want to scream. I want to learn how to talk to my wife again like a normal human being, and not hold 50% of my words back for fear of igniting something. I'm afraid that we will find there is no reason to be together other than raising our children if we get to that kind of real communication. Individual talk therapy has seemed like little more than psychological masturbation, and she wont do couples therapy because it is so hard with 4 kids to set time for it. She also doesn't quite believe it will be effective, and has a distrust of the entire profession. Not having had any knock-down-drag-outs in the past year or more also brings things out of any crisis realm that might instigate "going to therapy."

I need to get moving on this stuff, I'm not even coherent in explaining it, and showy/easy rhetoric is usually automatic for me. Something's gotta give.