My wife and I recently moved overseas to the Netherlands earlier this year with our two kids from the USA and have begun to figure out that I am likley suffering from adult ADHD (without hyperactivity).
I am 43 and have worked in the video game industry over 11 years, a highly-creative and (typically) ADHD-friendly kind of environment (hence the invisibility until now). After nearly 10 years of marriage and raising two beautiful daughters ages 5 and 7, we thought that a move overseas would provide them access to another culture and language while we idealistically dreamt of inexpensive travel and this exciting new work opportunity.
What happened instead is a steady decline into a highly-stressful union where we are considering separation, exacerbated by the stresses of uprooting a family and making a large move 9 months ago.
Having suspected ADHD, my wife suggested we read The ADHD Effect on Marriage and Driven to Distraction. Our consensus is that this fits me to a 'T' - the role of an ADHD spouse. Unfortunately, we cannot seem to get the doctors here to agree and try some kind of medicinal trial to see if it would help. I believe that I am low enough on the spectrum to not have issues with the holding down a job part; it's more of the family side where we have problems, and therefore we aren't hitting their threshold for treatment (coupled with an interview with a relative who knew me best as a child and later told me she was protecting me from a label and that this could be my wife's doing).
I also struggle with a lack of empathy for my wife, who (I feel) desires a lot of stimulation and validation - more than anyone I've known. From what I have read, ADHD does not directly deny you a lack of empathy, but *can* inhibit you from accessing it naturally, which I fear might be the case. In other words, I don't believe I am on the Asperger's Syndrome spectrum, where this could also be an issue, but I feel it is more of a result of living with an intensely-passionate person whose views I do not necessarily share, which can be perceived as this lack of empathy. I'm really not sure.
Does anyone have suggestions on what else I could do to try and save our marriage when we truly feel this could be the root of it all? I have been taking a low-grade anti-anxiety prescription that I believe is really just a band-iad for the larger problem, and it isn't really working.
Any guidance would be great...thank you.