suffering in silence

My husband and I have been married for almost nine years. He was diagnosed as a child with ADHD, but not by a specialist, by his mother, and was never treated. He was treated for depression and Tourette Syndrome. He has been recently diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and is receiving treatment. Yesterday we met with the specialist and he should be starting his new medication tomorrow. I am hopeful and anxiously awaiting a change. At the clinic I bought the book The ADHD Effect on Marriage. How I wish I had found this book long ago.

I have been so tired, angry, frustrated, lonely and ANGRY. I told my husband a few years ago I felt like I was dying inside. I tried to tell him why. I felt like I was married to a rock. A man with no emotion, no interest in anything, someone so laid back it drove me crazy, no opinions about anything. I realize now it was his ADHD. We've had talks over the years about my feelings. To the point where I was ready to leave. I know he hated the way he was making me feel. I hated the way I was making him feel. I eventually gave up trying to talk to him. Knowing that talking would just make things worse. He would feel awful, depressed and helpless at wanting to change but not knowing how. So I suffered inside. All the things that bothered me still bothered me, but I would no longer mention them. The book mentions how some spouses give in to verbal abuse to get their mates to pay attention to them. I suffered verbal abuse from my father growing up so that was never an option for me. I would never subject someone I love to that. I did verbally abuse him in my mind though. I feel really awful about it. I'm sure it must have come across in my body language somehow. He recently said he had given up on getting any physical affection from me for years now. He attributed it to me just not being an affectionate person, maybe something to do with my father growing up or not seeing affection between my parents. But I think I was so angry at him most of the time I couldn't bear to show him affection. But he didn't know that. What was the point in telling him. It's not like it would make any difference.

But...I'm hopeful that things will get better. Finally, he is getting the treatment he needs. I want him to feel better. It's not just about me. Perhaps I have been selfish in thinking that way. He needs this for himself most importantly.