A Sad Realization

It's disheartening when you look at the truth sometimes and today was one of those days.  I've had a great deal of success with my ADHD symptoms and as far as my spouse tells me........things have improved for her as well.  The realization that is probably the hardest to look at but yet is the undeniable truth is that the things that cause her the most grief about being in a relationship with are a my ADHD symptoms.  No surprise here for anybody.

As I've said.....I have come long way in minimizing the impact these things have on her and some of these things I have under control very well and she reports that this is true.  Those were apparently the easy ones for me.  The other ones and specifically one or two are the ones that I can see are going to be problematic perhaps for the rest of my life.

The problems we're dealing with are not due to my lack of effort or denial but for the simple fact that certain aspects of my ADHD  just simply drive her crazy and hit up against her own issues.  I can see what these things are and I intend to keep at it but.....her frustration and anger surrounding these things are not likely to go away even when I can tell she is trying very hard not to let them show.  My sadness comes knowing that I will someday need to let her go.....not tell her to leave but to tell her that she deserves to be happy knowing that her choice to stay might keep her from having a happier life without me/  I say this with every intention that a day will come when I might be able to manage all my ADHD issues well enough that she can begin to look past them enough where they will not bother her any more.

There is nothing causing me to say this in the short term....but I have been here before.....enough to see the signs.  On one hand I do not want to create a self fulfilling prophecy by thinking this way.....on the other hand, I want to be realistic and not drag anyone along with me if I can't get to a place where we can both live in harmony.

Right now things are pretty good.....some good days and some not so good.  Todays not as good as some. Such is life.  The ADHD thing is the one thing that I fear will be the thing that I will never be able to master to the degree I have in other areas of my life and I could never make that promise to her.  This is the realization....that I can't say these things will ever get to the place that she won't finally get to her place that I see so many of the spouse here on this sight are at right now.  I would never wish this upon anyone and I have told her that I don't expect her to stay if she can't tolerate my ADHD from the beginning of our relationship.  I made a reference in a recent post that I think 80% ( consistency ) is my goal and a realistic one for me to achieve.

But part of this realization thinks that even that might not be good enough.

Until then......I'm still going to try.  That's why I am here.