I am so glad I found this site! All of this time I had thought I was crazy and overemotional and just overreacting to everything. I was >< close to ending things the day before I found this site. I had already written a letter (so I could get my point across without being interrupted or just flat out not listened to), and had accepted that I was going to have to lose him. I figured I would see just how much of a role ADHD causes in a relationship before I made a final decision so I Googled "ADHD affect on relationships" and here I am. I was stunned to see so much of him in all of these articles and posts! So much of his behavior is explained here.
Ah, hyperfocus. We met online, and then met in person a week later. Honestly, had I seen him on the street I wouldn't have even glanced at him. He was so charming online, and so adorable in person (like a nervous teenage boy), I told myself to give him a chance. I was tired of handsome guys that were just jerks, so I gave him a shot. We had about a good 5 months of hyperfocus. He was considerate, attentive, affectionate, and made me feel like the most beautiful woman on the planet. I had never dreamed that a man like him existed. He said the sweetest things to me (which he now chalks up to being drunk when he said them). The hyperfocus started wearing off, and we discussed that it was normal in a relationship for that initial rush to end, although I did think it was a little soon seeing as how we were so smitten with each other. He told me he was ADHD shortly after we met. I noticed it in his organization skills and his short or intensely focused attention span. No biggie, I was very organized and did my best to help keep him organized as well. I cannot tell you how much I miss the hyperfocus stage, who wouldn't?!
So, to now, a year and a half later. He's said "I Love you" to me ONCE! Over a year ago, unprovoked (by voice, he will type it into the end of an email occasionally). All I can get from him now is a mumbled "I love you too" when I say it, so I rarely say it to him, although I want to say it all the time. This kills me! I tell him he doesn't love me, and his response is "I never said I didn't.", yeah well, he never says he DOES! He's so distant emotionally, says a relationship is like a partnership, we can love each other, but technically (in a nutshell of what he said) we are like roommates. I have written him letters pouring my heart out to him, telling him how much I want this to work, and how I think we may have a future together and that I love and support him and don't want to lose him. And what response do I get, nothing. Maybe a sentence telling me I am being silly (he says this when I mention fear of losing him), if anything at all. Don't get me wrong, there are occasional glimpses of him caring very deeply about me. I can see it in his eyes and feel it when he touches or holds me, but to actually vocalize how he feels about me, FORGET IT! One question that I have to ask that hasn't been answered in my readings here is does the ADHD partner actually LOVE their partner once the hyperfocus is over? Or are they just attached and too scared to let go?
When I try to bring up our relationship he doesn't seem to want to talk about it. At this point, I have no reassurance from him (I have severe abondonment issues, for good reasons, which I can explain later) which leads me to act like a neurotic mess. He told me once "I'm not going anywhere." and I still can't decide if he meant it, or if he just said it to shut me up. I mentioned splitting up when I came across some possible infidelity, and he was so ambivalent saying if we do it is reality, and that the decision was up to me. I told him he didn't care, he said that was not true. He showed no emotion basically. He says he will not chase me or fight for me if things end, or if I pull away from him. He will just go. Why not at least try to keep things together? Does he care and is it just a defense mechanism or does he actually just not care?
I am a single mother with a 14 year old son. I maintain my house, car, etc. I finally moved closer to his area because it was a better area for my son to be in (2 hours from home), and because I felt like we were ready to be closer and see each other more often. He swears that we will not move in together for a long time, yet it feels like he has essentially moved in. Most of his stuff is here, and he goes into "town" a few nights a month to work for business (catering company, sometimes he bartends late and stays with family). He keeps telling me if he had the money he would help me more. He pays the electric bill (I nagged about it), and cooks fantastic dinners occasionally. But I feel ilke I am supporting him. Free rent, food, water, cable. I am cleaning up after him often (not all the time though), and he doesn't help with anything unless he feels like it or until he gets tired of me complaining to him. I am not the nagging type. I hate nagging, but sometimes it's the only way I can get anywhere with him.
