Hello. Please bear with me, as I'm afraid this will turn into a pretty long post. I just feel like I need some advice and feedback on a few things.
I'm a 22-year old female with Aspergers syndrome who's engaged to a 21-year old guy with an Aspergers/ADHD combination. We've been in a relationship for almost four years and engaged for almost two years, and we are soon planning on moving in together in the near future.
But some things are really bothering me and making me question how the future will be, and I almost feel like I want to quit at times.
I'm only a year older than my fiancé, but it sometimes feel like he's at least 10 years younger than me. Sometimes he answers my questions and requests for things, only to claim I never said those things or that he never gave an answer to them literally 10 seconds later. Or he just gives a random answer, like "yeah", "yes" and "I agree" and don't understand why I get so upset that he never listened ONCE to the 30-minute long conversation I had with him that he seemed to give legit answers to. (Because sometimes he actually DOES listen and say those things anyway, and seems to have listened, so half of the time I don't even KNOW if he hears me or not).
Then, when I try to understand and ask why he did that, that he could just tell me if he doesn't want to talk and I'd understand if he didn't, he gets really defensive and claims I'm "just causing drama out of nothing" and refuses to talk about it. And gets really angry. Either he leaves or acts like a brick wall for several hours, leaving me frustrated and incredibly hurt. We never seem to be able to solve things like adults.
When we first got together as boyfriend and girlfriend, his parents defended him a lot. If he hurt me and I tried to tell him off, he immediately ran to his parents (presumably telling them what "horrible" things I told him) and they came up to us and talked to me how I should respect HIM more and how I don't understand his needs (despite the fact I have Aspergers myself and we have very similar "problems"). Despite the fact I'M the one trying to talk to him, but he just keeps leaving or pretending to be a brick wall for hours on end. His parents have, however, apologized for this behaviour and are not "butting in" on our arguments anymore. They claimed they did this because they have "babied" him too much in the past, and that's something both them and I agree on nowadays. They are trying to make it better, but it's proving (not suprisingly) to be a bit too late, as he's a grown man who should have learned these things WAY sooner. We have a better relationship now, but... there were things that they said and did that I'll probably never, ever forget or completely forgive that hurt me so badly that I wanted to kill myself for a while.
Now, my fiancé has grown up A LOT since then, but the aforementioned "random answers" and "not paying attention" is still a big issue to this day. And the complete denial of any wrongdoing or the claim "I'm not mad" while signaling pretty clearly (with the threat or execution of leaving me and the "brick wall" act, among other immature behaviors) takes a HUGE toll on me at times, as I'm trying to cope with my own struggles (social anxiety and major depression).
I feel like I'M the bad person in everything, as he keeps saying I'M the one who causes drama and I'M the one who asks too much of him. That I'M the one who never wants to solve things or make any effort.
I don't want to feel like I completely f****d myself over and chose a life of submission or being a complete witch towards him, but this is starting to feel really frustrating and depressing. Sometimes it feels like something not worth fighting for, because no matter how hard I try, no matter how many solutions or compromises I've tried to make, it doesn't seem to be helping at all.
My anxiety and depression has been sky-rocketing from all of these same, monotonous arguments we always have. And from the constant feeling that I'm the bad guy in everything going on.
It feels like it was doomed from the start, and maybe I'm the only one who hasn't seen it yet and is in complete denial.
Thanks for reading.