My DH just spent a week visiting his sister in another state. Her newborn son was recently diagnosed with a very serious illness, so he was helping out with our 2-year old niece while his sister and her husband were in the hospital. This left me at home with our 1-year old son alone.
Of course, I was glad that he was able to go down and be there for his sister. I have no resentment about being alone with our son for a week if it meant that my SIL was able to have her mind at ease knowing her daughter was well taken care of.
I do, however, have some issues with what happened upon DH's immediate return home. He immediately started pointing out things that I didn't do, didn't clean up. Let's be clear: I do the vast majority of cleaning in our home, and sometimes, especially when I am the only one caring for our toddler, I get too tired to worry about clearing off the dining room table of all the mess that DH left there before his visit to his sister. He criticized me to not cleaning up the mess HE left while I was ending every night utterly exhausted. Did I mention our son had a stomach virus for the first couple of days DH was gone? I was TIRED, and this was not a priority.
DH returned home on a Saturday, but had to spend all day Sunday working from home on a time sensitive project for work. Again, this is something that he couldn't do anything about, so I wasn't going to throw some fit about not being able to spend time with him. Instead, I do my best to keep our son entertained throughout the day so we don't distract DH and decide to make a big dinner for us. I was going to make the dinner after the baby went to bed, but DH said he was really hungry, so I started cooking earlier, which was difficult to do with a toddler. I did it anyway, but DH didn't even eat anything until well after the food had reached room temp.
Maybe it's my own fault for trying to do something special for him when he was obviously so busy, but just a single "Thank you" or "I'm sorry I have to work all day" would have made all the difference to me. Instead, I found myself going to be on the verge of tears, feeling utterly dejected. I don't cry easily, and I think I have the right kind of mindset for being able to deal with a husband with ADHD, but that doesn't mean that I should just let myself be a punching bag, does it? He spent all day snapping at me, including walking into our bedroom to turn down the radio I was listening to, rather than asking me to please turn it down, which I would have done without argument.
I can predict right now what will happen when I bring this up to him (which I will tonight). He will tell me that I should just know he appreciates me, that I should know that he'd rather have spent the day with me and our son than working, and because it wasn't his choice to work, he shouldn't have to say he's sorry.
I always thought his coldness was a product of being raised by his mother, who, although she is a pre-k teacher, has the warmth of a marble slab, except when it comes to her temper. She's the kind of person who is never wrong, and DH is the same way. But the more I read on here, a lot of people with ADHD have a similar kind of personality. Is the inability to say "thank you" or to show a little compassion a symptom or a coping mechanism for people with ADHD, or is it just a coincidence?