Still Here

I haven't posted in several months. I was pretty much into the habit of using this community as a resource for mindfulness, but when my wife found this forum and read all that I had posted it was a problem. Like so many times when you are actually on track doing something productive, an unexpected snag, complication, unpleasantness, or delay makes for a very compelling excuse to jump the tracks and shift to something else. If she reads this that will translate to: "It's your fault I stopped looking for help." I do not think that, but that is a handy illustration of many times where I see an offramp, take it without really any thought of the highway or why I left it, and she is left with a negative judgment I never made. That may make sense only in my head, but suffice it to say that many of the same things are afoot.

We've done OK though. I'm going to start posting again, make no attempt to censor any mention of her or us specifically, and damn the torpedoes. Since I don't really have any other outlet I calculate that I need the potential mindfulness posting here generates more than I need to avoid her ire for posting our personal business on some forum. Also I've factored in that I doubt she'll check here again unless I give her an advert.

As I said, we haven't been too bad off. Certainly much better than the very scary times when I first started posting here. I've continued therapy, though I'm not sure how productive that has been with the exception of getting in touch with the fact that I actually do have human emotions. I can think in the abstract about pretty much anything, but when you sit on the couch and have to say it out loud, the insuppressible emotion that comes with is startling.

I've continued experimentation with medicines, albeit slowly. Got a new prescribing psychiatrist, and after making the gradual ramp up from 30mg Vyvance to 70mg, I saw no change. Today I started on Adderall 30mg three times daily, so we'll see if that does anything. She got on Buspar, which helped quite a bit. It's primary impact seems to have been to simply lengthen her fuse, which was a big help for our crazy, stressful life. We just found out that we are pregnant with our fourth (and very much final) child. I will be making an appointment to get snipped once this one is delivered. Hoping for a girl to make it boy-girl-boy-girl. She can't take the Buspar now, and the difference is dramatic. After a time of relative peace we have had two major blowouts, though the second one was productive and made us feel connected afterwards. That usually happens if we just keep talking and get past the reactive part. To be fair, we have had plenty of fights peppered throughout, both on and off Buspar influence. I think it just gives her an ability to cope with more before losing it.

About 2 months ago we had a huge fight. Messy, miserable affair that reminded me of the really bad times earlier this year and into late 2012. At the end of this encounter I signed us up for Melissa's live course starting Oct. 1st, and I remember telling her I signed us up right then. I might have re-written history about telling her in that moment. I easily could have. At any rate I mentioned it in passing conversation at dinner one night a few weeks ago, and it was news to her. She wasn't pleased that I unilaterally signed us up for couples' therapy, and refused to participate. Had to email Melissa and cancel. I thought maybe she would reconsider in the intervening weeks, but once she has her mind set in such a way, changing that is usually not possible. I wish I had presented it calmly and suggested that we participate. With three children and no help to speak of, getting away to talk together to a therapist is a logistical nightmare. I was hoping this might have really helped, but both people must be willingly invested for it to work anyway.

Current events are pretty much the same, going relatively well. I got the confirm that paperwork is underway to transition from a consultant to a permanent role in my organization. Might take 1-2 months for those corporate wheels to turn. Should come with similar salary, which has been really nice, but also include benefits that are considerably better. Most importantly our mortgage pre-approval will be fully approved once I'm not a consultant. Underwriters were iffy about giving such a sizable loan to someone with a title that appeared to suggest less-than-permanent employment. We've found a great community in our price range for special needs and homeschooling support, and should be able to establish our homestead in the next few months. Living in my parent's empty house (They moved out a while ago but aren't in a position market-wise to sell yet.) after having sold our house and moved halfway across the country has been wonderful in terms of flexibility and for generating more savings to put down, but living in a space you do not own comes with stressors we can't really afford.

Kids are Ok. R (4.5yrs, boy, high-functioning autism) finished his ABA therapy scholarship in June, and is now doing only the speech therapy and various camps/activities. We just got approved for a grant to pay for more therapy to add onto that. There will never be enough money for this. Whenever we get a scholarship or I make more money, it just means we can buy more therapy. He has made good progress but is still likely 9months to a year behind in speech, which is his major deficiency. E (3.5yrs, girl) was initially diagnosed with autism but they since reversed that. She is a brilliant little girl, doing 150 piece puzzles and very keen to learn this reading of words that daddy is doing. She is definitely not neuro-typical, but gifted kids aren't by definition, and we aren't all that worried about her. T (19mo, boy) is a happy baby. He isn't talking more than a few words/phrases which has given us something to worry about, but we will have to wait and see.
We have officially procreated our way beyond our Mazda5's capability to haul us, so I'm resolved to get us in a Sienna or Odyssey by my wife's birthday later this month. I've got some actual inner thoughts and wishy-washy therapy themes about feelings to discuss, but I'll end this now, get back to work, and spare you that until then.