Recently divorced from my add spouse



I am new here, i just divorced my wife last Sept 2010.  We had a lot of fights, mostly money things, paying bills, forgeting to got to appointments, house being a total mess.  I was at a loss, we were married fro 11 years togther 12, we have two wonderful boys together.  The funny thing is she initiated the divorce, from what i read on here most of the time the non add spouse leaves first.  She got tired of the fights, i would really be verbal with her, emotional abuse , putting her dwon emotionally.  I just got so tired of carrying a lot of the financial burden, and working a lot and then coming home to cleaning the house myself, now i know there is no excuse for emotional abuse, but i am human too, and i just felt used, and that all i meant to her was a paycheck, and a good cook, and housecleaner.  It is true in the beginig things were the best, she was always calling me, wanting to see me, call me at work to tell me i love you etc.  It was wonderful, i thought to myself i found the woman of my dreams.  But after time getting married having kids it slowly went downhill.  I noticed her doing less around the house, and not working much, and our bills pilled up, at first i tried my best to keep us afloat, but after time i could not keep up with the debt.  the fights began, me being emotional abusive was occuring regurally, called her nasty names, thing like worthless, and what would you do without me, you would be in the streets.  Very awful stuff, and i am very sorry for all of that.  Well it turns out both my children have add.  They started there meds, and they got a lot better.  I started to wonder if my wife had the same problems.  i never mentioned it too her but i felt it.  Anyways it got worse and i was sleeping on the couch for the last year of our marriage.  we seperate in feb of 2009, and we did the back and forth thing, we would see each other, mostly due our children, but we would be intimate, and she would tell me it was just to satisfy her, what a blow, it went on for awhile, and in nov of 2009 we decided to give it another shot, it lasted 2 months and we were seperated again.  So in sept 2010 we divorced, she started to do some real destructive things after last seperation, hanging with friends that like to party a lot, dancing with guys, i think she started to sleep around, and had partys at the house with the kids home, my oldest said the police came by once, and people were vomiting over there etc.  I was distrubed greatly, and hurt too, becuase here was a woamn that i spent 12 years with, and i never saw this behavior.  Anyways there came more fighting, and she would just move on, and i told her i was but i was concerned for her and especailly the children, she told me to mind my business.  She saw the doctor begining of 2010 and was diagnosed with add, and was put on adderrall, she got a little better, but her finances are terrible still, and the house is never clean, i feel bad for my children, i take with me any time  i can, but she has primar custody.  She is a little better but the daily things are not there, still does not pay bills on time, went out and bougth an iphone becuase she wanted one, even thou she does not have 2 nickles to rub together.  Sometimes i go over and buy food for the house becuase there is none there. i PAY MY CHILD SUPPORT AND I HAVE MY KIDS  for at least 3 days every week.  She is unemployed right now collecting, she took a class to get a medical assitant job, which i thought was a good idea, well she finsished the class just recently and decided to take a trip to brazil, this is the country she is from, she needed to have her teeth fixed and she does not have dental coverage, and her friend in brazil is a dentist s her would do this for her, anyways she is there for three weeks, and i dont  see why she needs to be there three weeks for teeth issues. Meanwhile the bills are piling up at here house, and i kept the kids with me instead of her family that is here.  anyways she has no job yet becuase she is over in brazil so she can see her family and friends there, that is all good, but her children are here, and the finances are bad, the judgment is not good her, she does things to escape reality.  I forgot to mention we bought a house in FL, I am from MA,  she wanted to move there becuase she was bored, so i did this becuase i loved her and i put $50,000 int the house, this was back in 2004,  well a year later from that she wanted to refianace the house so she could get money out to upgrade the house and go on a trip to brazil, she has gone at least 6 times without me, but most of the time she took the kids.  The mortage got so bad of the arm we got, i could not pay for it, we decided to move back to MA, selling the house was near impossible becuase it was not worth what i paid also i took money  out for her uses, i never got any uses out of the money from equity, so i short saled it, got lucky got out of it with paying nothing, but i lost my money, this money is what i saved before we met, but i was happy to buy her a home.  So now my credit is not good at all, and i am living with my folks becuase i cannot afford to have an apartment.  I was constructive thou, lost 50 lbs, paid of our marital credit cards she walked away from, i paid them all off, totalling 15,000, but it is paid.  I got a promotion and making more money, and have saved some cash, so once i get my credit up i am going to by a condo, my parents will cosign with me.  I feel used and abused, i lost out i feel, i have two great kids, but i feel she drained me and just walked away scott free.  But i still feel bad about the emotional abuse i put on her, i might have a bit of codependcy with this, i dont want back with her, but i would like to help her i still care believe it or not, and plus she has my kids.  It is funny i still have feelings that i am to blame for the divorce and the failed marriage, but after reading stories her, i am not at toal fault, if only i knwe about her condition early, maybe things could be different and i would ahve my family back, but that is water under bridge, i feel better becuase i know i am not all to blame, the guilt is fading, and i am seeing the errors with her as well.  I have come here to read and learn about this issue becuase it had such an effect on me, and my children have this disease.  anywasy thank you for this site