Stop making excuses!

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I have posted on here a few times, and it's been awhile since my last post. I think my last few posts were about how my husband and I were going to separate, after 12 years of marriage. We have 4 kids together and a house. That was several months ago, and fast forward to now. He finally moved out in January. I was looking forward to him moving out, so we could move on with our lives, but I was also very scared. In the end, it has gone really well, so far, and most of my fears were unnecessary. The hardest part, was telling the kids. The two oldest (12 &10) seem to be doing fine. They can communicate with their dad all they want and he visits on his day off to see them. Once, he even took them to the park, which he never did our entire marriage. Maybe he will actually step up and be more involved with the kids (something I longed for our whole marriage), only time will tell. The two youngest kids (4 &18 mo.), don't understand what's going on and I feel a little bad when I see how happy they are to see their dad when he comes over. But this is the way it has to be, and we are just trying to make the best of the situation.

If your spouse is doing nothing to get help and you know you can't take it anymore, stop making excuses and just end it. I was a SAHM and wanted a divorce for years, but kept suppressing that thought because I didn't think there was any way I could possibly do it on my own. It took me reaching my breaking point, where I literally could not take it anymore, to where the thought of being homeless on the street, seemed more appealing than staying in this emotionally abusive marriage. I actually had an anxiety attack and was near suicidal, when I realized that he had never loved me and that our entire marriage was a sham. This even resulted in physical manifestations and I almost had to visit urgent care, but ended up being able to take care of it myself. He was distant throughout all of this and every time I've brought up the horrible situation I was in, he just shrugs his shoulders and says I need to let go of the past. I don't even know if he's capable of really loving anyone, I feel like he has some type of attachment disorder, along with a cocktail of other disorders.

Anyways, just in the couple months since he moved out, I feel SOOOO much better! Yes, there are a ton of other things to stress about and the future is uncertain. I also have ADD and Anxiety, things I brought into our marriage that I didn't even know about, so I have so much work to do on myself. But I feel so much more at peace without Mr. Personality Disorder around. I don't have to worry about getting snapped at if I forget to turn off the porch light, if I touch the thermostat or any of the other things he never wanted me to mess with. I don't have to be accused of things I didn't do. I don't have to  deal with his explosions over how much I spent on groceries, and then show him the receipt so he can see that I didn't buy any extras. I don't have to hear, "Mine" this and "Mine" that. I don't have to worry about him coming home in one of his bad moods and the rest of us having to walk on eggshells. I don't have to try to excuse his behaviors to others or try to pretend everything is normal, when it isn't. I don't have to worry about forcing myself to be intimate with him, something that was a huge source of shame for me, because I knew I was just a piece of meat to him and he was just using me, while never caring about my emotional needs, just his physical ones. But THAT is not my problem anymore, thank God! He can go find himself a damn blow up doll or a prostitute for all I care! I will NEVER allow myself to be used, abused, and manipulated, again! I do still have to deal with him, because of the kids and the house, but I just try to minimize my speech/contact with him, as much as possible, not allow him to stress me out too much, and distance myself further and further emotionally.

No more being his mother, no more being embarrassed in public by him, no more trying to rationalize his irrational behavior, no more gas lighting, no more forcing myself to give him a hug because he says I'm not affectionate enough, after he just insulted me 10 minutes ago, doesn't realize it, and would only flip it around on me if I brought it up. No more fantasizing about him just disappearing and not coming home one day. I find myself thinking "He would get mad about this" and then doing it just because I can. No more constant worrying about how he'll react to something. No more shattered expectations, because I no longer allow myself to have any.

After reading some of the ADHD effect on Marriage together, trying to explain all the years of hurt and pain, and all he could do was ask when we were going to get to the part where we work on our sex life, I just knew it was hopeless. Sex is cheap and available all over the place, why does he need me if that's all he wants? I don't get it. Our last child was conceived through him basically raping me after getting me drunk on New Years, the one time a year I actually drink a little. But what does he care, he didn't have to take part in any of the child rearing, in his words it's "Just another baby". No matter that I already had my hands full with a very ADHD 2 yr old in speech/occupational therapy. He was so completely oblivious to my struggling, because everything was always all about him.

It's so not worth it to stay in that toxic waste environment. Just a couple months after he moved out, and I can already look back and see that I was dying. I was dying a slow and painful death. I don't see how I would have survived another couple years, let alone 10-20+. I literally shudder at the thought. I feel FREE! I'm finding myself again. I have always been so strong-willed, I can't believe I allowed myself to lose myself. Things were only getting steadily worse the last few years, and I remember hearing people say that it will only continue to get worse and you can't wait for that, you have to get out NOW, if you're to save yourself.

My heart breaks for everyone still stuck in this mess! You don't deserve it! If you're like I was and keep making excuses to stay, please stop and do whatever you need to do to save yourself!