I refuse to make a tally list of poor behaviors.
I freely choose to put my life out in the public eye in this open forum, where comments, both positive and negative, both agreeing and non-agreeing, are written.
I know I am free to take what I need, and leave the rest. I no longer feel condemned by other's views, and when it is needed, I do get convicted of behaviors and things I need to change.
Indeed in life, I have learned that it's usually my own expectations that cause me the biggest disappointments. I do not have a clear list of what is the usual and customary expectation in a loving, balanced marriage, and what is above and beyond, in essence setting myself up for defeat. Some things are very clear. Some are misunderstandings, and can be worked through.
Let me start out this with a very fictional story.
Tucked in the corner of the office at a large corporation, is a huge, giant, massive (it is big!) area for meditation. It has a water fall running down a rock wall, where the water follows a stream to an indoor pond. The pond contains many,many goldfish. Sometimes people enjoying the sounds of the water. Sometimes people let their fingers run through the water fall. It feels so nice, and cool, and has a very relaxing effect on them.
One day, there is a dead fish floating in the pond. It is scooped out, and no one thinks much of it. A few days later there is another dead fish. Hmm. Interesting. The water is clear. The filters are fine. No one is "poisoning the water hole" by tossing in litter.
The fish continue to die.
The water's PH level is tested. It is fine. The temperature is monitored. It is at its optimum. Yet the fish are continually dying.
The oxygen level is tested. It is fine. Yet the fish are continually dying.
A complete battery of tests are done to the water. An unknown substance is discovered. The water source is tested. Not from there. The cleaning tools are tested. Not from there. The food storage bins are tested. Not from there.
A complete battery of tests are done on the next fish that dies. That unknown substance is found to be coating its gills, which caused the inability to get oxygen through its gills, and it apparently died from lack of oxygen.
A complete test is done on the substance, and it is determined to be sunflower seed oil. How in the world does the indoor fish pond get contaminated wth sunflower seed oil? The food is retested. There are no sunflowers in the feed. No sunflower oil is used in its manufacturing.
Further research is done. It is discovered that sunflower seed oil is contained in many types of skin creams.
People are shocked and dismayed to learn that while they were enjoying the feel of the cool water running over their fingers,they were inadvertently poisoning the water, making it unsustainable for the fish.
Now, a solution must be chosen:
- 1. Remove the fish so people can enjoy the water streaming over their hands.
- 2. Ask people to not put their hands in the waterfall if they have used any skin products.
- 3. Get rid of the fish pond, and play soothing music.
The point in this story as it compares to me life - we had no clue that my spouse was ADHD. We had no clue that the typical symptoms were causing problems in our communication. Now we know. We have a clear documented diagnosis. Some things are part and parcel to ADHD. There are tools/techniques/behavior modifications that can be adopted to improve how being ADHD affects my spouse's day, and trickles down to effect our life together.
I can be understanding, and realize that things are not done on purpose, and learn to be a bit more flexible. However, I do not choose to put ADHD at the top of every minute of everyday and have all our lives revolve around the symptoms. I do not choose to ignore the effect chronic anger has on my day to day living. MY expectation is that my spouse learn to get his anger in check, take responsibility for it, AND apologize when it hurts/harms/disrupts me and/or our family. AND that can only be done if my spouse finds a way to be willing to LISTEN to his spouse who loves him dearly, and TRUST she is looking out for his best interest by indicating when the symptoms are causing problems.
We cannot make it go away. Any more than our dear niece can ignore her diabetes and refuse to monitor her sugar levels and will simple not self inject her body with insulin. It is what it is. She has diabetes. Your brain is wired ADHD. If you continue to choose to feel damned by it, poisoned by it, cursed by it, we cannot move ahead as a couple.
That weight is upon your shoulders. Will you do it? I believe you can. I want to support you. I want to be your help-mate. I want to try to learn to be closer to you.
With things as they stand right now, today, I am unable to make that choice. I am afraid to try again without some way of measuring the result of the hard work as it pertains to me.
I do not intend to sound harsh. I intend to show determination. Right now, that consists of having boundaries to protect my own well mental being.
With sincerity to all members here,
And with Love to Tom,