Our sex life has gone down the tubes over the past 6 months. Before then, AMAZING! He just says he's too fat now (he's gained weight but I am still attracted to him) and lazy. tired all of the time. But yet if I want to go down on him he is game....okay, I will find the sex thread on this one......
I have recently (in the past 2 weeks) found little traces of possible infidelity, have confronted him about it, and he says things that make it seem like he's not really up to anything. He's turned his profile on one social media site to private after I told him I found it and was upset that there were sexual things from other women on there, he claims he was just playing a game, but why would he turn his profile private, as well as change his username, picture and location (I have the URL, he thinks I was just using the search box). Basically he hid himself. Why would he do that if he is just playing a game? *sarcasm, I am not an idiot*. He said that he likes attention from other women because he doesn't feel like he is attractive anymore and needs that validation. Even I can understand that, I like when men other than him find me attractive it's a nice ego boost, but it still hurts. I am not talking to other men or flirting online. He says he's not out to cheat, but I am starting to wonder if there is some sort of a sexual addiction going on with him that I just do not have evidence of yet. His previous girlfriend snooped a lot he says, and would get back at him by getting attention from other men. Since coming to this site, I am understanding why this would be a problem. He needs the stimulation and frankly I guess I am just not enough for him anymore. How does one fix this? It tears my heart out to think that he would be looking for affection and sex from someone else, when I am right here, love him to pieces and want way more sex than he is willing to give me.
I am starting to realize that he may have some narcissism issues as well. He is overly concerned with his appearance and is continuously putting himself down about how fat he is he hates his hairline he hates his eyes (he's italian and has the dark circles and bags). And in traffic, WHOA!He talks crap about the other drivers how they are so ego driven they need to be first, this person just cut him off, they are speeding, etc. And then he goes and does the SAME thing they are doing, or just gets downright aggressive (I am scared he's going to get shot someday)! Half the time I am stifling laughter when he does this along with just being plain annoyed! I read somewhere that this is normal, and now I know it's the ADHD and hes not just a ridiculous a*****e.
He has started being very critical of me lately. He picks apart almost everything I do, especially when it comes to my job, my son, my pets, car, and how I run the house. He blames me damn near every time something goes wrong (and it's usually something HE forgot to do) almost like a knee jerk reaction. If he can't find something he asks me where it is, I tell him I haven't seen it and he gets upset with me. He repeats over and over about how he swears he left it "right there" and I must have moved it on him. Or gets mad because I don't know where something is (ahem, because he put it in the wrong place!). I am not the gatekeeper of all of the stuff!!! This is a house with a lot of stuff! I am required to know where everything is at every given moment otherwise he gets frustrated.
I have noticed selfishness as well. it feels like it's always about him. if I don't want to do something he wants to do, he gets upset, and I will finally concede, then he will say no, let's do what you want to do, giving me a MAJOR guilt trip in the process which leads me to not enjoy the activity I wanted to do. Sexually, his needs come first. Physically, he is like a "bull in a china shop". He will run me over to get wherever he needs to go (boy do my feet hurt), and when we walk somewhere, he is almost walking diagonally in front of me. I am constantly having to step around him again and again to walk next to him. Almost seems like he is physically saying "I come first, get out of my way."
Honestly, I am not sure if I want to stay, and not sure if he really wants to change. I need affection, and NEED to be told I am loved. I need to not be cheated on and lied to. I need to make sure that for my son and I, I am not supporting a man that is just using me. Part of me wants to help him through this and hope that we can have a great relationship, maybe even get married someday. He's not all bad. He's charming, a talented guitarist and chef, and has moments when he can be loving (although those are waning), is funny as hell, and we get along really well when things are good between us. I do not want to walk away from him and make a big mistake, all because of this stupid disease. I just don't know if I have the energy to stay though. A year before meeting him I had left a 15 year horrible excuse for a marriage with a Bipolar II alcoholic/pothead. I will say this. I do love this man, and he has stood beside me through the most horrible period in my life (my mom was murdered last August). This relationship does have potential and I feel like it would be a tragedy to just give up especially considering all we have been through. I just can't seem to figure out where to go with this, and it is hurting me. Emotionally and physiologically.