Hello community (can i refer to you this way?),
My name is Elani. married to my husband for more the 15 years. This morning, when I was reading some information here i started to cry. Read and cry. like it happened here before probably. The feeling that swamped me was that i am understood. That i can nod, or probably will get nodding on my words. This morning I was very emotional, now, afternoon I am much more calm. Few hours passed since last night's drama, few tears were coming out and the fact that i need to drive 30 miles to an interenet (we live on the road and many times away from internet access), put things in a new perspective.
First time i got the realization that I am married to ADHD symptoms came to me few months ago when my cousin introduced me to Dr. Hallowell's book - the road to distraction. I got the Hebrew version of it and the name for the Hebrew version is "Nervous Strain". When i took the book, looking and the original name of the book, I didn't like or understood the meaning of the Hebrew name of it. I was reading the book in the long hours flight back to the US from Israel. When i reached the "Relationship" chapter i realized why did they named it this way. It says there that being married to an ADHD partner, without knowing of it, can lead you to a Nervous strain. And this is where I was. the book was an eye opener for me and is some ways for my husband to even though he refuses to accept the title of ADHDier. But still, for me a whole 15 and something years of love AND struggles, conflicts, frustration, anger, hate, loosing the mind and nervous strain got a clear view what happened. For my husband most of his life were clearer but he is not yet there to fully accept the new friend we have - ADHD.
I love the article here that says it is about the behavioral symptoms and not the ADHD title but still, it is there as well.
When we first realized that this is what is going on we managed to laugh a lot about it. Situations that brought me to explode before and held anger in the house for days, suddenly were a source for great laugh.
I feel I can and want and need to talk now for hours, days, weeks. To clean it all out of my system. The hard emotional experiences, the shame, the mistakes I have made, the "how great" I am and how much it has being crushed under his mis acknowledgment of my feelings, how strong am I, how I used to be so powerful and now I don't feel it anymore. For a long while. I feel like talking about how in the past few years i felt the whole me is being crashed under this thing that we didn't know what it is. How my husband felt and still feel bad about hurting me without knowing what to do with it expect of running away. How our 4 kids suffered from all these fights and angers. I feel I need to talk because you are here, understand, you can nod without me needing to explain too much or to feel not understood. I was a very socialized person. I lost trust. Those years of struggling that brought me to nervous strain made me stay away from friends. No longer intimate with anyone like I used to. I read it here too. I am not alone in this. I used to lead a women circle's movement in Israel. Very powerful path. I stay away from any leading now.
We almost broke up last summer. Under the piles of broken pieces of me I took myself for a whole day by myself (we live on the road with our 4 kids so beyond relationship there are the kids. we are all very intensively together) for the first time in few years maybe, i asked my self "what do I want" and cried for 24 hours until something has shifted. Wasn't aware yet of the ADHD symptoms but it started a year that brought me to this book and maybe, new hope for us.
We love each other. a lot. We hurt each other. a lot. We want to stay together, we want to brake it up. We need help. He is willing to come for help. I know I am the one to begin with it.
After realizing my husband has the ADHD i realized that also my first son has some of the symptoms too. I started to do something I did procrastinate for a long time and that made a difference - treating the symptoms with Homeopathy. My son symptoms has improved A LOT thank to that. Now my husband say that he is willing to do that too. I hope he will. Talking are not always equal actions but I know it is also me, how I approach it. When I push insensitively, i get a hit back.
Lots of patient is needed. Sometimes i have it, sometimes I don't.
Last night was just another incident that through us back few steps. I pray we will have the faith, love, trust (that was lost) and patient that is needed to keep it together. And the right help.
At this very moment I have the hope, the patient, the love that are needed for continue. Hope he has it too.
I believe in family life, we have 4 great kids, very unique life style on the road. I wish to continue that. I pray to find the way.
We are going into very hectic 2 weeks of work. Part of the symptoms of his is that he is pushing it to the limit all time and creating stressful situations. He bring himself to work in stress. I will have to breath very very deep as this will not be the time to dig into treatment with him. I can support or make him more weak, which I don't want to. Again, I will need to be strong, taking care of myself, create, be with the kids, find my inner peace, knowing that he might not be there this coming 2 weeks. We have a project to accomplish. Need to be patient.
If you came this far with the reading - I thank you. I just had to let it all out, to start with it at least.
There is much more as you can all imagine.
I just to tell one positive aspect of it all before i am done for this post. That was a big laughing moment (at least on my side but it did affect the whole family).
After we both realized that ADHD is a new friend in our lives, we drove - my husband, me and the 4 kids, to a B-day party of the kids' friend. While Driving we see a friend of ours on the side on the road near a couple of cars. My husband wanted to stop and help him but I had a feeling that he is actually helping someone else already and it is all OK. we were late to the party so I told my husband we better not stop and that the friend is OK. He continued driving but started to be so mad and foamy - "how come I don't let him stop, friendship is the most important thing and this and that" and he is all about anger. Ok I told him calmly, so turn the care and go back to hi if it is that important to you. But he didn't. he just kept on driving and in the drama. Few minutes into that my daughter saw that curtains that were on the bed of our track, going for laundry, are flying on the road (since he put is in the bed of the track with doing it all the way - part of his symptoms). So now we asked him to stop and go back for the curtains....OMG, he got even more mad now. Now stopping for the friend but yes for the curtains... and while increasing his anger and "nice words" about it all he stopped roughly on the road and started to make the turn while we are all swinging inside the track from side to side, back and forward, shaking with the turn that he made so angrily. At this point I was in a middle of a laughing attack. I couldn't stop laugh and i was trying to say something but all I could do is laugh. The kids were laughing with me, now really getting what is going on. When finally i managed talking I said that i suddenly understood that there is ADAD and there is ADHDA. The last one is an - ADHD Attack and this is what we just experienced.
So many times before we had that and i got angry and he got frustrated for that and of course just another drama. This time, after we got the curtains and the attack was over, everything was normal. In few minutes. not hours or days like before.
I try to remind myself of this option - to laugh but until I will get my wings, the angel's wings, i will probably fall into pits like last night as well.
Wow, thank you for listening. for reading. I hope there is a hope.